“I Only Want Mommy” What To Do When a Toddler Prefers One Parent

You're listening to Toddlers Made Easy, an expert guided podcast for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed by a toddler, or in other words, all of us. Parenting a toddler is really tough and I'm here to help. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 32 years of experience and a month of four great kids. I love explaining toddlers and giving you the practical tools, knowledge and crucial support you need to become the parent every kid wants. Each week you can tune in for simple, actionable strategies, scripts and practical tips, all in bite sized chunks. Because I know your time is precious. So be sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's not waste any time and let's get going. Hi there. Today we're going to be talking about managing parental preferences. Let's say it's been a crazy busy day. Between work, a 30 minute bumper to bumper drive home, and you get home just in time to cook macaroni and cheese for dinner. Now it's time to get the kids ready for bed and your lovely partner says, you go sit down, I'll give the kids a bath. Oh, you're so ready to get lost in your overstuffed green couch just when your three and a half year old starts hollering, not Daddy, I want Mummy, just Mummy. It's exhausting being the chosen one. You'd probably think something like, can't I just have five minutes to myself? On the other hand, if you're the other partner who's getting snubbed, you might be thinking, what? I'm not good enough? So let's look at what's going on here. Toddlers have a powerful drive to feel in charge and there aren't a lot of options at this age. So demanding only Daddy, change my diaper or only Mummy, sit here. It's an effective way to feel in control. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or your partner or your child, but let's face it, it can still hurt. It doesn't mean your child doesn't love you. In fact, when a toddler is comfortable rejecting you, it means they know you love them unconditionally. It's actually a reflection of their trust in you. A parental preference is actually a superficial toddler request that doesn't really reflect anything more than a preference at that exact moment. But beware if your toddler sees the rejection upsets you, this sense of power encourages him to keep it up. And parental preferences can persist for months if allowed. So before we talk about how to manage this. Let's consider where it's coming from developmentally. A toddler between 2 to 4 years old is just learning to be assertive, and he's likely to challenge the rules and demand independence. If we overheard two toddlers talking in the playground, they'd likely say something like, you know, sometimes my mom is so tiring. I take one thing out of the shopping cart and she freaks out. Next time we go grocery shopping, I'm going to ask to go with my dad. Or my dad doesn't know how to give a bath. He got soap in my eyes and it was so annoying. I'm never going to let him give me a bath again, ever. So let's look at how to handle parental preferences so your kids can enjoy both parents let's say your kid says, only mommy can get me milk. Pause before saying a word. Create a space between the problem behavior, the parental preference in this case, and your response to it. And use this moment to calm down and to think about the situation. When we're all worked up, that fight or flight response kicks in and we can't access the logical parts of our brain as easily. The same thing is true for your child, and that means you can't think and act clearly. So how exactly do you use the moment to clear your head and bring more calm to a situation? There are several different ways, but for me, I find taking a few deep breaths is helpful. Some people find a mantra calming. Here's a few you might find helpful. Raising a toddler has tough moments, but I can handle it. Or my toddler's just a kid acting his age. And remember, there's no emergency to step in and respond, so wait till you feel ready. In other words, calmer. Next, a child always wants to feel seen and understood. In other words, a child needs to know that what he wants and feels matters to you. So even though you're not planning to do what he's demanding of you, you can still show you understand how he's feeling. For example, I say, your child says, I don't want you to read me a book. I want Mummy. We'll try something like, you're sad Mummy isn't reading the book tonight. I get it. Mommy's really good at reading books. Or if your child says, I want Daddy to make my breakfast, try something like, you're feeling sad. Daddy isn't making you breakfast. I understand. His French toast is so yummy. Let's see if I can make French toast as good as Daddy's. Maybe I could even make it better Remember, a child's preference is a want, not a need. You can be understanding, yet not give in to the request. Wow, you're really good at decisions. But tonight Daddy's going to put you to bed when you get pushback and you will be supportive. But hold your decision. Say something like, you're sad that Mummy can't put you to bed tonight. I get it. It's really hard when you don't get something you really, really, really want. Also, a word of caution here. If you're the chosen parent, don't step in if your