Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician and mother, explains why young children struggle to listen: they think concretely and don't understand abstract time. She offers four fixes: use sequence language instead of minutes, try visual timers, get an OK-to-wake clock for mornings, and create visual countdowns with calendars or bead necklaces.
Hi, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician for more than 35 years and a mom of four. And this is Toddlers Made Easy podcast. This podcast isn't about changing who you are as a parent, but it's about giving you the big ideas and tools to survive those hide in the pantry and eat Oreos days. And we've all been there. Today we're going to talk about something a little different. We're going to talk about time. And you're probably wondering, why would I devote an episode to time? But let me explain using this little story. So three and a half year old Marcus is having a fabulous time on the swings. He keeps screeching again, again, every time his mom stops pushing him. But it's getting close to nap time, so his mom says, okay, sweetheart, five more minutes, then it's time to go. Well, five minutes pass. And she says, okay, let's get going. And Marcus throws himself on the ground, screaming and kicking, no, I don't want to go. And his mom is thinking, great, I gave him a warning and I might as well have said nothing. But here's the thing. Kids don't really understand abstract concepts. And time is abstract. They can't touch it or feel it or shake it or bend it. Just think about how your kids interact with things. They want to understand something new. Well, they'll pick it up and they'll turn it over and they'll likely shake it or bang it. But they can't do that with time. Frank, a developmental perspective. Although it may not be obvious, your 2 year old is just starting to grasp some early concepts about time. They're beginning to recognize that time is marked by patterns and rhythms and flow. They're starting to get the concept of day and night. Establishing routines helps build the foundation for your child's growing understanding of this intricate idea. But have you ever noticed that sometimes young kids will use the word yesterday to mean anytime in the past? For instance, remember yesterday when I was a baby? Or yesterday we went to grandma's? Well, you actually went to grandma several months ago, around four years of age. Toddlers clearly understand before and after concepts, but they still don't understand four, five minutes and we're leaving. Well, if you're thinking, okay, great, so what? Well, I wouldn't be mentioning this if there weren't some behavioral problems to consider. And these are caused by kids not understanding time concepts. So, for instance, when you say, one more minute till dinner or okay, five more minutes till bedtime or we're leaving the park in 10 minutes, well, you might as well be talking gibberish. You're going to spare yourself and your kids a lot of grief with the following suggestions. So we're going to talk about four ways to help kids understand time. And basically, if you make time less abstract and more concrete, kids will understand. So let's start off with an approach that's good for a two year old. So number one, use sequences that focus on order. So if you say this then that so we're going to the park, then you'll have lunch, we're going to the park, and then Jake's coming over for a play date. Also, you could replace time with numbers. You could say we're going down the slide one more time and your child will understand. That doesn't mean they'll listen. The next point is make the concept of time less abstract by using a visual timer. You turn the timer to the amount of time that's left until you leave the park or get ready for bed or clean up or come to the table and the colored area gets smaller as time goes by. When the color is all gone, the time is up and a bell rings or a horn honks. Depending on which timer you buy. You can use a timer and support the plan with a description like this we need to pick your brother up from school in five minutes. You'll hear the beep or the honk in five minutes and that means it's time to go put on your shoes. The next tip is to use a sand timer. It works really well and kids like watching it. And you can get really cute fun ones on Amazon for under $10. Next comes using an okay wake up clock. Kids don't understand when it's acceptable to get up and start the day. That's why an OK wake up clock is a fantastic tool to help your kids. This is useful after the age of two and it helps your child stay in bed longer without needing to be able to tell time. So be strategic in how you use it at first. Set it up to glow green, which means you can get up within a few minutes of the usual wake up time. This will make it easier for your toddler to accept and follow the green rule. If they don't have to wait a long time, wean them into how long it is you need them to wait. So start with just a minute or two after you anticipate them getting up. If they get up early and the green light is already on, even better. Every few days, add 5 minutes until you reach the desired wake up time. Slowly weaning your child into new habits will be more likely to work. And here's a little pro. Set the green light to stay on for an hour or two longer than needed, so if your child sleeps longer than expected, the light will still be on. Also, remind your child about the green light each night at bedtime. And I want to throw in one more tip. If you have a trip or an event or an important day coming up, give your child a visual reminder about how many days are left to until the important date arrives. Now, this could be a calendar where you mark the important date and then put an X on each date as it goes by. Or for younger kids, you could create a visual display of time remaining using a strip of cardboard. Let the kids decorate it. Mark it into evenly spaced days so that you cut off a day each day that goes by, and your child will see the strip getting smaller and smaller. I've also done this with using large beads and creating a necklace with the number of beads needed to equal the number of days remaining. And each night at bedtime, we took off a bead. Now, beads are generally not okay for young kids, so I'm talking about really big beads that are okay for under the age of three. So today's takeaway is to realize key kids don't understand time concept. It's too abstract and they're concrete thinkers to help them make time more concrete with one of the above tools. Now, before we go, I'd like to answer one parenting question I received last week. I am the man in the middle looking after my stepdaughter. It's hard when two households are involved in looking after a toddler who's nearly three years old. What would be some things that we need to keep consistent? And will my kiddo adapt to two parenting styles? Well, this is really a fantastic question, and I thank you for it. But just like parents can have different parenting styles from each other, well, so can families. Kids are smart and they can adapt. Now, it would be really nice depending on how your communication is with the other family. But it would be great if there could be a consistent bedtime. And it would be lovely if there was a unified approach to mealtime and potty training and behavior and sibling battles, if that's an issue. But even more important than consistent styles of parenting is minimizing conflict between the families. It's conflict between the families that's more harmful than differing parenting styles. Make harmony and good communication the priority between the families. Now, are you struggling with tricky toddler behaviors? Understanding how those tiny brains work and giving yourself the tools to handle the chaos without losing your mind is the first step to turning difficult behaviors around. If you'd like more support, check out our Toddlers Made Easy course. It's for parents of kids age 1 through 6 years. These are formative years and they're not just a phase to get through the toddler years matter and I wish every single parent would take this course for the sake of their kids. Consider it a long term investment in your sanity and your child's self esteem. Now, if this sounds like something you'd find helpful, check out the link in the show notes for the Toddler's Made Easy course. Have a lovely week and happy parenting. We'll see you next week.
