Q&A Special: Tackling Toddler Myths, Sibling Prep, Behavior Bumps, and Potty Puzzles

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge my great big golden doodle. Hi there. Today we're going to do something a little different. I'm going to answer questions that I've received over the last few weeks and I've picked ones that I thought would appeal to a general population. In fact, the questions I've received are ones that I receive typically over and over. So let's start off with the first question. Hi Dr. Catherine, I'm really struggling. My son is two and a half years old and when he gets upset, he says that the reason he's upset is that either mommy or daddy has hit him. Now myself and my husband, we would never hit him and we will never hit him. And I don't know why he's resorting to saying this. Can you help? Please? So thank you for your email and your question. This is a very common problem with little two year olds or two and a half year olds and they love to tell tall tales. You see the line between fantasy and reality. It's a little bit fuzzy when you're this age. So it's really your toddler's way of saying, I really don't like it when you're upset with me. Also, a young child, they don't have insight into what they're feeling and they won't be able to tell you why they're upset. So if your child is upset because it's bedtime, let's say, then just say something like, oh, sweetheart, you wish it wasn't bedtime. I get it, but let's go tuck in Teddy. In terms of responding to the comments about hitting, one time, I'd acknowledge it and say something like, I may hug you a lot, but I would never hit you and I will never hit you. In the meantime, don't worry about your child saying this. This isn't a bad sign. It doesn't mean your child's a liar. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. Just focus on the feeling behind why your child's upset and realize that reality and fantasy are just a little fuzzy at this age. I hope that helps and keep in touch. Let me know how things are going.

So the Next question is from a mom who's pregnant in early pregnancy, and she says, hello, Dr. Catherine, I love your page and I try to follow your advice as much as I can, but I'm pregnant with my second child.

And my toddler keeps saying she doesn't want a little sister or a brother.

She wants to be the only child. This pregnancy is still early and I'm trying not to force it, but I'm going to need to face it one day. Can you advise me how to help her adjust, please?

So, first of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. And keep in mind that a sibling is like a gift. You're not doing anything wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. But everybody does have an adjustment with a new child. Now, if you're in early pregnancy, which it sounds like you are, I would wait a long time before talking any further about the new sib. Now, if your child raises the issue, then of course, I'd answer her questions as honestly as possible. Otherwise, I'd wait till you're much closer, say sometime in the last trimester. Then look for ways to involve your child with any of the preparation for the baby, such as, let's say, picking room colors or name ideas or packing the hospital bags. Your child really doesn't know what it means to have a sibling at this point because she's never had one. So I wouldn't assume that you're in for some trouble down the road. However, if your child voices her concerns, don't deny her feelings. Let her feel seen and heard. You can say something like, you really don't want a brother or sister. You don't have to make it any more complicated than that. Or you could say, you really don't want a brother or sister. Sometimes I don't want things either. I'd be careful not to emphasize the big kid aspect of becoming a big sister. This is a time where a child has a lot of conflict between wanting to grow up and wanting to stay being a baby. So I'd avoid saying things like, now that you're a big girl, or be a big girl and help mommy do this, or just let her be both the big girl and the baby. If you have friends with young infants, it might be helpful to visit with them so your child can see what a baby really is like and see that a baby doesn't talk or walk or play or sing songs that they, you know, spend a lot of time feeding and being held and being comforted, but that they're not there. Like a two year old sometimes that's the image a child has is that another one of them and where they are at this stage in their life and is what they are expecting. Now, instead of assuming I've got a problem on my hands that I'm going to need to deal with sooner or later, I think my child is strong and she can make the adjustment with my support as needed. As always, it's a great idea to read some books. So I would read some of those nice books about I'm going to be a big sister. And I also have a few episodes, one on how to prepare for a new sibling and another one what to do when you have that new sibling. And I'd take a listen to both of those, please.

Anyhow, please let us know how things.

Go and how your child is adjusting when the new baby is born.

The next question is from a mom with two kids. Hey Dr. Catherine. We're parents of two great kids. Our oldest, Sam is almost three and our little one is six months old. Sam is a really happy go lucky kid. He's a huge jokester and he's so smart and we absolutely adore both of our kids and always try to do right by them. But recently Sam has been having more and more moments of defiance. For example, refusing to clean up toys and sometimes getting aggressive, like throwing toys or on the rare occasion, even hitting. What's the best way to approach this? We've tried a couple of approaches. We keep it simple.

No throwing.

And then we take away the toy. But he grabs another toy and says, laughing, take it away. When he hits, we stop him and we say no hitting. Then we try to talk to him about it and explain why he can't hit. But again, he starts to laugh. He doesn't make any eye contact and he just doesn't want to listen to us. It just seems that the consequences isn't having any effect with the little one within throwing range. We really want to nip this in the bud. Please help.

