Q&A: 3-Year-Old Fighting Bedtime and Toddler Throwing Explained

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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host, and today I'm answering questions from listeners. One of them is about sleep challenges, and it's packed with big-hearted, practical tips that you can use right away. You see, sleep is not a one-and-done issue, so I'd recommend listening even if sleep is going smoothly right now. And the other question is about a child throwing toys. So let's dive right in, and here's the first question. This is from a lovely father of a 3.5-year-old young boy. Hi, Dr. Cathryn Tobin. My 3.5-year-old has always been a great sleeper. He used to fall asleep independently with no issues whatsoever. But over the past few weeks, bedtime has turned into constant delays, bathroom trips, water requests, one more song. I now spend 45 minutes in his room and I sneak out after he falls asleep. He's also crying at bedtime and climbing out of his crib. We recently dropped naps after he started fighting them over Christmas break. There's also been a lot of changes. There's been some disruption to his routine. He's dropped the naps. We're thinking about moving to a big boy bed. There's a new baby coming in June. And he's starting kindergarten in a few months. Now I'm wondering if all of this is affecting his sleep. I know we probably need to transition to a bed since he's climbing out of his crib, but I'm really worried that this will make things worse. How do I make bedtime feel calm and secure again? And what should our next step be? Well, thank you so much for this question. So many families go through this exact phase and it can feel so confusing. Especially when a child was sleeping beautifully and then all of a sudden, for no obvious reason, he or she starts struggling. First, safety is always the priority. So if your child is climbing out of the crib, it really is time to move to a bed. And yes, you're completely right. Sleep may temporarily worsen because of the change, but safety is number one. Next, Let's talk about timing. You mentioned that your son has dropped naps, so you have to wonder, maybe he's overtired. You see, when a child gets overtired, bedtime often gets harder and longer. Most children this age do best with a bedtime between 7:30 and 8:30 PM, and they should be waking naturally between 6:00 and 8:00 AM. So for 3 days, I'd simply watch your child. What time does he actually fall asleep? Also note what time does he wake up? Now, if it turns out he's falling asleep before 9:00 PM and waking up on his own, try setting bedtime closer to his natural sleep time. So whatever time he is falling asleep, I'd start your bedtime routine about 30 minutes before that. If he's falling asleep after 9:00, well, he may be getting a second wind. Which means bedtime should be a little earlier. Let's talk about connection. It sounds like your son already has strong independent sleep skills, so we don't really need to start from scratch. I'd think of this more of a tune-up. So sit down with your son during the day and say something like, "Let's make a new bedtime plan together. What would you like in your bedtime routine before I leave the room?" And then be clear and loving. Starting tonight, we're going to use our new bedtime routine, and I'm going to ask you once if there's anything you need before I leave the room. So that will be your chance to say, I need another hug, I need to go pee, I need a drink of water. After that, it's time to stay in bed. And then here's a really important point. You want to help your child feel seen by saying, I know you miss me after I say goodnight. I miss you too, sweetheart. We miss each other because we love each other, but we're still connected even when we can't see each other. To really reinforce this point during the day, I'd read a book like The Invisible String, and that reinforces the idea of connection. You might also consider putting up family photos in the room so your child can look at them when he's awake. You know, on the wall. I don't mean in his hands. And then comes a really powerful strategy that you're going to teach your child to use after you leave the room. So you want to begin by introducing a stuffed animal. Do this in the daytime. I suggest looking for one that just looks a little sad. Then you want to give it a backstory and say, this is Teddy. He's 3 and a half years old, just like you, and he really misses his best friend. Especially at night. So tell your child that Teddy needs extra hugs at bedtime to feel brave and strong. So when you leave the room, your child now has a job to help the stuffed animal feel better. And that shift from "I need mommy" to "I'm helping someone else" can be incredibly empowering and regulating, especially because kids are naturally kind and loving. So again, you want to pick a stuffed animal that looks a little bit sad, develop a little story around the stuffed animal and why he's a little sad, and then encourage your child to hug and talk to Teddy to help him feel better. In fact, I'd start your bedtime routine by tucking in Teddy, and I'd also have your child practice giving Teddy comfort during the daytime. Now, If this Big Heart approach is a good fit for you and it interests