"I'm Not Tired!" End Bedtime Stalling For Good

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy, awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a GR a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great Big Goldendoodle. In today's episode, we're tackling the all too familiar bedtime battle cry. I'm not tired. I'm going to share some tips on how to end bedtime stalling. Do you dread bedtime? Does your toddler run out of the room a million times? Are you tired of feeling like a meanie? Well, one of the biggest problems at bedtime is everyone's tired. But while you're wanting some time for yourself, your toddler wants time and connection with you before saying good night. Also, toddlers crave power. You know that they're sad about not seeing you for so long. Their transitions can be difficult. Bedtime may be too late, and truthfully, it's harder to hold limits because you're tired. So picture this. Tate's parents always prided themselves on their consistent and loving bedtime routine. However, as their daughter reached the age of three and a half years, she was starting to stall and resist bedtime more and more. Now, despite their best efforts to stick to the routine, Tate would suddenly announce that she needed a snack or a drink of water, or she insisted on reading just one more book. Mummy. Her parents would try to gently but firmly redirect her back to the routine, but sometimes their efforts would result in a power struggle that left everyone feeling frustrated and exhausted. As the nights wore on, Tate's parents began to feel helpless and unsure of how to address the issue, wondering if they were doing something wrong or if their daughter was simply going through a difficult phase. So how do you resolve conflicting goals? Well, first of all, you stay on the same team. Your kid isn't a bad kid because she doesn't want to go to bed. And you're not a bad parent because you want some time for yourself. Bedtime is just difficult because we're asking our kids to stay in bed by themselves for a long time. And not only that, we're asking them to stay in bed in the dark. So. So toddlers hate going to bed when everything is so exciting. Plus, there's that whole independence issue. Toddlers want to feel like they're in control, so they'll resist you and your efforts every opportunity they get. In fact, 30 to 50% of toddlers resist bedtime. And the longer they resist, the more tired they become and the more difficult to get them in bed. And the entire process of asking our kids to do something they don't want to do, it makes them feel more powerless. And with all these complicated emotions, the frustration, the fear, the anger, the confusion, do you know what a child really needs at this moment? It's a loving leader. Just saying things like, I know, sweetheart. It's hard to go to bed when you want to stay up. It's hard to do things when you don't want to do them. Remember, everyone wants to feel seen, heard, understood, and valued. So just helping your child to feel seen and understood at bedtime, it can really decrease pushback. But what should you do when your child keeps resisting? Despite that? Again, children feel safer and more calm when they know you're in charge. Our bedtime job is to be consistent, loving, respectful, and supportive and to lead with consistency and sturdy boundaries. Here's a mantra to help you hold boundaries without losing your cool. If your child's pushing back at bedtime, just say to yourself, my kid is just a toddler acting his age. Now let's look at some bedtime tools that can help you with this resistance. First of all, use the daytime to practice and prepare for bedtime. Why? Because you and your child are both more relaxed and you have more energy, which means your child is more open to learning. The first tool I would teach is deep breathing. So you want to teach your child deep breathing and then practice it several times during the day when everyone's calm and relaxed and it's not really needed. Deep breathing helps calm that fight or flight reflex that can make bedtime so difficult. So pick one breathing technique and give it a cute little name. I suggest teaching the smelling a flower technique. So you tell your toddler to imagine he's smelling a flower. Ask him to take a deep breath in through the nose and then a slow breath out through the mouth. Make the breathing out phase slow and long. Practice deep breathing before it's needed. With my kids, we had a little signal that meant take some deep breaths. So when I tapped my nose with my pointer finger, my kids knew it meant to use deep breathing. And using a signal like tapping your nose, it can work really well because it's almost like someone else is asking your child to do something or to do deep breathing, and they're much less likely to rebel against it. The next tool is I would teach your child a mantra. I like this one for kids. Mommy loves me, Daddy loves me, Grandma loves me, Smudge loves me, or whatever fits for your unique family, I'd also use the power of preparation. So take a moment during the day to discuss the bedtime routine. Let your kids know step by step what to expect, how they might feel, and how to manage those feelings. In other words, to use the deep breathing or a mantra when they're having difficulty at bedtime. Now let's move on and look at the pre bedtime routine. So notice it's not the bedtime routine. It it's that time before you start getting ready for bed. So I'd say about a half an hour before bedtime, start the wind down routine. Don't say anything about bedtime, but turn off the TV and use this time for quiet activities. Then about 15 minutes before bedtime, give a warning like it's time for you to do that. One last thing before we get ready for bed. Before moving on to the bedtime routine, take a moment and put some favorite toys to sleep. Every night my kids would take a little cover, like a little piece of cloth or even just a Kleenex or paper towel, and they'd tuck in their trucks and their dolls and their books before we'd go upstairs to get ready for bed. Now, to empower your toddler at bedtime, give them some choices. Do you want to wear the pink or the blue jammies? Do you want to read this book or that one? Do you want ducky toys in the bath or the boat? I generally recommend a three step bedtime routine that doesn't last longer than 20 to 30 minutes. Once your child is old enough, you can actually talk to them about the bedtime routine. Ask your kids what they would like as part of their bedtime routine. I would suggest anything you're typically called back about should be put in as part of the routine. Toddlers typically sleep about 12 to 14 hours a day, including naps, which ideally equals about 10 to 12 hours at night of uninterrupted sleep. Young kids typically need to go to bed earlier than you think. I'd aim for 7:30 to 8:00pm however, you know your child the best and you should aim for whatever time seems right for your child. But just be aware, when kids stay up too late, they get a second wind and it looks like they're not tired. But in fact they are. They're Overtired, they're wired. Parents will often say, well, my little guy isn't tired early on, or but I don't get home from work till it's late. But here's the thing. Sleep is really important. It's important for so many reasons, and it's important for your child and you. Now, even though it may seem absurdly early, research consistently shows that an early night night is beneficial for physical, emotional and cognitive development. When kids stay up too late, they get a rush of hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and this makes it harder to fall asleep or even to go back to sleep early in the morning. So one of the best ways for overcoming bedtime resistance is to use playfulness. Only tigers can get their jammies on by the count of 10. Let's see how long it takes you I'd expect some pushback at bedtime. Your child's going to push back initially, at least. Be confident and be clear. Don't add anything to the bedtime routine. You can assess the bedtime plan the next day. I would just do what you've discussed with your child and prepped so they know what to expect. Now remember, if your child's resisting bedtime, acknowledge his or her feelings. You're sad it's bedtime. I understand, honey. But be a strong leader by also saying something like but sleep is important, so tell your child you're going to keep checking on them so they don't need to pop out of bed. Give the final kisses, step out, and then almost immediately stick your head back in. Don't say a word, but then keep stretching the time between poppins until they're no longer needed. So for pop ins, you just stick your head in the door and you don't interact. If at all possible. If this resonates with you, check out our Toddler Made Easy Course, where we have a whole module dedicated to bedtime solutions. But we also tackle all those other tricky toddler problems that you may be facing. So are you ready to make bedtime more of a breeze and navigate the world of toddlers with more confidence? Just click the link in the show notes to get started. We can't wait to help you and your little one enjoy peaceful nights and happier days. Have a great week and happy parenting.