REVISIT: My Favorite Way to Encourage Good Toddler Behavior

Hi there. Today we're going to be listening to an oldie but goodie. This is my absolutely favorite episode. It's called My favorite way to Encourage good Toddler Behavior. What I really like about this episode is this is a sweet way to encourage nice behavior without yelling or nagging or threatening or timeouts. So enjoy and we'll talk soon. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge my great big golden doodle. Today I'm going to share with you a brilliant tip that can make a huge difference in decreasing unwanted behavior without threats, timeouts, warnings, or yelling. The strategy encourages good behavior and it stops unwanted behavior before it even begins. I discovered this strategy when my third child was in grade one, which was many decades ago. But I've been using this lovely strategy ever since. My son Max was a super curious, mischievous little guy. He's one of those kids who had to just touch everything. He'd turn everything upside down and he'd bang them together and he'd try to take everything apart. And I loved this part of his personality. But he was getting into a lot of trouble at school. Max's young nude teacher was calling me every day with complaints about his behavior, which was really embarrassing for me. As a pediatrician, shouldn't my child be a little angel? At first I was a little annoyed with Max, I've got to be honest. But I was also confused. How could I fix the problem? I wasn't even there to witness. And after a particularly bad week, I said, enough. I didn't like this focus on Max's misbehavior, and I thought it was actually making things worse. So I decided to do something about it. I wanted to reset the negative dynamics that I was starting to see. So for 10 days, I decided I was only going to focus on the good things Max did or said. That meant I wouldn't ask, did you get in any trouble today? As soon as he came home from school. Instead, I asked, hey, Max, what was the best part of your day today? Unfortunately, we tend to focus on our kids faults and forget to talk about their amazing qualities. We don't talk enough about the kind, thoughtful, smart, generous things they do. But here's the thing kids think about themselves based on the way we talk about them, what they hear about themselves, is what they believe. Especially young kids who haven't yet developed skepticism. They believe what they're told. When I decided to focus on bringing out the best in Max's behavior instead of trying to minimize the worst, I discovered this really sweet parenting strategy that I'm going to share with you now. So let's back up for a moment. This strategy is based on the fact that we're more likely to believe something we overhear than if it's told directly to us. Well, kids are exactly the same way. Imagine your co worker, let's say her name is Mary, says, wow, Amanda, your hair looks so nice today. Well, you may wonder why Mary is complimenting you, and you might wonder whether she's making fun of you or whether she has other ulterior motives. But now imagine you overhear Mary talking with another one of your colleagues and she's saying, doesn't Amanda's hair look great today? This you would believe. Overhearing others means there's no hidden agenda. So we're more likely to believe something we overhear than something said directly to us. So I started using this insight in my office. If a child brought a stuffed animal along, I'd chat with the stuffed animal. As I was examining the little guy, I'd say something like, oh, wow, Lucy, did you see how wide Tommy opened his mouth so I could see his tonsils? Or, hey, Piggy, I bet Mel's going to let me take a peek at her eyes today. And guess what happened? I was able to examine toddlers a little easier. I didn't need to restrain them as much. Doing a physical exam on a toddler is typically a real challenge, and it requires some hugging and restraining them. But after chatting with stuffed animals, I found I could examine a toddler with a little less resistance. So I took this idea home and I tried it with my kids, especially Max. And so every so often, I'd whisper something like, hey piggy, did you see how quickly Max came to the dinner table? Or hey, blankie, Max got in bed right away tonight. Pretty cool, huh? I even whispered to my apricot colored goldendoodle smudge. The point was to let Max overhear nice comments about things he'd done, but pretend that he wasn't meant to hear them. Hey monkey. Max just put away his train set. Oh, it's so helpful when he does that. Or wow, Smudge, look how quickly Max put his boots on. Or oh, hey Teddy. Max just Helped his sister brush her teeth. What a lovely big brother. So guess what happened when we shifted from noticing everything Max was doing wrong to noticing the things he was doing right? Well, first off, I stopped hearing from Max's teacher. I felt better and Max felt great, and the whole tone at home changed. Now, I'm not suggesting that gossiping with stuffed animals will make discipline unnecessary, because it won't. But it's a great tool to promote positive behavior and boost healthy self esteem and self confidence. And no punishment is needed. This strategy works best beginning around 15 months of age. It works great. Also during that no stage where everything is a no. For instance, let's say your little one's resisting bath time. You can say something like, hey, Duckie, are you ready for your bath? Yes. Oh, great. Hey Marlene, will you help me give Duckie a bath? When I shared this strategy on Instagram a few months ago, a mom asked, why would I want to teach my toddler to believe what he overhears? I teach my kids don't believe everything you overhear. So in case you're wondering the same thing, this is a strategy for toddlers, not teenagers. It's just a way of narrating or describing what a child is already doing and not really gossiping about them. So it isn't really gossip, it's gossip with quotation marks. Now let's back up for a moment and take a deeper look at why this strategy works. It's not just about the stuffed animal and so called gossiping. It's about using your attention wisely. Actually, strategically. Remember when I mentioned I decided to focus on Max's good behavior? Well, that wasn't a random experiment. I knew that we can use our attention to bring out good behavior. I think the best way for me to explain this is with an example. So, two and a half year old Victor hated putting on his pants. He'd brush his teeth, he'd come down for breakfast, and he'd pick out his clothes without any problems. He'd put on his T shirt, underwear and socks all on his own without complaints. But he hated putting on his pants. For some reason. He'd kick and run away when it came time to the pants. His mom tried sweatpants, overalls, blue jeans. But he just kept fighting. So here's where using your attention smartly comes in. Think about this. What was getting all the attention in this situation? Well, you're right. The fighting about the pants. Now remember, kids love attention, good or bad. And kids will repeat behaviors that gain attention. So when we notice the good things happening and make a point of commenting about them. We can gradually change behavior by giving Victor more attention for putting on his underwear and his shirt and his socks than he was getting for the pants fiasco. He gradually began putting on his pants without a fuss. Now, this didn't happen overnight. It took some time and it took consistency, but the problem did disappear without stress, threats or yelling. So there really are two take home messages or two new parenting tools today. Number one, gossiping with stuffed animals or your dog helps positively encourage good behavior. And number two, use your attention wisely. Use it on the behaviors you want to nurture and encourage. Now go ahead and try these techniques and send me a DM healthiestbaby and let me know how these strategies helped you. Till next week. Thanks for listening to Toddlers Made Easy the Healthiest Baby Podcast. Join me on Instagram @healthiestbaby for a daily dose of better parenting solutions. If you love the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, please subscribe, rate and give us a review on itunes. We'd appreciate it so much. Until next time, have a great week. Sa.