Public Tantrums: How to Handle Them Like a Pro

Does your toddler have a tantrum while you're out shopping or running errands? At least three times a week, your little one throws a fit for whatever reason, and everyone around you gives you that side eye. You end up feeling like such a bad mom and think everyone in the store is judging you. Today, we're going to be talking about how to manage tantrums in tricky places. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just pract. 15 minutes or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy, awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine. I'm a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the founder of Healthiest Baby. But most importantly, I'm the mother of four amazing adult kids. And then there's Smudge. Our great big goldendoodle. Now, if you're nodding your head yes, tantrums. Well, then this episode is for you. Today's episode is all about managing those tough public tantrums that leave us feeling judged and embarrassed. We're going to explore the innocence of tantrums and give you some practical strategies for feeling more calm, confident, and in control when your little one starts to throw a fit in public. But first, I want to share a story with you about something that happened decades ago. It's the story of my son Max's big, huge, unforgettable tantrum. Now, if you've already heard this story, my apologies, but it's a good story. So I'm sharing this story even though it's not one of our finer moments. Because I want you to realize that it doesn't matter whether you're a seasoned pediatrician, a single mom, a working mom, a stay at home mom, a younger mom, an older mom. All toddlers, or at least almost all toddlers, have tantrums. And it's not a reflection of your parenting. So years ago, decades ago, actually, my family took a vacation to sunny Florida. And one night we went out to dinner. We had spent a wonderful day swimming and having fun at the beach, making sandcastles. And it took us about an hour to pack up and try to get the sand off of everyone. And then we trudged to the car and we decided, let's just go to a restaurant for dinner. Now. We ordered our food and got it quickly, which is really crucial when there are three kids under the age of four. And innocently enough, my husband reached across the table and he asked my son Max for a potato chip. No judgment here, guys. Yep, I'm a doctor who occasionally gave my kids chips. But suddenly it was like a light switch flipped out of nowhere. Max took his right arm and he swiped everything off the table. The plates, the cups, the food all went flying. And then he broke down and started crying hysterically. Now I can still feel that whole restaurant watching us. I'm sharing this story with you because I know it's hard to have a toddler, and I want you to know it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed and confused at times. You can love your child deeply and still feel overwhelmed. So let's now get into how to manage public tantrums. Some places are more likely to trigger tantrums than others. For instance, new places can be overstimulating. Parties and family gathering in big stores can be overwhelming. Situations that come with a lot of rules can be really triggering for a toddler. And also, your child's temperament plays a big role in whether tantrums happen. In other words, some kids are just more prone to public outbursts because they're more touchy or sensitive or emotional in general. Plus, an exhausted or a hungry or a bored child will also be more likely to have a tantrum. So dealing with public tantrums can be a real challenge for any parent. Avoiding the tantrum altogether is sometimes the best strategy. And as I often say in my Toddler Made Easy course, sidestepping a tantrum is easier than dealing with one. So let's start this episode with some practical steps you can take to help avoid a public tantrum and keep your little one calm and happy while you're out and about the first one. And probably the most important point is to prep your child. Tell them exactly what is going to happen and what they may feel, and then give them ideas on how to handle those feelings. If there's something you know is triggering for your child, prepare them for it. Let's say leaving the park is a problem. Tell your child what will be the time to go. Signal and tell them what you expect them to do. At this point, you could tell them something like when it's time to go, I'm going to say, okay, it's time for your one last thing. You maybe feel really disappointed that it's time to go, then I get it, but go on and go down the slide or take one more trip around the carousel and then in a little while I'll say, okay, it's time to go now and I want you to stop and come to mummy. We're going to get in the car and go home and have lunch. I like to tell kids what's going to come next as it makes leaving easier. The next point is to be prepared. Come with a little snack or a rarely seen toy and make sure the kids are fed and well rested. I'd also slow down trips so your child can participate. And lastly, also have realistic expectations of how long they can last. So, for instance, if you're shopping, involve your kids in the shopping. Ask them which banana looks better? Can they find the apples? Pause and reflect about the trip from your child's perspective. Let me give you an example. If grocery stores tend to come with tantrums, then take a moment and consider how difficult it must be to just sit in the shopping cart and do nothing in such a stimulating environment. Now think about how these trips might go if you involved your child in picking the best cantaloupe or bananas or helping you decide which flavor of popsicles to get. The next thing is to set your expectations and explain beforehand what it is you expect. For instance, say there are toys at Jack's house. You're going to get to play with his toys while we're there, but then you'll need to leave them when it's time to go. Also the one point you've heard so many times. But give your child choices. Acceptable choices. So would you like to sit in the cart or help me push the cart? This is an easy way to prevent tantrums. Also, know your child's triggers. Actually think about them. Stop for a moment and think about what caused the last few public tantrums. Being mindful of this will