Preparing Your Toddler for a New Sibling

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting lessons to help you calmly manage all those crazy, awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the mother of four amazing kids who are adults now. And then there's also Smudge my great big golden Today we're going to be talking about welcoming a new sibling. As a mom of four, I know how stressful this can be, and I also know how things look 30 years down the road when your kids are now adults. So let's talk about how to help your toddler love their new little sibling. There are about eight years between my younger brother and I. I actually remember the moment I discovered I was no longer going to be the baby of the family. For some reason, I was really invested in being the baby. My mother and I were in the car, and as my mother took the corner onto Rosemary Lane, the passenger door I was leaning against swung open and I fell out of the car. In 1961, seatbelts weren't mandatory and that allowed me to fall onto the road. The strangest thing was, just moments before, my mother had dropped what I considered a bombshell and told me that I was about to become a big sister. And my mother? Well, I'm guessing she didn't feel much like Mary Poppins that day. But we've all had lousy parenting moments we'd rather forget. Now let's get back to new siblings. While we tend to focus on preparing our kids for a new siblings, our own mindset and assumptions really can impact this process. Many of us feel guilty and sad and worry about coping with the second child. We worry about upsetting our firstborn. And the list of things to feel guilty about can go on forever. For instance, you may worry about not giving the same attention to the new baby as you did to your firstborn. Or even or you may feel guilty giving the baby intention in front of your toddler. Or maybe you'll feel guilty or sad about not being able to focus on your toddler as you did before the new baby. Or you just may feel like you aren't fully meeting anyone's needs. So you can see, while toddlers have emotional adjustments to make, so do we. But the good news is, you're not alone. We all go through the same worries about turning a toddler's world on its head. We all feel like we're messing up two kids instead of just one. But here's the thing. This is a time to be kind to yourself. When joy meets guilt and doubt, realize it's totally normal. Give yourself and your toddler time to figure out these new relationships. You'll get the hang of balancing everybody's needs. And I also believe in your toddler's ability to adjust with the right support. So let's look at what is the right support. Well, first of all, we've already talked that it's natural to have concerns. So how can we ease a toddler into welcoming a new sibling? Well, honestly, no matter how much you prepare, your toddler is still going to be a little surprised when that baby comes and stays. I like the analogy of thinking about how you would feel if your partner brought home another wife or husband. Most likely you'd really feel jealous and hurt, more confused and insecure and probably angry. You may feel betrayed, and you might doubt your role in the family. So let's keep this analogy in mind as we talk about how to prepare your toddler for the new baby. First of all, reading books about becoming a big brother or sister with your toddler is a good thing because it helps them understand what to expect. Also, help your toddler understand that babies are different than older kids. Explain that babies cry a lot and they sleep a lot and they need a attention. If possible, visit friends with newborns so your toddler can see what it's like to be around them. Aim to finish big changes like toilet training or switching from a crib to a bed months before the baby arrives. If that's not possible, at least put it off until after the baby is settled in at home. You can also involve your toddler if they're interested, by asking their ideas about baby names and clothing or special toys. Now, a lot of people worry about introducing the two little superstars about that moment. There's a lot of talk about that first moment when your kids meet, but honestly, it's just a moment amongst a gazillion other moments where you have the opportunity to nudge the relationship in a positive direction. For some toddlers, this moment is meaningful and it's big. But for others, the new baby holds about as much interest as a new couch. Typically, the younger the toddler, the less momentous the occasion. Now, it's sweet to do a meaningful gift exchange between the kids. If you're into it, you don't have to, but it can be a nice thing. And that means your toddler gives the baby a gift and vice versa. Let your toddler help pick out the gift for the baby and pick up something that will last a lifetime, you know, like a stuffed animal. It can help your toddler feel valued and important. Also, when the two little kids meet for the first time, if at all possible, have another family member hold the baby so your toddler can be the star of that moment. When the siblings meet, let your toddler lead the show. Introduce the baby, but don't push things. If your toddler is more interested in his toys, go with it. If your toddler wants to hold the baby and you're comfortable with this and you're able to do it safely, go ahead. This can be a great way for your toddler to feel involved and important. Now, toddlers are full of surprises and they may not react to a new sibling as you anticipate. So don't assume they'll be jealous or upset. They may or may not be, but do allow