Readiness and other myths

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Welcome back to Toddlers Made Easy, the no-fluff podcast for busy parents who don't have time to scroll for answers while a toddler's climbing the bookshelf. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician. Actually, I just recently retired. I'm the mom of 4, author to 3 parenting books, and I'm here to help make this stage feel a lot less overwhelming. So let's get going! Today I'm talking to the parents who've been Googling potty training readiness at 2 AM in the morning, buying every potty seat on Amazon, and wondering why your perfectly smart toddler runs away from the bathroom screaming, "No potty!" Now if you're tired of parenting experts telling you to follow your child's lead, While preschool deadlines loom, I have something different to share. I'm going to tell you why the traditional readiness approach might not be the whole story, and I'm going to share a method that can help reduce stress and set your family up for more success. So if you're the parent of a toddler who can operate your iPhone, negotiate snacks like a lawyer, and remember exactly where you left your keys, but supposedly isn't ready for the potty. Well, maybe this is for you. Maybe you already tried potty training once and you announced no more diapers on Monday morning, and by Wednesday you were both in tears and back to pull-ups. Now you're wondering if you did something wrong. Or maybe you haven't tried yet because you're waiting for those confusing readiness signs and your child seems to have some, but not all of them. And what do you do in that situation? And meanwhile, You're spending a significant amount on diapers and supplies for a child who seems capable of learning new things every single day. Well, if that's you, I need you to know these 3 things. First, your child isn't trying to be difficult. Second, many potty training attempts don't work perfectly the first time. And third, there are ways to make the process smoother before you begin potty training. Let me tell you something about traditional readiness concept. Readiness is traditionally considered something that happens entirely on your child's timeline rather than something you can actively support and encourage. Actually, the concept of readiness started in the 1960s when a lovely pediatrician, Dr. Brazelton, he wanted to avoid kids getting pressured into potty training before they were actually ready. But over time, this has evolved into endless checklists of readiness signs that really can leave you feeling confused whether your child is or isn't ready. You might have been told to wait for your child to show an interest, but here's what many experts don't mention. Most children won't naturally express an interest because they're happy with the current routine. And the longer a child stays in diaper, the more familiar and comfort that routine becomes. Some kids who are labeled as not ready, well, it's not that they're not ready, it's that they don't like feeling pressured to use the potty. They may be perfectly capable, but they're responding to an approach that feels unpleasant and overwhelming. The traditional approach often assumes your child is either ready or not ready, and that readiness is something you can't influence. But I'm going to introduce you to an idea that you can actually fast-track readiness. And what I'm referring to is something I call potty prep. So instead of waiting for readiness, you can help build familiarity and comfort. Instead of just hoping for interest, you gently cultivate interest. Instead of diving into training without preparation, You build a foundation first. And here's the key difference. Rather than being guided solely by readiness checklists, this approach focuses on readiness building. Now, I would recommend waiting till your child is 2 years. There is a level of readiness, like there has to be a few things your child can do, like sit on the toilet for a moment, walk to the toilet, and is out of that no stage. But let me explain a bit more first. When my youngest children were toddlers, they watched their older siblings use the bathroom many times. And by the time we started potty training, well, they completely understood the process. The learning had already happened naturally. And my kids basically, the younger two, trained themselves. And that's a very common story in families with siblings. But potty prep helps recreate this natural learning environment for any family. So there's 5 steps to potty prep. I'm going to break down this approach into the steps just to give you a little taste of each step, but I do have content to help you go deeper if you'd like to. So the first one is to model body awareness. So children learn through observation. So if you're comfortable, you can allow your child to accompany you to the bathroom and narrate what's happening. I felt like I needed to go pee. So here I am sitting on the toilet letting the pee come out. You can let them flush the toilet or get the toilet paper. You can ask your child to sit on the potty fully dressed while you sit on the toilet. The goal is to make the bathroom a comfortable place and to make the potty a comfortable place. Don't talk about using the potty unless your child brings it up. Over time, this casual observation can teach your child a lot about the process before you begin potty training. The next point is you want to teach your child how to wash their hands. So you're going to set up the bathroom so your child can wash their hands with minimal help from you. Kids, toddlers still need supervision around water, but with your support, they can learn to do it independently. And the key is to do this before potty training begins, not during it. Set up a stool and teach your child how to wash their hands independently. Now there's a lot of water safety