"No One Likes Me": Parenting Through Hurt Feelings

Foreign.

Welcome. I'm Dr. Catherine and this is Toddlers Made Easy podcast. Today we're going to be talking about the situation when a child says something like no one likes me. I'm going to share an email I received last week and then we'll dig into how to manage this or how to respond in this situation. So last week I received an email from a lovely mom and this is what she said. My six year old Leo dropped his backpack by the front door and dragged himself into the kitchen, which is really different than how he usually is when he gets home. He's bouncing with excitement and happiness. Well, he barely glanced at the snack that I laid out for him and I knew something was off. And then he said it. No one likes me. I didn't know what to say. Dr. Catherine, can you help me? Hearing your child express negative thoughts about him or herself can be deeply disturbing, especially if you felt some of the same feelings as a child. We want to solve our kids problems or make the bad feelings go away. But while it may be instinctive to respond to your child's distress with assurances like everyone likes you or Jamie likes playing with you or maybe you're always playing with kids, when I pick you up, all your friends come running to say hi in the morning when I drop you off. But unfortunately, responding like this may not be the kind of support your child.

Needs or it may not even help.

Let's take a quick look at the situation by stepping into it. And by that I mean ask yourself, how would I feel in a similar situation if I felt like no one liked me? I'd want my partner to accept my feelings. I'd want to talk more about what happened and why I'm feeling the way I do. What I wouldn't want is for my partner to tell me I'm wrong and to try and prove his point. Everyone in your office likes you or.

They text you all the time.

This would leave me feeling like my partner didn't really understand me and that there was not much point in talking to him or her about what I'm feeling.

And also, I wouldn't want to be questioned.

Are you bossy with your co workers? This would annoy me as I'd feel like I was being blamed for how I'm feeling. So before we look at how to help our kids, I just want to take a moment and step back and consider, well, what do friendships look like in the toddler and preschool years? Toddlers take time to make friends. Unlike adults, they need several chances to hang out with the same kids to build friendships. Unstructured playtime is great for this.

Toddlers show their friends by copying each other. They mimic each other's action and they can even use the same toys, like.

Holding a book in the same hand.

This imitation is their way of saying, hey, we're buddies. During the preschool years, kids learn a lot about making friends. And by the time they're about three.

They start to play more with other kids.

And instead of just playing near them, they notice that not everyone thinks like they do and that everyone is special in their own way. And this helps them make friends and.

Feel good about themselves.

Preschoolers also get better at understanding how others feel and start to share and.

Take turns more often.

Sometimes they may not want to share, but now they're usually asked nicely instead of just grabbing something. And that's great because it means less fighting and more playtime.

As they play and make friends. 3 year olds learn to solve problems by trading toys or deciding whose turn it is. This is a big step for preschoolers. It helps them get along better with others and builds friendships that make them happy. And by the time kids are about 4 years old, they usually have a bunch of friends and they may even have a best friend. They often make these friends at places like preschool or in the neighborhood. Learning to be a good friend is something that comes with practice. Kids need to practice being kind and supportive and trustworthy and become good listeners. For a four year old, a friend could be someone they play with all the time, or a new kid they just met that day at the park. At this age, they can play together well, but they're still learning how to understand that other people think differently than them. They might expect friends always to want to play the same way they do, and they can get upset when this doesn't happen. Toddler and preschool friendships are meaningful and they're important and we need to honor that emotional connection. In other words, we need to take our children's feelings about friendship seriously, even when they seem trivial. So let's get back to how to manage in the moment. Responding in a way that shows your child that you understand and care about what he or she is feeling is what they're needing and looking for. For instance, saying something like, oh, that really sounds tough. Tell me more. In these moments, your child is looking to feel loved and understood. Feeling alone with these feelings makes them even heavier and harder to manage. Stay on the same team and open the conversation. If your child doesn't want to chat just then, just let them know you're available whenever they want to talk. Now, if you're hearing these comments like no one likes me over and over and over, well, it's a good time to gather some more information, either by looking for an opportunity to observe your child at school or to have a chat with the teacher gathering this information. It's not meant to negate your child's feelings, but rather to paint a picture of how your child is socializing so you can identify tools that she needs to solve the problems she's experiencing.

Let's look at another example of how a big hearted interpretation can help you manage a situation in a way that helps your child feel really good on the inside and it strengthens your connection and at the same time it allows a child to shine like a superstar on the outside. So as his friends played a game of tag, Mark mustered up the courage to ask, can I join? And Joe, supposedly his best friend, screamed no. Feeling rejected, Mark told his mom, no one likes me as he climbed into the car after school. Now it would be easy to tell Mark that Joe isn't a nice kid or point out that Mark has lots of other friends. He doesn't really need Joe's friendship. But that would only teach Mark not to trust his own emotions and it wouldn't encourage him to share his problems with you in the future. Again, this is where I would step back and think, if I were in a similar situation, how would I feel? Well, I might feel a little hurt by the rejection, but I might also be able to reason and think maybe there were too many players or maybe Joe's angry about something, or maybe he's angry at me. Or you might even try to think of what's going on with Joe that would cause him to say no to me, his good friend. Maybe Joe was winning for the first time and didn't want to risk losing. So how do these thoughts help guide us through the situation? Well, now that you have a sense what your child might be feeling, you can respond in a way that says I understand. And by offering big hearted reasons for Joe's response, well, this allows Mark to remain an empathetic and happy person. It's hard when you feel hurt by a friend. You could say, why do you think Joe said no when you asked him if you could play Wonder out loud. I wonder if Joe was winning for the first time and didn't want to risk losing or what other generous possibilities you can come up with. Ask open ended questions and then really listen to the answers. Let your child come up with the next steps and solutions if he's able to or she's able to. This helps your child learn that she's capable of solving her problems. Your child has turned to you to help them feel better. Simply saying their feelings aren't right or trying to make the bad feelings just go away can make kids feel more alone and misunderstood. Our job is to make our kids feel loved, worthy of love, and able to do things themselves by supporting them instead of just offering quick fixes or or denying their feelings. Using a big hearted interpretation helps us to see the situation from a child's perspective. Plus, offering a big hearted possible reason for Joe's behavior will nurture empathy and optimism by giving Joe the benefit of the doubt. It may not be deserved, but it's ultimately more beneficial for Mark's emotional health. A big hearted interpretation is the glue that strengthens the connection with your child. Now, if you have any stories you want to share or you have any questions, please send me an email. You'll find my email address in the show Notes. Have a lovely week and happy parenting. It.