Potty Train Without Pressure: The Lazy Approach That Works

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Liberty, liberty, liberty. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're going to be talking about how to best support our kids through the potty training process. Now, there are many equally good ways to potty train a child. But from my perspective, after more than 35 years of helping families manage potty training with dignity, I'd say there's no race. And although it often feels that way, potty training is not an Olympic sport. Yes, many kids can learn to use the potty in a weekend, and that's helpful if you have a deadline or you need to ditch those diapers quickly. But I don't choose this rushed approach because as a medical doctor, I see so many complications that result from pushing kids. And I see the kids who become significantly constipated from refusing to poop and the upsetting behavioral problems and cracks in your relationship that can occur. From my perspective, a lazy, zero-pressure approach offers so many powerful benefits that it's the approach I prefer. From a philosophical point of view, lazy potty training implies a zero-pressure approach that's grounded in the solid belief that a toddler can learn to use the potty without being pressured or bribed or coerced. When you really believe in your child and you believe they're capable and that they have the desire to develop and grow, Well, then kids can learn to believe in themselves. So you see, potty training this way isn't just about ditching the diapers, it's also about empowering your child. Potty training with this approach makes the process as important as the endpoint. I watch my sweet little granddaughter discovering her new world, and after raising 4 kids of my own, I know this little girl is hugely capable. So when my daughter asked me whether she should start to potty train Sloan, and Sloan is only about 16 months, which to me is very early, but I said, put a potty in the bathroom. And I told her, don't say a word about it, just put the potty there. And then without any encouragement, Sloan sat on the potty. Naturally, her mom got really excited. But here's the thing, to avoid pushback, kids must experience potty training as their own challenge and their own accomplishment. Not something that they're doing because they need to please you, but something that they're doing so they feel a sense of pride. And do you know what the key to this is? It's trust. The other day I asked my husband whether he could remember toilet training any of our 4 kids, and neither of us really could recall any toilet training memories. Now, that's not because we're so old that we don't remember. The reason is these were such low-key experiences that my kids essentially glided through the process with really minimal input from us. So when we approach potty training with trust, trust in our kids, we're doing more than just teaching our children how to use the potty. We're nurturing their sense of autonomy, accomplishment, and confidence. The idea is simple. But powerful. Allow your child to lead the way. Now, not totally, but significantly. When we let go of the pressure, whether it's explicit or subtle, we create an environment where our children can thrive. The trick is finding that sweet spot, that right spot between helping and holding back. Let's look at how we can manage this fine line In other words, what do toddlers need from us so they feel a relaxed, gentle, no-pressure kind of support? Now, while a speedy journey through toilet training is convenient, the true gift you can give your child is the opportunity to own this accomplishment. And in all honesty, sometimes it is a very speedy process with this approach because time isn't spent fighting. So let's look in practical terms. The first issue to think about when providing a no-pressure approach is to provide opportunity without the pressure. So you set up a potty, you show your child how it works, and then you let them explore it on their terms without any expectations. That's the biggest point: no expectations. Your role is to provide opportunities not to push them into action. Now, if a child is as young as Sloan, who's 16 months old, I would just put the potty there and not say a word. Have them come to the bathroom with you and model the process, but don't talk about it. The next point is again one I've mentioned, but it's worth repeating, and that's unconditional trust. It's hard to have trust in something you have no previous experience with. But toddlers are highly sensitive and they pick up on your anxiety. When you solidly trust your toddler to learn to use the potty, just like you did with sitting and crawling and walking, will you boost your child's self-confidence, their decision-making, your connection with them, and communication in general. The next priority is to assume a helping hand kind of role. When you own an attitude of trust and patience and unwavering belief in your child, you spare everyone so much grief. There's less potty refusal, withholding poop is less of a problem, there's no rebelliousness or behavioral concerns. In other words, significant problems can be avoided with a zero-pressure approach, which I call the lazy approach. Let's talk about big-hearted communication. It can be challenging to adopt this lazy attitude towards whether your toddler chooses to use the potty at the moment or not, but if you realize you've been putting some subtle pressure on your child, or maybe not so subtle pressure, you can acknowledge this with your little one and say something like, "I'm sorry if it feels like I've been pushing you to use the potty. I know you'll use it when you're ready." and that's just fine. Also, to start the process, say something like, "One day you're going to want to use the potty. Let me know when you want to try and I'll help you take off your diaper." This is one place where I deviate from this traditional child-led approach, and that is in how to start potty training. So instead of just sitting back and waiting for your child to direct you, I do like to give a little prompt just to jumpstart their interest in the area. Just like when a child is learning to walk, we think about shoes, non-slip socks, or going barefoot to provide conditions that encourage walking. Well, we can do the same thing with potty training, and this is what I call pre-potty training. It's a no-pressure way of introducing the potty that still supports your toddler without pushing them. It focuses on modeling the bathroom routine. If you haven't gotten my 5 Must-Dos Before Starting Potty Training guide, well, the link is in the show notes. And for so many kids, not all, but really a lot, they get so excited about pre-potty training that they want to start using the potty. And this basically jumpstarts the process. And at the very least, if it doesn't jumpstart the process, it will help a child start to listen to their body and recognize the signs of needing to pee and poop. Let's look at lazy potty training from a purely practical perspective. Here are a few scenarios from real parents with real concerns. Kaylee asked me: My child is good when she's naked, but she has no interest in using the potty if she's dressed. What is the lazy zero-pressure approach to this dilemma? Well, Kaley, I'd say trust that your child's comfort level will change and their motivation to use the potty will develop with time. Your child is driven to develop and grow. However, I'd also focus on simple clothing that are easy to put on and take off and spend some time teaching your child how to take her clothes on and off. Without talking about using the potty. I'd also play around at home. I'd try different types of clothing and see if the lack of interest when dressed is related to difficulty getting clothes on and off. And out of pure curiosity, I'd also ask your child, I noticed that you use the potty when you're naked, but not when you're dressed. Do you find it hard to take your clothes off? And then Carla asked me, "My 2-year-old is refusing to sit on the potty entirely. Help!" Well, we tend to think, "What's wrong with my child that she won't sit on the potty?" or "What am I doing wrong that she won't sit on the potty?" or "How can I get my child to sit on the potty?" But again, potty training isn't an Olympic sport. Your child is telling you, "I'm not ready for this," for whatever reason. You may find it hard to believe, But the best way to encourage your little one to use the potty is to hold back and adopt a zero-pressure approach. You see, there's no rebellion when there's no pressure or subtle encouragement to react against. And here's a little pro tip: don't talk about using the potty, but keep modeling going to the bathroom. Model that, "Oh, I have that feeling that I need to go pee-pee." I'm going to go sit on the toilet. Modeling this is a powerful way to both teach and inspire your child to use the potty. In my Potty Training Made Easy course, I suggest parents tell the child that something exciting is going to happen and pick a day to identify when this is going to happen. Then when that day comes, you invite your child to use the potty, but after this, you step back and you make it clear that whether they choose to use the potty or not, either choice is perfectly fine. So let's finish up here for today. We've talked about this relaxed approach and we'll talk about it again in the near future, but if you have any questions in the meantime, feel free to send me an email. You can also take a look at the Potty Training Made Easy course, as this is a deeper dive into this relaxed way of potty training. Have a lovely week and keep up the good work.