Night Wakings: The Cause and The Fix

Welcome. I'm Dr. Catherine and this is Toddlers Made Easy. Today we're going to discuss one of the most challenging parts of parenting, why night wakings occur and how to fix them. There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never get sleep again. We had three of our kids under the age of approximately four at the time, but we learned from our mistakes, particularly with my second child. And we got the kids into some good sleep habits after that and began to feel more rested. And the same thing can happen for you as well. So let's start off by looking at the science behind why kids wake up multiple times at night. Well, just like a diver, your toddler's sleep goes from shallow to deep. And this cycle repeats itself every approximately 60 to 90 minutes, depending on your child's age. Now, I'm going to spare you the more complete science lesson and just cut to the important parts of what you need to turn things around. I'm sure you're tired and could do without that science lesson. Toddlers naturally wake up for brief periods throughout the night. In fact, we all do. We wake up and we're not even aware of it. Most likely you just turn over or perhaps you reposition your pillow and then you go right back to sleep. And just like you, your toddler is going to want the conditions he or she relies on to fall asleep when they hit that shallow sleep state during the night. Let's say you need to lie down with your child for about 20 minutes before they doze off every night. Well, your child learns that he or she needs you beside him to feel good enough to fall asleep. Well, guess what's going to happen when your child wakes up in a light sleep state in the middle of the night? Exactly. They're going to need you to be there with them to fall back to sleep. So kids wake up three fully in that light sleep state because they simply don't know how to soothe themselves back to sleep. They cry out or they race to your room, basically saying, hey guys, hurry up and do something so I can go back to sleep. And while night waking is a biological fact, how your child manages these moments is learned. In other words, if you rub your little ones back till they nod off, well, that's what they've learned and come to associate with drifting off to sleep. Whether it's at bedtime or nap time or the middle of the night, this association then becomes like a deep seated memory. But listen, it's never too late to fix sleep problems. Let me share with you A little story. This is a true story about one of my patients. Jenny was four years old and she was still waking up two times at night, most nights. And her mom was so tired that she had recently backed her car out of the garage without opening the garage door. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, but this served as a wake up call for her mom who then booked an appointment to come and see me to help figure out how to manage Jenny's sleep problems since they'd been going on for so long. Well, we worked on Jenny's falling asleep habits and honestly, within a week her parents were getting a better night's sleep. So let's take a quick moment to talk about sleep deprivation since I've just touched on that. The National Sleep foundation estimates that 100,000 car accidents annually are due to sleep deprivation. In fact, in a sleep poll, 37% of drivers admitted to falling asleep at the wheel. I think that's huge. One British study found that impaired driving was common amongst sleep deprived moms who drove worse than an impaired driver. Unfortunately, there was no mention of dads in this study. Sleep deprivation is linked to the blues, to added unwanted pounds, makes you more accident prone, forgetful, increases anxiety and irritability. Emotional regulation is harder when you're sleep deprived. So the very skill we're trying to teach our toddlers is one. Many parents struggle with themselves because of sleep deprivation and that's just from the adult point of view. Let's look at toddlers. Well, toddlers maybe let's start with 1 to 2 year olds. They need approximately 11 to 14 hours of SL their naps. Preschoolers 3 to 5 year olds, let's say, need 10 to 13 hours again including naps. While school aged kids 6 to, let's say 12 years old, they need approximately 9 to 12 hours of sleep a night. When the sleep needs aren't met and kids are sleep deprived, then there are a whole other range of problems that kids experience. And an NIH study found that children in the insufficient sleep group at the start of the study had more mental health and behavioral challenges than those who got sufficient sleep. And these problems included impulsivity and stress and depression and anxiety, aggressive behavior and even thinking problems. The children with insufficient sleep also had impaired decision making, conflict solving, working memory and learning. I hope I've convinced you that sleep is more than a luxury. While there are other reasons for night wakings, ineffective falling asleep routines are the most common causes for night waking. The child with this problem is typically 6 to at least 36 months old. The child has not learned to fall asleep on their own. I think Dr. Furber explained how it would feel for a toddler to wake up in the middle of the night without the tools they need to fall back to sleep. Very well. Let me share his analogy, although we're not sharing his technique. Don't worry, most of us sleep with a pillow and a blanket. Now imagine you wake up in the night and your pillow and your blanket are gone. Well, when you hit