Overcoming Toddler Fears: Building Resilient Little Ones

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy, awesome toddler moments. Now, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine and I'm a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the founder of Healthiest Baby. I'm also the mother of four amazing adult kids. And then there's sm, My great big Goldendoodle. And today we're going to talk about toddler fears. Fears are normal. We all have fears. Fear is a normal part of a toddler's development. In fact, fear is actually a survival mechanism that keeps us safe from danger. But for toddlers, fear can be absolutely overwhelming and confusing, especially when they don't have the communication skills to express what's bothering them. It's easy for us adults to forget how scary the world can seem to a toddler. From the dark, to strange animals, to loud noises, there are so many things that can send a little one into panic. In this podcast episode, we're going to explore fears and what you can do to help your little one manage and overcome them. Fears can be exhausting, like when your toddler won't stay in bed at night. Or fears can be inconvenient and frustrating, like when a child won't use the public washroom because of an automatic flusher. And fears can seem crazy, like when your child clings to you because all of a sudden she's terrified of her grandmother. Or another inconvenient fear is when your toddler refuses to take a bath because she's sure she's going to be sucked down the drain. When my eldest was about two years old, we went to visit a farm with some friends and we were walking around and we came across a huge turkey. Now, my son, who'd never seen a turkey before, was fascinated. He approached the turkey with a big smile on his face. But as soon as the turkey gobbled, my son's smile turned into a look of sheer terror. And he clung to my leg and he refused to let go even when we moved away from the turkey. And after that, even seeing a turkey in a book upset him. So why do toddlers have fears? At around 18 months of age, toddlers begin to struggle with reality versus make believe. For instance, when my kids were young, there was a popular television series called Goosebumps. My kids loved the stories and they choose them for bedtime almost every night. But when we Took our kids to a Goosebumps play. One of my daughters needed to be taken out of the theater because she was so scared of the creatures. She kept crying, they're so big. They're so big. She thought they were the size like she saw on tv. Now from a child's perspective, the world is a magical and confusing place. Things may terrify a toddler, but seem absolutely ridiculous to us as adults. And also something we often don't think about is that kids depend on structure and routine to feel safe. And when something unexpected happens, a toddler may become fearful even with something they enjoyed the day before. So for example, two and a half year old Sally was in the car when she and her mother were on the way to pick up the older brother when all of a sudden a car hit them from behind. The mom had to get out of the car and inspect the damage and it took some time to share insurance information. All through this time, Sally sat by herself in the car seat in the car alone. And that was for about 15 minutes. Now since the day of that accident, Sally has been terrified to get back in the car. And this is posing a lot of problems because she needs to get in the car several times a day for pickup and drop offs. Now Sally feels anxious in part because something unexpected happened. Life doesn't feel safe and dependable when she's in the car now. So you see, toddler fears are not just about the obvious concrete situation, but also about threats to anything that interferes with safety, with that feeling of safety. A few other examples would be a sudden loud noise or the wheel braking on the stroller when your child's in it. So let's take some time and talk about strategies to empower kids to accept fears and make room for overcoming them. There's a big shift in thinking from earlier generations of parenting and that has to do with realizing kids feelings are real and that they matter. And this reminds me of when I first started my medical practice decades ago. At that time, believe it or not, newborns were circumcised without an anesthetic. And at that time it was thought that newborns didn't have feelings. Now this isn't an exact analogy, but it's similar in how adults can so grossly misunderstand and misread kids. So when it comes to fears, what's important is to allow your kids to feel all their feelings and including feelings that make us feel uncomfortable. Watch out for those common knee jerk responses like stop crying. There's nothing to be afraid of. Now it's completely understandable that we'd say things like that. So there's no judgment here, and we're going to talk about how to recover from slip ups in another upcoming episode. But when we do slip up or tell our kids their feelings are wrong in some way, what we're really telling our kids is that we know how they feel better than they do. We're basically telling our kids, you shouldn't trust your feelings. You need to turn to me and I'll tell you how you feel. And I know nobody really wants that. Instead, let your child know that you see them and you care about their feelings and experience. When we acknowledge our kids fears, we not only help them feel seen but but we also help them feel less alone with their feelings. You don't need to provide a solution. I always find this step hard as being a physician means trying to find answers to every problem and I think moms feel the exact same way. We all want to jump in and spare our child any discomfort. So I encourage you to resist this need to come to the rescue. Many parents think they're helping their child by reassuring them and telling them there's nothing to be afraid of. This seems like a natural way to help your child overcome fears. Or you might try reasoning with them like the dog's on a leash, he can't hurt you. Or you might try something like comparisons. Don't be scared. Jackie isn't scared to jump in the pool and she's younger than you are. Or you might think giving advice would be helpful. Listen, you've got to learn to swim. In case you ever fall in the water. Just get it together. Or maybe you schooled your child because the fear seems ludicrous. Stop acting like a baby. It's just a bath. But as you know, when we negate our kids feelings, we teach them not to trust themselves and to rely on us. Instead. We're telling them to stuff those feelings. And you know