help you avoid tantrums. And lastly, I tend to use this little acronym to help remember common triggers. And the acronym is halt. So you're thinking hungry, angry, lonely, tired. And by lonely, that means bored or needs a hug or needs a kiss. So let's move on. Next, what are you going to do if you sense a tantrum is coming? First of all, early on, before a tantrum has really landed, you can let your child know that you understand they're having a hard time. So you can say something like, I can see that you're really angry. I wouldn't buy you the chocolate bar. I understand, sweetheart. It's really hard when you want something really, really badly and you don't get it. This helps your child recognize that you understand and care about what they're feeling, even if they don't get their way. It says, I understand what you're feeling and it's Perfectly okay to feel that way. You're teaching your child that all feelings are okay, and also you're showing them that you can handle these big feelings of theirs. You're still holding your boundary, but you're empathizing with your child's difficulty accepting the limit. And you can do both of those things. You can be empathetic and be firm. Now the next step is different from what you would do at home. It involves redirection. So if you're dealing with a potential public meltdown, one way to help your child avoid a full blown tantrum is to involve them in what you're doing. It's like what I was saying earlier. So this strategy works best when your child is still able to engage with you and hasn't completely lost control of their emotions. It can be as simple as asking them to help you find a particular item on the shopping list. This helps shift your child's focus and it redirects their energy while also keeping them engaged and feeling included in the activity. The more you engage your child, the easier it is for your child to become unstuck. A bored child is more likely to have a tantrum. So give positive actions, positive attention. For instance, say something like, hey, look how helpful you are. You helped me find the apples. You can also get creative and even a little playful about feelings and say something like, show me how mad you are with a dance or kids love challenges. So say something like, can you help me find the three biggest bananas? Also, stay connected. That means hugs, eye contact, and talking with your child. Okay, but now let's look at it well. How do you handle those public tantrums when prevention isn't possible? First of all, and this is the hardest thing, but try not to be embarrassed. I know that's easier said than done, but remember, a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age. It's completely understandable that parents feel embarrassed when their child has a public tantrum. You might be worrying about being judged, or feeling like you're not doing such a great job, or feeling like you've lost control of the situation. However, it's important to recognize that these feelings are completely normal and they don't reflect on your parenting. So again, I would suggest you use a mantra to help you stay calm and focused on what's important. So again, a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age. Now move to a quieter area if at all possible. Even if you just move to the corner of the room, you're moving out of the public view so you feel less judged. And also there'll be less stimulation for your little one. So calmly move to a quieter location. Even if you're annoyed, don't leave in a huff. Don't tell your child I'll never take you shopping again or you're going to get in trouble when we get home. It's easy to say those things, but being aware of not saying them will help you. Now, before you say a word, I want you to take a moment and let your nervous system calm down. Remember, when your toddler has a tantrum, the right side of their brain is running the show. And that means your child isn't able to reason, learn, or handle logic. But your brain is mature and you can talk yourself down or calm yourself down. So share your ability to regulate your emotions. In other words, share your calm. Now, while it's not easy, the best way to calm a tantrum is really to remain calm. Tantrums are like a dance, and both of you have an impact on how the tantrum unravels. So sharing your calm is the best way to ease the intensity of the tantrum. And it'll fizzle out quicker. So don't try and shorten the tantrum. It will fizzle out on its own quicker if you just are calm, empathetic, you stay nearby and you ignore the paparazzi. Fight the pressure you're feeling to quiet your child. Don't worry about people watching you to see if you're handling things right. That's with air quotations. You actually don't really know what people are thinking, and some of them are probably thinking what a lovely and kind parent you are. Now, we may not be able to avoid all tantrums, but we can learn to accept them with dignity later, maybe even the next day. When everything is calm, you can teach your toddler more coping skills. So when you see them getting worked up, they have tools to help themselves calm down. But don't let the fear of tantrums hold you back from getting out and enjoying life. Dealing with public tantrums can be challenging, but it's important to remember that tantrums are a natural and healthy part of a child's development. And by responding with patience, empathy and support, you can help your child navigate these emotions and learn to manage their feelings in healthy ways. So in the moment when things get tough, try repeating this simple mantra to yourself. A tantrum is just a toddler acting his age or her age. Or here's a few other options. My child's tantrum is not a reflection of my parenting or my child's emotions are valid and they're worthy or I can handle this. Remember, no matter how challenging the moment may seem, it'll eventually come to an end. And when it does, you'll be there to comfort your child and help them move forward with grace and resilience. So take a deep breath, stay strong, and know that you're doing an amazing job as a parent. If you'd like a deeper dive into how to manage all these messy toddler moments, check out our Toddler Made Easy online course. You'll find the link in the show notes, plus you'll find a few freebies over there as well. Have a great week and happy parent.