that light sleep state, you wake up and you'd probably go looking for your pillow and blanket, just like a toddler goes and looks for the conditions that they need to fall asleep. So let's start off by looking at three mistakes that are making middle of the night wake ups worse. The first is when your child wakes up in the middle of the night, remember, they're not waking up to drive you crazy. They are simply lacking the tools to fall back to sleep from a light sleep state. So the first problem is misinterpreting why they're waking up. The second one is kids love feeling powerful and negative attention is really compelling. So when your toddler gets up at night and you yell at him to get back to bed, well, you've made it more attractive to keep getting up, not up purposefully, that's for sure. And the third thing is you're exhausted and you're human. And it's completely understandable that you'd let your child get into bed with you. But if you do, this delicious habit isn't going to help you down the road. Now, that doesn't mean, if your child's sick, you know, that they shouldn't get in bed with you. I'm just talking about if you do this night after night, it's likely that is the habit that is now developed and your child will rely on and feel drawn to in the middle of the night. Now, if that works for you and you're all getting a good night's sleep and you don't mind it, the there's no reason not to do that. It's more if you want a good night's sleep and you want your child to stop waking up at the night, then allowing them into bed is a problem. Now, I suspect you know what the fix is for this problem. And that's right, helping your child learn to fall asleep on their own is what will stop the night wakings. Now, if you haven't already listened to the podcast episode, why Won't My Child Go to Sleep Without Me? And there's two parts to it. I'd encourage you to go back and listen to them because they're going to give you very precise steps to take to get your child back to sleeping independently. Since publishing these two episodes, I have had so many wonderful emails thanking me for this technique saying that people had solved their sleep problems that were many years old within seven to ten days. Again, I want to reiterate if your child is still getting up at night and you're not tired and your child is doing great with their friendships, academically with behavior, well, you don't necessarily need to change things. But my guess is most people are tired when they're getting up at night and would like to stop the night wakings. So please go back and listen. The first episode about why won't my child go to sleep without me? Is about the emotional support you're child needs, and the second episode is about the exact system that will walk you through how to get your child to fall asleep independently. You know I'm not into any crying it out. I believe in gentle, easy steps to help your child learn this skill without emotional upheaval. You can listen to the two episodes in any order. If you'd like to get right down and start the routine, listen to the second episode and then the first one. Before we finish up, let's look at a few other reasons why a child might wake up at night that isn't related to not having the skills to fall asleep independently. And the first one would be Welcoming a new baby in the home can cause a child to wake up in the night. There's so many reasons why a new baby may disrupt your toddler's sleep. Obviously, crying can be very disruptive and kids may also experience some confusion and some stress. With the New Family Edition, some of the things that can help in this situation is putting a sound machine in your toddler's room can help with the crying. And also just that special one on one time with your toddler can reduce the new sibling stress. And it doesn't even have to be mom. It's one of the caregivers to spend some quality time with your child every day. Now, many people worry if a medical problem is causing night wakings. And there are some medical problems that can do this. For instance, a child who coughs frequently at night because of either asthma or even reflux will likely have disrupted sleep. Or a child with obstructive sleep apnea who snores really heavily and then has these big long pauses and choking spells, they'll also have disrupted sleep. If you think either of these are the cause of your child's sleep problems or you're just not sure? Please talk about this with your healthcare provide. That's what we're there for. There's another problem that can cause night wakenings. This isn't a medical problem, but it's a timing problem. Sometimes the problem relates to not adjusting sleep time from when they were an infant so your child ends up in bed longer than needed as sleep needs decrease from early on. So again, before we move on, check out why Can't My Child Fall Asleep Without Me? Part one and Part two. In part one we look at the emotional needs at bedtime and in part two we look at the Easy does it strategy, which is a gentle strategy to encourage your child to fall asleep independently. Now, if you'd like to share a story or ask a question, please send me a DM on Instagram ealthiestbaby or send me an email at the address in the Show Notes. Sometimes it's the smallest changes that can make the biggest impact. That's what you'll discover in our free Tame those Tantrums masterclass. You can find the link below in the Show Notes for Tame those Tantrums without losing your cool masterclass. Thank you for listening. Happy parenting and I'll see you next week. Sam.