you, you'll find other resources in today's show notes. Let's move on to the next question. And the question is basically, why is my toddler throwing everything? Dr. Cathryn Tobin, my 21-month-old has started throwing things like books and toys and her shoes. Is that normal? And how should I respond when it happens? Our little guy is kind most of the time, but lately we're having some really tough behavior, especially the throwing. He throws toys and food and sometimes at us and sometimes at our dogs. It seems like the throwing mostly happens around us, his parents, or our pets. Sometimes it's frustration-driven, like when he doesn't get what he wants, he'll throw something across the room, hit the floor, or even hit his own head. Occasionally he even hits me, which is really worrying me. I'm nervous it's going to get worse. Other times he throws when he's playing. He'll even laugh about it, like tossing a ball at my face or hurling toys at the cat. We gently remind him to be kind to animals and that throwing hurts, but sometimes he just laughs and does it again. We're unsure how to respond when these aggressive play moments happen. We're trying to stay calm, set clear boundaries, and protect everyone, but it's really hard. We'd love some help understanding what's going on developmentally and what we can do to respond in a loving but firm way. This is a fantastic question, and it sounds like you're already doing lots of right things. So thank you for sharing it. First of all, hitting, biting, and throwing things are very common at this age and for very good reason. Now forgive me for repeating what you probably already know, But toddlers don't have the words to express their feelings, and they also haven't yet developed impulse control. So while this looks like misbehavior, immaturity is a better description. Now, no matter what we call it, kids still need to learn to manage these feelings in less destructive ways. But here's the thing. When we interpret this behavior as immaturity, we're more likely to manage it with guidance and teaching. Which is what's needed, not punishment. This is what I call a big-hearted interpretation. A huge benefit of a big-hearted interpretation is that when we use one, it's easier to stay calm because you realize your child isn't giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time, and honestly, they're just doing the best they can with the resources they have. And when you stay calm, you're going to be much better at making this happen less often. You see, kids love to feel powerful and they love a big response from you. So the calmer you can handle things, the less likely it is to keep happening. So the first step, as I mentioned, is to recognize aggressive behavior is immaturity. But first, we need to make sure safety is the priority. So safety always comes first. And I would say something like, I'm going to move you over here so no one gets hurt. Or you're angry because your brother grabbed the toy from you. I get it. And it's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to throw things. I know some people like to say, I won't let you hit, or I won't let you throw toys. I prefer not to use that approach because I find for some kids that comment is like a challenge and causes an even bigger reaction. Action, like, "Oh yeah, you're not going to let me? Let's see." Now, there are ways to help your child manage these difficult feelings, and one of them, a very important one, is to find a more appropriate outlet for the big feelings, like throwing a ball outside or using a toy that involves hammering or playing the drums, but some way to get that feeling out. Then later, when everyone is calm, That's when you can teach your child the skills that they're lacking. You would say something like, remember when you got so upset when your brother grabbed that toy out of your hand? Well, instead of throwing the truck, next time tell your brother, no, I'm playing with the toy now. If you're feeling angry, you can try taking deep breaths like you're blowing out a candle. And a good thing to do at this point is to actually do what I'd call a redo. Give your child another chance to replay the same situation with a different ending. And lastly, some kids just need more support. Even though we say and do all the right things, all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are, well, they still aren't able to talk themselves down, nor do they have impulse control. So parents often think that there's a secret discipline strategy that will stop the aggression. But honestly, there isn't. It's development, it's immaturity, it's time, as well as the right approach. But some kids, they just need more supervision. Some kids need you to stay close when it looks like they're getting worked up. Unfortunately, I know that's not always possible, especially when the behavior's happening at daycare. But at the very least, we need to understand that a child can't think logically and has no off button or impulse control. So remember, we're talking about young kids here, not older ones. This is discipline designed for young kids. You see, what works at age 4 is not the same thing that works at age 14. I hope you found this helpful. Thank you for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.