them to feel anything. Children's emotions are just as valid as adults, so it's important to avoid minimizing or dismissing what they're feeling. And it's easy to do that because sometimes kids feelings seem a little crazy. But allow your toddler to express their feelings, good or bad. Now, if you only did one thing to help sibling relationships, this would be it. Allow your child to feel all the feelings and help them to feel seen and heard. And how do you do that? You do it by acknowledging their feelings. For instance, if your toddler says I hate the baby, well, don't say no, you don't. You love the baby or you don't really feel that way or that's a terrible thing to say. You don't mean it. I know you love the baby. Denying a toddler his or her feelings is confusing and it's upsetting and it tends to just end up in arguments. The last thing your toddler wants, or anyone really when he or she is upset, is a lecture or advice or even to be questioned. Or a toddler will tune out the lecture. Questions will put him on the defensive, and giving advice will be infuriating. But do you know what will help your toddler in these moments? Showing you understand and care about their feelings. Showing you accept all of the feelings and don't ask them to push away those feelings. You can help your toddler learn to deal with his or her feelings with empathy. And what does this mean? Practically, it means, number one, listening. Really listening. No half listening. Make eye contact, nod your head. Show that you're present and engaged in the conversation Validate Their feelings We talk about this a lot. When your toddler shares their feelings, it's important to acknowledge and validate those emotions. For example, you might say, I can see you're feeling really sad right now. It's okay to feel sad, sweetheart. When we do this, children feel comforted and they feel understood and it can allow them to start to help themselves. So yes, a present exchange is nice and it can help get things off to a good start. But the harder and more significant way to help your child is by allowing and validating all those feelings, good or bad. Now let's look at a few other strategies to encourage positive sibling relationships. Number one Keep a bin of toys for your toddler that is only used when the baby is being fed or needs your attention. These can be new toys or ones that are just part of a toy rotation that your child hasn't seen in a long time. This keeps the toys exciting for your toddler when you need help the most. 2. If you've already taken my online course, Toddlers Made Easy, you know that I'm a big believer in special time or magic time. This is where you take a few minutes, like five to 10 minutes, and give your toddler your undivided attention. Let them choose what to play with during this time. Phones down, they lead and you follow. This has actually been researched and found that even five to 20 minutes a day of special time helps improves a child's behavior, which in turn means your child feels better and therefore behaves better. I think of this, or I call this emotional vitamins, something you give to your child every day. Number three Another priority is to be careful not to blame the baby when you can't give your toddler the attention he wants at the moment. For instance, your toddler says, play with me, Mommy, instead of saying, oh, I'm sorry sweetheart, I have to feed the baby. Try saying something like, I'd love to play with you. I'll be free soon. What are we going to play? Or if your child asks for help, don't say, I'm sorry, I can't help you right now. I'm changing the baby. Instead, say, I'd love to help you. I'll help as soon as my hands are free. Number four Some kids like being a big helper, but not all kids like it. Last week in my office, a mum was changing her baby in the examining room and she realized she'd left the diaper bag in the waiting room. So she said, tommy, will you go get Mommy the baby bag? And Tommy was thrilled to help and it's a good lesson that family members help each other. But if your toddler doesn't enjoy being enlisted as the helper, you don't really want to push this role or not just yet. Instead, you could enlist him to make the baby laugh. A newborn won't laugh, however. Or you could enlist your toddler to sing a song or shake a rattle to help while you're changing the baby. Number five don't pressure your toddler to be a big kid now that there's a baby at home. I know that all of a sudden they look so big, but toddlers are really still babies. It's just they're big babies. So let your big baby be a baby as much as he needs right now and be careful to do this without shame or guilt. In fact, you're probably going to find your toddler regresses in some way temporarily. Number six Help your child understand that a baby is a real person with her own feelings and priorities and preferences. 7. Allow your child to feel all the feelings about this shift in the family. And I'm mentioning it twice because it's that important. Lastly, don't underestimate your toddler. Remember, your toddler is smart and strong and capable of handling these changes and with your love and support, your little one can navigate this transition and embrace this new relationships with confidence and pride. So believe in your toddler and then you'll watch them thrive. Thank you so much for listening. Today I want to give you a quick heads up. My brand new Potty Training Made Easy online course, which is a no pressure approach to potty training, will be available later this week and the link will be in the show notes or in the bio link on Instagram.