issues here, and for one, I would suggest you get an anti-scald device on your hot water so you can feel that your child is safe around water and not going to burn themself. The next point is to prepare the bathroom. The goal is to make the bathroom a place that's really easy for your child to manage independently and also make it a fun place to be. So place a potty in each bathroom if possible. It's not necessary. You can have just one potty in one place. Place some potty training books in the bathroom and even a few stuffed animals or dolls or trucks, something that just stays in the bathroom. Use a stool and a toilet insert if you're going to use the toilet or a potty, and also have a stool available so your child can reach the sink. Don't talk about using the potty, just prepare the bathroom. The next point is let kids help get dressed themselves. So you want to teach your child how to put on underwear and pants. And ideally use elastic-waisted pants if you can. Focus on underwear first as it's easier. So you would teach your child how to put on underwear while sitting down. It's easier that way. And I would use these steps: 1, find the waistband and tag. 2, turn the tag to the back. 3, show the holes where the legs go. Put both legs in, then pull up your pants. Now, if weather permits, teach your child with shorts first because they're easier. Consider buying a few pairs of underwear that are sized up so it'll be easier for learning. Now, the last point is to get comfortable with poop talk, and this really helps increase your child's comfort level and may decrease the likelihood of constipation. Try to use neutral language rather than words like stinky or yucky or dirty when you're talking about bathroom functions. I want to share Sarah and Maya's story because it shows how this works in practice. So Maya was 2 years and 8 months old and she'd never shown an interest in the potty. With daycare requiring potty training, her mom Sarah decided to try the potty prep approach. So on day 1, Sarah invited Maya to accompany her to the bathroom and Maya actually sat on the potty fully dressed and helped flush and got toilet paper. And she just observed her mom using the bathroom. A few days later, mom set up a stool and taught Maya how to wash her hands independently. And a few days after that, she learned to put on underwear. Because of her age, she wasn't really great at it, but she could do it. And a few days later, Maya learned to manage her shorts. And here's the wonderful thing. Maya herself went and used the potty without being asked after a week of going into the bathroom with her mom. No pressure. Some children begin independently like Maya did. While others need a gentle nudge to take the next step. Maya's experience included 3 accidents during the learning phase, and it took about 3 weeks to completely ditch diapers. But there was no arguments, there was no rebellion, and little Maya was so proud of herself after she ditched those diapers. Now, what made Maya's experience different was that by the time formal potty training began, she was already comfortable and familiar and curious, and the transition felt more natural. And it actually felt like that it was Maya's curiosity that was running things. She didn't feel pressured to use the potty. Traditional methods often wait for readiness without actively building it. They assume interest will appear naturally, but they don't necessarily give kids opportunities to develop this interest. And potty prep will bridge this gap. You're neither waiting passively nor forcing the child. You're building familiarity that can make success more likely. So who should use the Potty Prep Method? Well, if you've tried potty training once and it didn't go smoothly, it's a good strategy. If you're hesitant to start because you want to minimize stress. If you're feeling external pressure from preschools or family members. If you have a child who seems developmentally capable, but shows no interest. If you want an approach that builds confidence rather than creating power struggles, or you're just interested in a gentle lead-up to more intensive methods, this is a good fit for you. You shouldn't really consider potty prep if your child's less than 18 months old. Well, I mean, you can always model using the bathroom, but I wouldn't try and teach them the other steps as they may not be developmentally ready for that. And potty prep isn't for you if you just want to start formal training immediately without any preparation. This approach works best for kids who seem developmentally capable, but aren't yet showing an interest in sitting on the potty. If you'd like more detailed guidance, including specific conversations, scripts, and troubleshooting, check out my workshop that is basically a starter kit. You'll find the link in the show notes. So the bottom line is this: you didn't wait for your child to ask for solid foods. You introduced them when you thought your child was ready. Potty training works similarly. Potty prep gives you active steps to take while respecting your child's developmental timeline and need for autonomy. Your 2.5-year-old doesn't necessarily need to actively want potty training. They just need to be physically ready. So trust your instincts about what feels right for your situation and your unique child. If you're feeling exhausted by the daily whining, tantrums, and power struggles that happen even though you love your child deeply, I'm really excited to tell you about something that can help. The Big Hearted School of Parenting gives you practical, bite-sized tools to end all those challenging behaviors in a way that says to your child, I love you, and actually brings you closer together. You can learn more about the Big Hearted School of Parenting by checking the link in the show notes below. Keep up the good work and have a lovely week.