what? This doesn't help to diminish problems. I know you know that. So we know the importance of feeling heard and understood. Let your child know you care about their fears. This is such a powerful way to help your child manage feelings. So say something like you were scared after we had the car accident. I can really understand that. So what you're doing here is giving the emotion a name. And now your child will learn the name of the emotion. And this gives your kids the ability to use the word in the future to instead of hitting or biting or throwing toys. So let's say your child is crying that she doesn't want to go into her friend's house for a birthday party, and she kicks you in the shin. When you ring the doorbell, the door opens before you've had a moment to say anything to your toddler, who then wraps her arms around your legs. Now, it would be easy to tell your child to stop at this minute, but try this out on yourself. How would you feel if you were terrified? You were told to cut it out. It's really unlikely you'd say, hey, you know what? You're right, I'm being ridiculous. So what helps diffuse the situation? Strong feelings. Again, helping your child to feel seen and showing them that you care. Wow. Sounds like you're feeling scared to go inside. You're not sure about all the noise and the new people and all that commotion. It can really feel like a lot. Now, I'm not suggesting you ignore the kick, but first deal with the feelings and then fine tune the behavior. When toddlers don't have words to express themselves, they use their body. So you're going to empower your child when you talk about feelings. It helps children to feel less alone with their feelings. And you also give them the power over the feeling by naming it. But there's also another strategy that's very helpful and that's to narrate what's happened. So first of all, allow your child their feelings by recognizing them. You're really afraid of the car, but then tell the story. We were driving and then another car bumped into us. Mummy got out of the car and spoke with the other driver. And Sally, you sat in the car until I got back in. And then we went and picked up your brother. And now you don't like driving in the car anymore. When you narrate the story, you're helping your child understand and process what happened. And this is necessary as a child's brain is still developing. We're always saying toddlers are not mini adults, and this is one example. They can't process things quickly. They need time. They need to hear the story again and again. And it takes time for them to process things. So you want to repeat the story often until it's no longer needed. When you narrate the story, you actually erode the power of the situation. It's simple but powerful. And it helps a child to digest and diminish their fears. Now, how else can you manage fears? Well, first of all, you don't need to nip fears in the bud. Let's say you're at the park and your child's hugging your leg and she doesn't want to join in with the other kids. Should you push her to join in? Do you want to reassure her that there's nothing to be afraid of? How do you walk that line between allowing your child their fears and helping them overcome them? Well, you do this by helping your child to feel seen. Show your toddler that you understand and care about their fears without pushing them to overcome them. In other words, you're okaying the feeling. So let your child know it's okay to stick with you until they're ready to go play. This gives them a feeling of safety, and again, it allows your child to manage the feeling. So I'd say something like, you're not sure if you want to go down the slide just yet. That's okay, sweetheart. You can stay right here with me until you're ready. I'm here to help you when you feel ready. And boy, you sure know what you want. That's really great. Try not to insert your opinion about their fears, so avoid saying something like, there's nothing to be afraid of or it's no big deal. The biggest struggle in this situation is figuring out how are your child to overcome their fears without negating them. So we've talked about narrating and accepting your child's feelings and allowing them to work at their own speed. All of those are ways of empowering your child. But another way is also to share stories with them about how you've overcome fears. And that gives your child ideas about how to overcome fears, and it also gives them some hope. Also, I wouldn't avoid things your child is afraid of. Instead, I'd be open. I'd say, I see you're scared of the swings. That's okay. We all have things we're scared of. And I'm here and ready to push you on the swings when you feel ready to go. Check them out. Now. My son, my third child, was about 3 years old when he was really afraid of the dark. We did all the supportive steps, and after months, his fears weren't really decreasing. And it was a bit of problem because going to bed involves getting comfortable in the dark. So I decided to ask my little guy what he thought would make him feel safer in the dark. And he said, you. You'd make me feel better. So then we problem solved together and came up with a plan. And I started to sit in the dark with him just for a few seconds to begin with. And then after a few days, we went to a minute and bit by bit, we increased the time until it didn't really seem like an issue anymore. And eventually my little guy started to sit in the dark without me briefly. And then eventually he was able to actually sleep in the dark on his own. Now, this wouldn't have been possible without a foundation of acceptance. And also we problem solved together and he came up with the plan. He wasn't under a pressure to move forward, but he did it because he was ready and it was his choice and it was his accomplishment. My little guy learned that it's okay to be afraid. He discovered that he could trust us not to push him before he was ready. And he also discovered we believed he had the strength to master his fears if and when he was ready by believing in him and involving him in the process and he was able to master his fears. Now, if you're tired of fighting with your kids or you often feel guilty about how you've handled some of those tricky moments, check out our best selling online courses. There's Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. And there's also a Made Easy bundle where you get both courses at a reduced price. If this is something that interests you, take a look at the link in the show notes. So thank you for listening to today's episode. I look forward to seeing you next week. And in the meantime, happy parenting.