Overcoming Bedtime Fears

No, Mummy. Don't go. Don't go. Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years experience and the mom of four. I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive right in. Today we're going to talk about bedtime fears and how to overcome them. Does your toddler have difficulty winding down for sleep? Bedtime fears are extremely common. They typically begin around 2 years of age and they may last for years. Most children sooner or later will have some bedtime fears, so it's good for you to have some tools to manage them. Let's look at why kids have bedtime fears. Well, they spend all day in imaginative play and it's really difficult to just turn it off at bedtime. And fears, they come in all shapes and sizes, from fear of the dark and monsters and noises to something under the be bed or in the closet. I also think it's helpful to understand things from a developmental perspective. So let's just take a moment and consider what's likely contributing to bedtime fears. One, we know that young kids experience separation anxiety, so it makes sense that they'd fuss when you're leaving the room. Two, toddlers are more defiant by nature because they want more control over their world. So having little say at bedtime is a big setup for conflict. Three, a toddler's brain is still developing and they have so little control over their emotions. Four, as if everything else wasn't already enough, realize that toddlers, they don't really get time. So saying I'll see you in the morning seems like forever away. And finally, five, a toddler's brain is still developing and they're not able to talk themselves down. Most kids don't develop this ability until 5 to 6 years of age when the frontal lobe starts to mature. The frontal lobe of the brain allows us to reason and problem solve and make plans, but it's also responsible for helping us manage our emotions. Now, as with every toddler related problem, it helps to see things from your toddler's perspective. Well, your toddler feels good and he feels safe and he feels secure when he's with you. And most of the efforts at delaying bedtime are really to prolong that good, safe feeling. Okay, so you can see that there's many solid reasons for toddlers to fight at bedtime, but they still need sleep and you need some time for yourself. And yes, you're allowed to want your kids to go to bed so you can have some time for yourself and you don't need to feel guilty about that. Just the opposite. Your needs matter too. Plus, you have less to give when you're running on empty. So let's talk about how to respectfully and lovingly, yet still effectively manage those bedtime fears. We're going to start with a few generalizations about bedtime, but then we'll focus on fear strategies. Last, let's start with a few generalizations about bedtime. First, an early bedtime is best so your kids have some reserve to manage those giant feelings. Think about it. You can deal with things better when you're not exhausted. Next, create a short bedtime routine that doesn't stretch on forever and ever. Just like when you say goodbye at drop offs, it's best to keep it short. And the same is true for bedtime. When you stretch that bedtime routine out, it sends the message, well, there really is something to worry about here. So I would try to keep bedtime to just a few steps. Like two books. I'd suggest a favorite story, two books as ideal. A brief chat about the best part of the day and then good night to the moon in the room or whatever few steps work out best for your situation. But the main idea is keep the bedtime routine 20 minutes or less. I like creating an art project for basically everything, but I particularly like it for the bedtime routine. So I would take three pictures, one of each step of the bedtime routine. So take a picture of two books, take a picture of you chatting, and take a picture of you and your little one saying good night to the moon and the room, or whatever your three steps are. Put this up on the wall and now that chart is the boss. And kids love to follow rules, so make the chart the boss that both you and your child need to follow. Now let's look at how to manage fears specifically. First of all, allow your child to talk about their fears if they want to, but don't push or coax them. Also, avoid dismissing or minimizing your child's fears. For example, avoid negating feelings. So instead of saying there's nothing to be afraid of, say you're scared of monsters. It's okay, we all have fears, sweetheart. Mommy and Daddy are here to keep you safe. You can avoid diminishing fears. Instead of saying, stop crying, monsters aren't real. Instead, say, I don't see any monsters, but I know you're worried about them. Show your child you understand by saying something like, do you know what I find helpful when I'm scared? I hug my pillow and I sing A song in my head. I'd also suggest you encourage a security object if your child's old enough and that means a lovey like a blankie. Also realize bedtime fears are not manipulation. Your kids are just trying to spend more time with you because it makes them feel good. Your child may not even be complaining of fears. They may just be resisting because they don't have insight into their own feelings. So anticipate pushback and validate your child's feelings, but don't change the plan. Remember, you're the boss. Be the cool, calm and collected Bedtime guide. It's possible to recognize and be understanding of fears while still holding sleep boundaries. Your kids aren't going to like this, but that's our job as parents to make good decisions that we know are important for our kids health and well being even if our kids don't like it. Let's break for a second because I want to share a little story. I had a consult with a family that I'd known for many years and they booked extra time because they needed to talk about sleep problems their son was experiencing