Is Your Toddler Selfish or Just Being a Toddler?

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Welcome to the Toddlers Made Easy podcast. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, pediatrician and friend, and today we're going to talk about why toddlers can sometimes seem really selfish. And what do you do about that? Are toddlers selfish? And if it's not selfishness, what is it and how do you deal with it? On the one hand, you don't want to overindulge your child, but on the flip side, you don't want to shame them or hurt their self-confidence either. So imagine this: it's Leo's third birthday party and he unwraps a present and he finds a blue truck inside. He frowns And he loudly says, "I didn't want this truck. I wanted a red one." Ugh. Moments like these can make you feel like you need a superhero cape and a PhD in psychology to handle things properly. And for those of you who can't see me, I'm using air quotes when I say properly. Now, as parents, we often encounter moments like this where our toddlers just seem blatantly selfish. But here's the thing. It's important to remember that toddlers have a growing brain with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which makes it difficult for them to understand the concepts of sharing or to even consider anyone else's feelings. This isn't selfishness as we understand it. It's a stage of brain development. It's the difference of being self-centered versus selfish. Now, when our child grabs a toy and claims, "My toy," or rejects a gift with, "I don't like this," from your child's perspective, it's more like a feeling of overwhelm as opposed to selfishness. So think, my child's overwhelmed, not my child is selfish. Now, you likely feel embarrassed, whatever you call it, or worried about judgment from others. You might think there's something wrong with your child, or maybe you feel something is wrong with your parenting. But here's where we need to shift our perspective. This is a completely normal developmental stage. So instead of criticizing your child or thinking there's something wrong with them, which could make our children feel ashamed and confused, we should approach these moments with teaching in mind. Say your toddler dismisses a gift. Instead of saying, "Oh, that's rude," help your child feel seen and understood by acknowledging his or her feelings. Again, remember, my child's overwhelmed, not selfish. So you could say something like, you're really disappointed that you didn't get the red truck you wanted. I understand, sweetheart. That can be really hard. Now we're not going to leave it at that point. We need to teach our kids for the skills that they're missing to be able to handle this situation gracefully. So now, if your child's calm, or later at another time, if he's not, It can be a moment of teaching your child how to manage a challenging situation when they're feeling overwhelmed, when they're feeling disappointed, with grace and understanding. So for instance, you could say something like, hey sweetheart, the next time your grandmother gives you a present, even if it's one you don't totally love, say something like this. I really like trucks, and that's true, and thank you for the present. There's no need to give a lecture about what not to say. Just teach your child how to respond gracefully the next time. Let's look at another example. How about this? 3-year-old Ella is playing with her blocks when her baby sister Mia reaches to join in. Well, Ella quickly pulls all the blocks towards herself and yells, "No, no, they're mine!" Well, a 3 or a 4-year-old is less likely to spontaneously share. Again, because of brain development. But by age 4 to 5 years, this will start to happen more naturally, and you'll find your child looks more generous and caring. So here's the thing, as your child is growing up, we need to think about doing no harm as the brain catches up to where we feel more comfortable, where your child can be generous and thoughtful. So understanding that refusing to share is not about being greedy, but rather a phase of development, should help you feel calm when you're trying to manage this situation. Understanding this can really help you respond with composure and then be able to teach your child the skills that are lacking. In this situation, if the baby's unfazed, I'd probably not even say anything, but if the baby does care and it's happening over and over, I'd encourage Ella to take turns with the baby. Let's keep going with these examples. During a visit from grandparents, 3.5-year-old Jack is given a cookie, and then a moment later, his grandmother asks if he could split it with his cousin, 4-year-old Sarah, who's also visiting. Well, Jack hides the cookie behind his back and says, "No, it's mine." In this situation, because of the age of the children, they're a little bit older. I'd narrate what you see and then guide the kids in coming up with a solution. Let me just show you what I mean. I'd say something like, Jack, Grandma gave you a cookie and then asked you to share it. I know that can be a little difficult. You put it behind your back and you said no. Sarah, you wanted a cookie too. Grandma gave Jack the cookie and then told you she didn't have any more. But ask Jack to share the cookie with you. So here's the thing, kids. We have 2 kids and 1 cookie. What can we do about this? Then I'd give the kids a chance to come up with a solution on their own. I'd even do one of those, oops, I forgot something and go away for a moment and then come back. But give your kids a space to see if they can come up with their own solutions. Given that they're just little kids, They probably won't, and that's when I'd give them some prompts of how they might solve it. So I want to give you a few examples of suggestions you could offer the kids in this situation. So you could say something like, Jack, maybe you could break a piece of the cookie off and share the piece with Sarah. Or we could look for a different treat for Sarah. Or Jack, maybe you want to give Sarah the cookie and we'll look for a different treat for you. So the main idea is give the kids a space to try and sort it out on their own, but if they can't, give them a little help with suggestions. I want you to notice there's no lecturing or forcing Jack to share. So let's look at the takeaways from today's episode. Toddlers are selfish early on because their brain is in the toddler stage. You know, we talk a lot about toddlers aren't mini adults. But neither is their brain. Their brain is still in the toddler stage. Until brain development catches up, how you manage problems should be guided by "do no harm," and that means teach your child instead of punish them. So think, "My child is overwhelmed," instead of, "My child is really selfish." If you're feeling stuck between being too loosey-goosey, and too much of a drill sergeant with your little ones, I totally get it. That's why I created the Toddlers Made Easy course. It's specifically designed for parents of kids ages 1 to 6 years. It's not about striving for perfection or rigidly adhering to a set of rules. It's about learning to reframe those hair-pulling moments for growth and connection. And teaming up with your little tiny human to help them navigate their big feelings and those head-scratching behaviors. So if you're ready to trade temper tantrums for teachable moments, power struggles for high fives, and self-doubt for a big old dose of confidence, this course will help you strike the perfect balance in your parenting style. Check out the link of Toddlers Made Easy course in the show notes. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.