Parenting Together: When You Don't Agree

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're going to talk about a very common and challenging but manageable problem. We're talking about how you handle discipline when you're not on the same page with your partner. I'm going to start off by sharing an email I received last week that I think a lot of you will be able to relate to. Hi, Dr. Cathryn Tobin. My husband and I never really talked about our approaches to raising kids before we had them. Now that we need to discipline the kids, our differences are coming out. I'm the main caretaker, although we both work full-time outside of the home. However, I can bring my work home while my husband can't, or maybe won't. I'm not sure which. Realistically, I'm the toughie. I like to stick to our routines. I'm not a rigid person in general, but I just find life runs smoother when the kids follow the routines that are established. But my husband doesn't like conflict and he tends to cave into the kids rather than hold the boundaries, especially because we don't get to see the kids as much as he likes. So he wants time together to be fun and happy. I get it. But now the kids prefer their dad because he's more fun and they get their way with him all the time. And I kind of feel resentful because I do all the work and he has all the fun. What can we do to get on the same page? Cheryl. Hi, Cheryl. Let me reassure you that many people are probably nodding their head right now as they listen to your story and feel in the same shoes. Let's begin with some basic tips to help you navigate a conversation about this problem effectively. And this is true whether or not you're really having conflict with your partner. And here's the thing: make building and maintaining a strong base between the two of you a priority. We often talk about making sure our kids feel loved and secure, but it's just as important to take care of our relationship with our partners. If it feels like it's been too long, why not find someone to watch the kids and spend some quality time together. Go out for dinner, take a walk, or just do something you both enjoy. But here's the thing: don't use this time to solve problems. Instead, focus on reconnecting and strengthening your bond. This idea might sound familiar because just like I say in my course, being close and connected with our kids helps solve problems. Well, it's the same thing with our adult relationships. You've gotta have a strong base and good communication to work out parenting conflicts. When life gets hectic, we tend to put our relationships on the back burner, but it's time to make it a priority again. Staying on the same team with your kids is crucial, and the same thing goes for your relationship with your partner. You both ultimately want the same things, happy, resilient, and healthy kids. And you're both driven by your love for your kids. Take a moment to think about what you really appreciate in how your partner handles problems and their way of parenting. Maybe you've never told them what you admire about their parenting style, and now is a great time to share. You could say things like, "I love how you really listen when Charlie is upset," or "I admire how you always play with the kids on the floor." or "You're amazing at showing the kids how much you love them," or "You set such a great example of kindness for the kids." Realistically, having different ways of parenting can actually sometimes be a good thing for your kids as long as the differences aren't hugely in conflict. And truth be told, most parents don't see eye to eye on every aspect of parenting. So Cheryl, I understand you don't want to be the strict one all the time, and maybe your partner wishes the kids would listen to him better sometimes. This is where finding a middle ground where you both feel heard is key.

Think of it as creating a parenting team strategy, not just doing things your way or their way, but finding a happy combination of both of your approaches.

Maybe you can be a little more flexible, and maybe your partner can set clearer rules. It's about meeting somewhere in the middle, because there's no single perfect way to raise kids.

Aim for small but meaningful changes. Maybe you can be a little bit more relaxed about the rules at times, and maybe your husband or your partner can carry through a little bit more often. You may both enjoy the different approach. A lot of times the way we parent comes from how we were raised, We repeat what's familiar unless we actively choose to do something differently. So if you catch yourself saying or doing something that reminds you of how your parents acted, I'm sure there's many parts you like, but there's probably some parts you didn't. Well, that's a sign to pause and think about whether you want to continue the pattern or whether you want to try something new. After trying some changes, have another talk about things. A lot of parenting issues actually come down to improving our communication with our partners. Now, if you can't agree on how to handle a situation, it's okay to agree to disagree. The important thing is to present a united front when working out things with the kids and keep working on finding that happy medium. It's not going to be either all your way or either all his way. But somewhere in the middle where you both just give a little bit and see if that feels more comfortable.

I'd encourage you always to keep the big picture in mind. For example, if your goal is to raise a child who can bounce back from setbacks, well, ask yourself if the way you're handling problems, let's say taking away an iPad as a form of punishment, is actually helping achieve the goal you're seeking. Remember, it's all about loving your kids and working together towards the goal you share for your kids. Commit to keep discussing things and trying to understand each other's point of view. Think of discipline as an opportunity to teach your kids a skill or a tool they're missing. Now, if you're drawn to a big-hearted but solid way of addressing challenges, I'm thrilled to introduce you to my online course Toddlers Made Easy. This course is designed to offer you practical, peaceful, and pediatrician-backed methods for navigating those really challenging moments with your toddler. Maybe the two of you watching a course together would also give you an opportunity to discuss your differences and likenesses and also thoughts about a new approach. This program is crafted with your needs in mind. Each video is about 5 minutes long, and it's allowing you to easily integrate learning into your daily routines, whether you're doing the laundry or preparing meals or feeding your baby. Embracing big-hearted parenting is transformative. It not only strengthens the bond with your child, but it also fundamentally transforms your approach to the ups and downs of parenting, leading to a more connected, peaceful relationship. Thank you for listening today. If you'd like to ask a question or share a story, please send me an email, and you'll find my email address below in the show notes. You could also DM me over on Instagram @healthiest_baby. That's also in the show notes. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.