partner is trying to manage things. One way to help your kids get unstuck from this demand request, call it what you will, is to use humor and playfulness. Playfulness is a hugely effective way to help kids and it's so underutilized. So if your son says you can't sit next to him, ask him, well then can I sit on your lap? Or maybe I can lie down here on the floor next to you? Who wouldn't giggle at this goofy kind of response? Let's take a look at a few real life examples. So two year old Joe is a happy, energetic little guy. He loves daycare, but he also loves it when his mom picks him up at the end of the day. He'll run to his mom and reach up in the air to be picked up. And then he clings to her as if he hasn't seen her in a year. Two weeks ago, Joe's little redhead sister was born. And when his dad came to pick him up, Joe screamed, not you, Mommy. You're bad. I just want Mummy. Just Mummy. Well, the dad was embarrassed and his feelings were a little hurt, but he tried to keep a brave face as all the parents were watching him. Well, let's face it, there's a lot of changes in Joe's life right now. He's struggling with all the newness all at once. The new baby, the new routines, missing his mom and becoming a big brother. And this is something to talk about with him at another time. But for right now, I suggested to dad that he help Joe feel understood and make it easy for him to move on. So next time it happened, dad said, I know you're feeling disappointed that mummy's not here. Let's see if I can be as fun as mummy. And he talked in a funny voice and he danced around just like mum does at home. Gradually, actually pretty quickly, Joe stopped running away from dad. At pickups later the same week, I was asked to see two and a half year old Pam and her parents, Joe and Jill, because it had been six months now since Pam only wanted her dad. Daddy, sit here. Daddy, do it not Mummy. Jill is a stay at home mom and she was really feeling like all her efforts were worthless. As soon as dad appeared, which was typically right before dinner, Pam would have nothing to do with her mom. At first, Pam's parents went along with her requests, which were more like orders, as it seemed respectful and supportive. But recently they've tried to substitute mom for dad, but Pam will pull earth shaking, siren level tantrums. So how did things eventually settle down? Well, there was a few changes that made a big difference. The parents talked and decided on an approach together. Having a plan meant knowing what was expected from both of them. Neither parent had any idea really why Pam was always choosing dad. The only thing they could think of was that maybe what was contributing to it was mom made such a big deal about how it was hurting her feelings. Children show preferences when they feel unconditionally supported. So in a way, Pam was saying, mom, I feel so safe in our relationship that I know I can trust you no matter how much I throw at you. So Jill decided to try and distance herself from the rejection and and not to make such a big deal when Pam chose daddy over her and they stopped letting Pam run the show. Mom prepped Pam during the day about what to expect at bedtime. And the parents stuck to the plan. They supported Pam by saying things like, you're really disappointed Daddy isn't giving you a bath. I understand, honey, but let's go have a super fun bath. Do you want a grapefruit or a banana bubble bath tonight? Well, things did gradually get better. Didn't happen overnight. It took a few weeks and it wasn't easy to do because who likes to see their child cry? But the parents reminded each other what I said to them. You're teaching Pam how to manage disappointment, which is an important life skill. So let's wrap things up with three main takeaways. Number one, parental preference is a very normal toddler behavior. If a reflection of where a toddler is at in their developmental growth. Toddlers crave independence, and showing a preference of one parent over the other satisfies this need. Number two, although it may hurt your feelings, remember, a child won't snub you unless they feel totally secure in your relationship with them. It's their way of saying, I know you love me no matter what. And lastly, number three, you can handle your child's demands by supporting your child's feelings. But that doesn't mean you need to go along with the request. So there you have it. Parental preferences can be handled with respect and love without turning you into a pushover. Send me a DM healthiestbaby and let me know what's going on in your family right now that's causing you grief. Thanks for listening to Toddlers Made Easy, the Healthiest Baby Podcast. If you want more insights, tools and confidence, join our free baby school and get a weekly parenting insight in your inbox. Head over to Bit Ly and that's spelled B as in Bob I T as in Tom. Period Ly joinbabyschool Don't worry though, the link will be in the show notes. Also, join me on Instagram ealthiest for a daily dose of better parenting solutions. If you love the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, please subscribe, rate and give us a review on itunes. We'd appreciate it so much. There's so much more I want to share with you from my experience as a baby doctor. Until next time, have a great week.