because bedtime was becoming unbearable. Jake was the baby of the family and he had three older siblings. The bedtime routine had become so long that he was staying up close till midnight. The family would read 10 books, then they would sing five songs and then every family member came in separately to say their goodnights and they'd read a book and sing a song. So we talked about who was running the show, which was obviously Jake. I explained how Jake needs you, his parents, to take charge and be responsible for creating a workable and healthy bedtime routine. His mom asked, oh, we don't have to read 10 books. No, you're in charge of the bedtime routine and you don't need your child's permission to make changes. Realistically, kids feel better when you're the leader. When your kids freak out because you're only going to read the three books instead of 10, you can be understanding but still hold the limits. It would sound like, I know you're really sad. I'm only going to read three books tonight. But sleep is important and it's bedtime now. When the family came back a few weeks later, Jake was actually going to bed at a reasonable hour and his bedtime was now cut down to 20 minutes. That doesn't mean everyone will see the same amazing results. Some will and some won't. But when you become the boss, you lay the foundation for better sleep habits. Okay, let's get back to Managing Bedtime Fears now we've talked about the fight or flight response in previous episodes and how it's useless to try and reason or teach or calm your toddler when they're all revved up. So it makes good sense to work on self calming skills during the day when your child is relaxed. So for starters, teach your child deep breathing skills so they can rely on it and use it when it's needed. These skills are really beneficial and you'll hear me talking about them frequently as they help your child in any and all stressful situations. I have an entire module on this in my online course Toddlers Made Easy and if you want to learn more about it, just take a peek at the link in the show notes. So the first breathing technique that I like to teach is called Smell a flower and this is where you ask your child to imagine she's smelling a flower or smelling something else. So you take a deep breath in through the nose and a nice slow breath out through the mouth. Or you can teach your child to blow out the candles and again, a deep breath in through the nose and a slow long breath out through the mouth. Deep breathing works especially well when you both do it together because both of you will become more relaxed. So let's look at how to use deep breathing in the moment. So first you'd name the feeling. You're sad. It's bedtime. I understand, sweetheart. And then I would come up with a nonverbal signal, a little cue, which means, hey honey, it's time to start taking some deep breaths. With my kids, I tapped my nose. They thought it was hysterical and that tended to lighten the moment as well. So another really effective calming strategy is to teach your kids to use a mantra. I used a mantra with my kids and also with my dog, and it goes like mommy loves me, Daddy loves me, Nana loves me, Deborah loves me, and so on. Mantras are empowering and they're calming. And again, teach this at a time when life is quiet and relaxed, and then practice using it during play. Another important point is to stay on the same team. And again, this is a theme I go back to over and over. So avoid thinking about bedtime stalling as something your child is doing to you. He or she is not trying to manipulate you. Instead, think my child is having a hard time and feels uncomfortable going to bed. How can I help make this easier? You can't leave the room peacefully if you're yelling, stomping and angry. Your child wants you. And that cozy, safe feeling that comes from being with you. And when you're revved up, our kids need us even more and they're more likely to fight with us because they're looking for that good, safe feeling. So they're going to keep pushing back or coming out of the room until they have that good feeling. Now, I know it's not easy to manage bedtime without getting wound up, but here are a few little steps that can help. I'd suggest you take a few minutes for yourself before you begin the bedtime routine, and that may be something as simple as just sitting down for a moment. If you can have a cup of tea or wine or whatever you like to drink, make bedtime at a reasonable hour so both of you have more reserve to deal with. And lastly, use a mantra yourself. As a mom of grown up kids, I want to assure you this is a stage and this stage will pass. So consider a mantra like I can do this or this stage will pass. A word of caution. You might assume staying with my child until he falls asleep would be the best and the easiest solution. After all, my child needs me. But that doesn't really solve or strengthen your child's coping skills. So it's important to believe in your child's strength and ability to manage hard things and to let them know you believe in them. So say something like I know you find bedtime hard, but I also know you're strong and you can do this. Pretty soon you're going to feel more comfortable in your bed at night. Next, I'd avoid labels when we call our kids a bad sleeper or a picky eater or shy, they assume this label and then they live up to it. So instead, narrate the problem, but with hope and with optimism. You're having a hard time going to bed sometimes. I've had the same problem, but I think you're going to find it easier really soon. Well, we've covered a whole lot today, but there's so much more to discuss on this topic. I have a bite sized course coming soon on managing bedtime like a pro. I'll let you know more about it in a future episode. Thank you so much for listening today. Take a peek at our free and paid resources in the show Notes. Have a lovely week and we'll speak again soon.