So thank you for writing. Your son sounds like he's definitely in that little testing limits phase. And defying you is one way of doing that. So one strategy that I like to use and I teach in my course is the easy method of handling problems. And this is an acronym for the easy method. So E stands for evaluate your calm. Presuming there's no safety issues, you're going to take a moment and allow yourself to calm down. A is to acknowledge your child's feelings. You're angry that we couldn't go to the park this morning. I understand, honey. S is for setting and sticking to boundaries. It's not okay to hit. I'm going to move you over here on my lap so no one gets hurt. And why is yes. And that means find something your child can do either in real life or in imagination. For instance, you would say, well, you can't hit people. You can hit balls. So let's go in the backyard later today and we can play baseball. Now, the reason for this last point. Yes. Is because it helps your child to think, oh, well, I can't do that. I can do this. Now. I find this easy method is really effective for dealing with virtually any problem because it gives you some solid steps that you can do and you don't really have to think about, how do I want to deal with this? Because it's often really hard to think clearly and remember how you want to handle things in the heat of the moment. So let's look at the situation where your child throws a toy and then is refusing to listen to you and just grabbing another toy and laughing. Well, first of all, let me reassure you. Many kids will laugh when they're reprimanded because they feel uncomfortable and they really don't know how to deal with it. So don't take it to mean he's rude or doesn't respect you. Take it to mean your child's inexperienced. Then, in terms of the easy formula in this situation where there's safety issues with your child throwing things, I would just step in and not take the time to make sure you've calmed yourself down. Although ideally, hopefully you will still be able to maintain calm even though your child has just done this. The first step is still to acknowledge his feelings because he'll hear you better when you feel seen and heard. You're a better listener. So you're really angry that your brother grabbed the remote control from you or whatever the issue is, just let your child know that you see him. And then the next part, the s setting and sticking to boundaries. This one's the one that parents find difficult and for good reason. It's hard to set limits and stick to them because we so badly want our kids to like us and to be happy. But what they need is to feel that we're in control. So it's perfectly fine to take your child. Forget about removing the toys because like you said, there's always other toys for him to grab. So instead, I would just move your child over to the other part of the room just to make a statement and say something like, I'm going to Move you over here so no one gets hurt. And then you can have your child sit on your lap or sit next to you. And then again finally the why the yes. Well, you can't throw the truck. We can throw balls.

Try this and let me know what.

You think because I've been using this.

Easy method for decades and have really good results with it when people use it consistently. And lastly, let me reassure you, this.

Sort of aggressive play and not listening.

This is all a normal part of being a toddler.

Don't expect them to learn right away. Learning new habits, learning new behaviors, learning.

Most importantly how to control the emotions.

That lead to these behaviors. It takes time. And so this is the time in a child's life where we teach and guide them. And you want to do that in a way that protects your child's self esteem but at the same time doesn't turn you into a pushover. And that's what this easy method is for. Thank you for that and I would love to hear some feedback how things are going. Now the next question is from a mom with a three and a half year old and I'm sure many people are going to relate to this one. This is the mom's question. Hi there, Dr. Catherine. I'm needing some tips and advice for my boy who has no interest in going to the toilet at all. He's three and a half and he just won't try. We have a toilet seat ready to go, we have training pants, but every time we try to use the toilet he says no, no, no, I'm too small, I don't want to. So the weather is getting warmer here. Should we start going without a nappy and just see what happens? This is a great question and also a very, very common problem. Basically I would think in terms of how can you reset things so that when you approach talking about potty training, your child is more open to it. So the first step is I just wouldn't talk about potty training for, you know, a few days or even a week. But during this time I'd model using the toilet. And by that I mean I would say things like, oh, I have that feeling, I need to go pee, I'm just going to run to the bathroom and I'll be right back. Or you can invite your child to join you in the bathroom if you're comfortable. I'd also focus on other pre potty training skills. And by that I mean things that you can teach yourself that they'll need to know for potty training, but teach them before you start potty training. So there's only one thing that they're trying to learn when it comes time to potty training and that is to use the potty. You don't want them to have to learn how to wash their hands and pull up and down their pants. So I'd encourage you to look at. I have a lovely little ebook on the five must do's before starting potty training and you can get that link in the show notes. Also, here are some other considerations. If you're using a toilet insert on the toilet, I would suggest getting a potty and telling your child, this is just like a toilet, but it's for small kids. And then I pick a date together with your child to say this is when we're going to start potty training. And I'd say something very reassuring and validating like because this is new, you may feel excited and you also may be a little unsure at the same time, but I know you can learn how to use a potty. Put the date on the calendar, don't overdo talking about it. And as you're waiting for that date, I'd use Play to help raise your child's comfort level and also teach them about what's needed to use the potty. So by that I mean I'd actually take your stuffed animal or your child's stuffed animal and show them how a stuffed animal would go poo, poo and pee on the potty. Make the bathroom a really fun place as well. So have a bathroom toy box that just stays in the bathroom. On day one, I'd remind your child in the morning, oh, remember, we're going to use the potty today to pee and poop. Go bare bottom on that first day. Cover carpets with towels or roll up the carpets if possible. Stay near to your child. Watch the clock. Most kids pee every two hours or so. And invite your child to use the potty when you see suggestions that they may need to go. So say something like it looks like your body is telling you it needs to go pee or poop. Shall I help you to the potty or do you want to go try it yourself? Now this is a suggestion, it's not an order. Your child may decide not to use it. And then I'd say no big deal, maybe next time. On day two, I'd suggest using underwear. Now, there are several episodes devoted to potty training and the problems you might encounter. I'd really suggest listening to them before restarting so you're prepared for any problems you may bump into. But whatever happens, commit to a no pressure approach and and keep looking at what's happening from your child's perspective to double check that there are no subtle forms of pressure. I hope these questions have helped you. If you're looking for more support similar to what we've looked at here, I'd encourage you to take a peek at our courses. There is a Potty Training Made Easy course, which is a no pressure approach to potty training that works extremely well. And there's also Toddlers Made Easy, which is an online course about how to manage any of those crazy awesome toddler problems that you may run into in the next few years. All of the approaches are what I call big hearted, which means they're based on respect for your child and a gentle approach that protects your child's self esteem, but it doesn't allow you to turn into a pushover at the same time. You can find the links to these courses in the show notes and in the meantime, have a fantastic week. We're going to do more burning questions like these in the future, so if you have any questions please send me a DM or an email and share your concern. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting. Sam.