Potty Training Without Power Struggles: The big-hearted approach to helping kids use the potty

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Welcome to Toddler's Take it easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host. I want to start today with something a mom said to me that really bothered me. She was at her daughter's 3-year-old well visit. Routine appointment. We did her height and weight and development and everything looked great. And at the end, as always, I asked about potty training. And she answered that potty training was finally done. And I said, "How'd it go?" She got quiet for a second and then she said, I'm so glad it's over, but honestly, I'm not really proud of how it went. There was a lot of yelling and more consequences than I wanted. I just didn't know any other way. And she felt kind of guilty, and she was trying to move on. But when I drove home that night, I couldn't stop thinking about what she said, because if she felt bad about how it went, I can just imagine her child probably felt bad too. Kids know when they've disappointed us, and they feel the frustration and the tension and the pressure. Even if we're trying our best to hide it. And I kept hearing the same story in my office after that. Parents yelling or pushing more than they wanted to during potty training. Children digging in and refusing to sit on the potty. Children holding back their poops and ending up constipated. Families who eventually got through it, but at a cost. And that's why I created what I call the Big Hearted Approach to Potty Training. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. Now, before I get into the principles, I wanna point out something important. That mom wasn't a bad parent. In fact, most of the parents who told me similar stories were loving, thoughtful, totally devoted parents. They weren't yelling because they didn't care. They were yelling because they cared so much and they were kind of frustrated and didn't know what else to do, how to turn the situation around. They're also worried about not meeting preschool deadlines, worried they'd somehow missed the right time. So they did what most of us do when something feels stuck, and they pushed harder. More reminders, more prompting, more pressure. And that's when things started to unravel. The problem wasn't the parents, and the problem wasn't the child. The problem was the method. Most potty training advice focuses on one question: How do I get my child to pee and poop on the potty? And that's a good question, but it's a parent's question and it completely misses the child's experience. Think about it from your child's perspective. A diaper is familiar, it's comfortable, it's been there since the day they were born, and now we're asking them to give it up for what? From their perspective, there isn't an obvious benefit. Potty training isn't just about ditching diapers. It's about helping a child notice what's happening inside their body, to trust those signals, and then to act on them independently. When we focus only on the outcome, ditching diapers, we often create resistance. But when we focus on the process, kids begin to take ownership, and that's really the foundation of the Big Hearted approach. And it starts with this first principle: nudge, don't push. I think about a mom named Jane and her daughter Millie. Jane had been potty training for months and things were only getting harder. Millie would sit on the potty when asked, but the problem was Jane had to ask and ask and ask, sometimes 10 times. Then Millie would finally sit down, hop right back up, and pee on the floor a few minutes later. Everyone was so frustrated. And at that point, Jane, her mom, made a decision that felt almost impossible. She was going to pause potty training for a few weeks. And she did that. And when she came back to it, she decided to try something different. And that brings us to the second principle of the Big Hearted Approach, and that is build body awareness. Instead of constantly reminding Millie to sit on the potty, Jane focused on helping her notice her body signals. She stopped saying, "Go sit on the potty." Instead, she'd say, "When you get that 'I need to pee' feeling, go sit on the potty." And then she'd point and say, "It's right over there." Now that's a small change, but it's a really powerful one. The focus shifts away from what mom wants and towards what Millie is experiencing. And when accidents happen, Jane stayed calm. She'd simply say, oops, accidents happen. No biggie, sweetheart. Next time you get that I need to pee feeling. And again, she'd point and say, the potty is right over there. You see, no lectures, no pressure, just information and encouragement. Which brings me to the third principle. Let your kids lead. Millie was a child who knew exactly what she wanted and what she didn't want. Some people might have called her strong-willed, but her mom tried not to label her. She simply recognized that Millie liked having ownership over her decisions, and the more ownership she had, the better things went. And as the pressure came down, Millie started paying attention to her body signals. She started choosing to use the potty on her own without reminders, no negotiations, no power struggles, because now it was starting to be her success, not something people were making her do. And that connects directly to the fourth principle, and that's drop the deadline. One reason Jane was willing to slow down was that she'd been through potty training before with her older son, and he developed constipation during the process. And what started as potty training turned into months of medication, doctor visits, and worry before things finally settled down. Unfortunately, That's something I saw all the time in my practice. Kids feel pressure, they begin holding their stool, their stool gets larger and harder. Going to the bathroom becomes painful, so they hold even more. And suddenly what started as a milestone becomes a medical issue. And this is totally preventable. Well, mostly preventable. When we stop treating potty training like a race, children have room to breathe, room to learn. Room to make mistakes, room to figure things out. And that leads to the fifth principle: be your kid's biggest fan. Kids will rise to the level of what we believe about them. When we notice effort instead of focusing only on results, children keep going. So I'm not suggesting you give fake praise and no over-the-top celebrations, just genuine encouragement. I saw you listen to your body. Good work. I noticed you stopped playing and headed toward the potty. Good work. Those moments matter. They build confidence and they build enthusiasm. And those qualities is what carries children across the finish line. Now here's what can happen when we skip all of this. Some kids dig in their heels completely. What started as potty training becomes a power struggle. Others develop anxiety around pooping and some begin withholding and end up constipated. And many families find themselves trapped in a cycle of frustration and guilt. And that's what stayed with me about that mom from my office. Not that potty training was so hard because most parenting challenges aren't really hard. What stayed with me was her regret. I'm glad it's over, but I'm not proud of how it went. And that's why I created this approach to potty training. Because potty training isn't just about getting out of diapers. It's about helping a child learn a new skill while protecting the relationship that matters most. And after 40 years in pediatrics, I've worked with thousands of families. Families with twins, strong-minded kids, shy kids, kids with developmental delays, single parents, grandparents helping raise their grandchildren. I've seen every version of potty training struggles you can imagine. And what I've learned is this: children do better when they feel supported than when they feel pressured. There is a calmer way through this that works, and it starts by remembering that your child isn't trying to give you a hard time. Potty training is giving them a hard time. And if this resonated with you, I'd love to invite you to my free workshop. It's called Potty Without Pushback. I'll walk you through a big-hearted approach, what to do when your child resists, how to build body awareness, and how to move through potty training without the battles, the pressure, and the guilt. You'll find the link in the show notes, and I'd love to see you there. If you know another parent who's in the thick of potty training right now, go ahead and share this episode with them. It might be exactly what they need to hear. Keep up the good work. And I'll see you next week. Bye!