Ridiculously Easy Ways To End Power Struggles

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also smudge my great big goldendoodle. So picture this. The breakfast table is set. You've managed to get your 3 year old to sit at the table. The sun's streaming in and the birds are chirping and you're just about to enjoy your first cup of coffee for the day. You've served your little one's favorite pancakes, but suddenly yesterday's favorite is now the worst thing in the world and your sweet little angel decides it's a bagel or nothing. Now, your first reaction might be to dig in your heels. I mean, you've already made the pancakes and besides, they're delicious. But this power struggle quickly escalates. The tears flow, the tantrum is coming and you can just feel it. So if you're thinking if I don't win this battle, my child won't respect me, or you think my kids should just listen to me the first time I ask, then I know you're yelling at your kids and likely saying things like if you don't listen this minute, you won't get any dessert and maybe you're getting sucked into the me against you mindset that pits us against our kids. If you're doing even just one of these things, then and I know you're going to find today's episode on power struggles very helpful. You see, there's a moment in every power struggle that I call the pivot point. And this is the moment where you decide whether this dilemma blows up or fizzles away. Yes, it's actually in your control. The pivot point is that critical juncture where you as the parent, have the ability to choose the direction this interaction takes. This moment sets the tone for what's going to happen next. It's the moment where you can either escalate the situation by insisting on your way or de escalate it by adopting a more flexible, empathetic approach. Recognizing the pivot point is crucial because it's your chance to steer the situation toward a positive outcome. You can pivot towards connection and understanding and Teaching rather than conflict. It's really your opportunity to turn a challenging moment into a chance for growth for both you and your child. So now that you know there's a pivot point, let's talk about how to take advantage of it from a developmental perspective. Power struggles happen because a toddler craves independence. It's just a crucial part of growing up. Power struggles happen when your child, in their journey of self discovery, resist your rules and expectations. And this is completely normal. Toddlers are beginning to see themselves as individuals and they're testing their boundaries to understand the world better. But the problem is that do it myself mindset. It doesn't work well if you're running late or if it's not safe what your child wants to do, or if your toddler is just getting all worked up. Now, there's two parts to a power struggle. So from your end, a a power struggle happens because you don't feel seen and heard. Your toddler wants one thing, you want another, and neither of you want to budge. For instance, you want bedtime to be at 8pm, but your little one wants to stay up and play. So do you raise your voice and say, get going. This is not open for debate. Or do you threaten to take away screen time? Really, you don't want your child to listen just because you're bigger and louder. You want them to develop self discipline and inner discipline and also to listen to you because they trust and respect you and love you. So, as I teach in my course, the first thing to do is pause. This is the power pause, the moment where you create a space between the problem and your reaction to it, providing there's no safety issues. Take this moment to let your nervous system calm down. Take deep breaths. Use a mantra. Do whatever works for you. Now, I mention this power pause often because it's such a powerful and effective way to manage tricky moments. And then it'll allow you to handle the problem with calm and composure. So you can help your child calm down just by calming down yourself. You essentially share your calm. At this age, a toddler really doesn't have much impulse control, so they need your help. Now that we've talked about being calm and recognizing this pivot point, let's talk about what to do in the moment in really practical terms. So use that pivot point and sidestep the battle. It means you don't have to handle the problem by engaging in it. Here's what I mean by sidestepping. Let's say you're asking your child to get her shoes on and she's basically ignoring you. Well, instead of asking again with a louder voice, or instead of threatening that, you'll take away screen time, Use playfulness to inspire cooperation. There's nothing wrong with meeting your child where she's at developmentally and emotionally. So if you say something like Pega Pig or whatever character inspires your child, you say, pega Pig can get her shoes on by the count of 10. I wonder if you can do it by the count of five. Let's try. Playfulness is such a powerful way to engage your child. It lightens the mood, it strengthens relationships, and it inspires collaboration. Playfulness reduces frustration, and it allows you and your child to relax and listen. You can choose to connect rather than fight now. Power struggles also happen because you and your toddler are not on the same team or not on the same page. You've become adversaries. You both feel like you're not being seen and heard. So remember, use that pivot point to reconnect. Let's say your child is refusing to put on his boots. Say something like, wow, you really don't want to put your boots on right now. And boy, are you good at knowing what you want. Now, with an older toddler, you can then go to the next step and ask him to collaborate with you and help you figure out what to do. You could say something like, but what should we do about this? We've got a big problem. We need to go pick up your sister from school and you don't want to put your boots on, but the ground is covered in snow and I want you to put them on to help keep you safe. What do you think we should do? When you stay on the same team and approach problems together, your child is much more likely to cooperate, especially when kids are asked to help solve the problem. Teamwork allows your child to feel valued and it strengthens your relationship. Now, the solution to this might look like, okay, so would you like me to put on your boots, or would you rather put them on yourself? Let's say your child still refuses and you need to get going. Remind yourself, my kiddo is just a toddler acting his age. And then say something like, you need to wear boots, as I won't let you do something that's going to be bad for you. I know it's upsetting when you have to do something you don't want to. You see, you're still on the same team. While your child may still feel angry, he's also much more likely to cooperate because he feels understood and he feels heard and he feels seen. Now, with a younger toddler, I just rely on playfulness. As a younger toddler can't really work through problems logically, their brain isn't at that developmental stage yet. Let's look at a few other ways to handle power struggles. Now, as I mentioned earlier, as with any problem, feeling seen, heard and understood is really crucial. So kneeling down and saying something like, oh, I can see you really don't want to put your shoes on and then offer that this or that choice. Would you like me to put them on or do you want to? Sometimes just putting yourself in your child's shoes for a moment will help you understand what's really needed. For example, your three year old has been in the shopping cart while you get the grocery shopping for the week done. After about a half an hour, she asks for a chocolate bar and you say no, sorry sweetheart. And the arm wrestling begins. But I want a candy. I said no and please stop asking, I want a candy. Now. When you take a quick moment to think about the situation from your child's perspective, you see a little person who's been sitting quietly in the cart for a long time and the store is bright and colorful and noisy and you think, I bet it's really hard to sit quietly in such a stimulating environment. So instead of keep focusing on the chocolate bar or the candy, you now realize your little one just needs to get involved in the shopping. So you say, can you help me pick the biggest banana? Or which apple do you think would taste best? Getting her daughter involved in the shopping was all that was needed in this situation. A three year old doesn't really know what she needs or necessarily even wants and she doesn't know how to ask for it anyways. That's our job. Putting yourself in your child's shoes is going to help you to be able to do this. Now, while we can't avoid all power struggles because they're a normal part of growing up, there are things we can do to decrease them in the future. In other words, we're not going to just focus on how to deal with them, we want to prevent them too. So again, a power struggle is your child's way of telling you that he or she needs to feel more in control. So giving your child jobs around the house that are real and make them feel valued, this helps empower a little one. And there are so many ways to include your child in all the day to day household activities. You can ask your child to put all the black socks in the laundry basket into a pile or help you sweep the floor or whip the eggs. Now, realistically, you're not always going to have time or patience to include your child in activities, but when you can manage it, realize this is an important step towards raising a responsible and considerate child. Another way to avoid future power struggle is to give your child some feelings of control over their life by giving them what I call toddler turns. And these Are these acceptable this or that option that empower a child without causing you grief. This could be as simple as letting your toddler choose their outfits for the day or deciding what snacks to have. This empowers a toddler and satisfies their need for independence, but it doesn't add a layer of difficulty to your day. Also, prepping your child is always important for anything that might be challenging. It will also help minimize conflict. So let your child know about significant events and expectations. For instance, prep your child about going to the park. Let your little one know how you will tell him or her when it's time to leave, how they might feel about it and how they can manage this moment and these feelings. Now, before we come to an end, I want to revisit the pivot point. This is that moment when you find yourself in the who's going to Blink first Battle that you can actually choose to drop out of it. Or in other words, sidestep the battle. Choose not to fight and instead get on the same team as your child. Thank you so much for listening today. If this approach aligns with your parenting goals, take a look at our courses, Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. You'll find the link in the show notes because you know what? You deserve some solid, expert guided advice. Have a great week and happy parenting.