Rude or Just Learning? Big-Hearted Fixes for Toddler Challenges

Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, your host. This is the bite sized podcast where there's no fluff and we just get straight to the point. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a pediatrician with 35 years of experience. I'm the mother of four amazing adult kids and I have a great big golden doodle named Smudge. Today we're going to be talking about rudeness and sleep problems. I'm going to be answering some questions I received that I thought would be helpful for you as well. Let's get started with the first question. Dr. Catherine, I have a question about my three year old. Sometimes it feels like my son is being rude out of frustration. And like when he doesn't get what he wants. Other times it seems like he's doing it just to get attention. What's concerning me is that it started happening not just with me and my husband, but also with others. And what I'm talking about is he'll say things like I don't want to say hi or smile at people. And he's saying this now to extended family and neighbors or even strangers who are just trying to say hi or smile at him because they think he's cute. What's tricky is that he repeats the same line at home too, even when no one is around or trying to interact with him, which makes it feel like he's trying to get a reaction from us. How should we handle this? Should we use the same kind of response we would for hitting? Or is there a better approach to address rudeness? I want to thank you for your question. It's a fabulous one. And let's get into the answer. We're going to address rudeness today with a big hearted approach. It sounds like your little one is having some big emotions and experimenting with some social boundaries, which is completely typical for a three year old. And while this behavior may be typical, you still need to manage it in a way that helps the situation. When your child says I don't want to say hi or smile at people, let's think about where this feeling or thought may be coming from. So first of all, your son may be uncomfortable. Maybe he feels a little unsure in social situations. I don't feel like talking to people I don't know well is a big feeling for a small person. He may be expressing independence. I'm the boss of me. This is a common and healthy developmental sentiment at this age. Your child may enjoy the reaction he's getting. Toddlers love feeling powerful and if he's noticed that his behavior gets a big reaction, he's going to be testing it out again and again. Also, maybe your son is practicing autonomy. I don't know. Maybe you've taught your child about consent. He might be exercising his right to decide when and how he interacts with others. And while that's all very well and good, we still need to know what to do in the moment. So the first thing is you want your child to feel seen and understood. So when your toddler says, I don't want to say hi, show him you understand his feelings by saying something like, you don't feel like saying hi right now. I get it. That's okay. This approach validates his feelings without reinforcing the rudeness. Now, in this situation, I would say to the person who has said hello to your child, my son is just discovering that he's his own boss. Something like that. Something cute. But that's not where we would lead things. Remember, there's ways we handle things in the moment, but then later, at a calm time, you want to teach your child the tools you think they're lacking or the tools they need to handle the situation differently next time. So at a later time, I would just ask your son, why don't you like saying hi? Now, he may or may not have an answer for you. Most often kids don't have insight into themselves. But sometimes you never know. You may get a very interesting answer. But this is when I would also teach your child alternative ways of responding. So I would teach your son, if you don't feel like saying hi, you can always wave instead. Or you can just say it very quietly. And then I would go ahead and practice this scenario over and over with different stuffed animals, make it funny, have fun doing it, and let him be the person that's saying hello versus himself. But use play to reinforce and teach different ways of responding in this situation. When your son does the same thing at home, when nobody's even said anything, I would just say something simple like, sometimes you don't feel like saying hi. I get it. But don't make a big deal out of it. When you don't reinforce the situation, you will find it'll just disappear on its own. But even more importantly is we always want to look at how can we proactively prevent this situation in the future. Not only do we equip our kids with the tools to manage these problems, but. But we want to see if there are things that we can do that will eliminate them. And one strategy that's very effective. Kind of. Regardless what the behavioral issue is, is magic time. And that's where you set aside, say 10 minutes of quality one on one time a day. It can even be five minutes if time is really pressed. This is unstructured play where your child calls the shots and you just follow their lead. No correcting or teaching, just connection. Let's look at this situation in a few scenarios. So for example, let's say your neighbor says hi out at the park and your toddler says, I don't want to say hi. Well, you could just answer, you don't feel like talking right now? Okay, I get it. And then say to your neighbor, my son is learning that he's the boss of himself right now. Let's say a grandparent leans in for a hug and your toddler says, I don't want to hug you. Well, you can say to the grandparent, my son's learning to decide when he wants hugs. It's a big part of growing up, isn't it? Later, teach your toddler that a wave or a high five is a kind alternative. Now, you also had a next part to this question and you said, my son's also extremely rude to his dad. When I'm an option and but when it's just the two of them, and I've observed this directly from monitors or cameras, he treats my husband with love and respect. But when I'm around, he's nasty to his dad and I end up trying to repair or reconnect them. And my husband does too. But it just feels relentless. We need some help to break out of this dynamic. So it's really tough when your toddler seems to favor one parent over than the other and treats the other one unfairly. This dynamic can feel very personal, but it's really more about your child trying to assert control than it is about a real preference. But this happens for a variety of reasons. Let's look at why children have favouritism. One is there's not many ways for a three year old to feel powerful. And they're at a developmental stage where they really, really want to feel some control. And choosing one parent over the other helps them feel like they're in charge. They're also little scientists and they're experimenting with behaviors to see what works. And favoritism is exactly that, an experiment. From a developmental point of view, this kind of behavior peaks around ages 2 to 4 as your toddler's learning about independence and assertiveness. So again, what can you do about this? First thing is try to stay calm in the moment. When your toddler says, only mommy can help me, I just respond something like, you love it when mommy helps. Well, let's see if dad can do it just as well. If you're pouring milk, make it playful by pretending the milk is magic juice or singing a silly song. Playfulness is a great way to get through to a child because you're speaking to them from where they are right now. I would resist this over repairing. If your toddler's rude to dad, avoid jumping in to fix the problem. Let your child see that dad is confident and unfazed and this will help break the cycle of favoritism. And lastly, I would use magic time as a moment for dad and your son to have some special time together. So I would encourage one on one time where dad gets to do something fun, fun and special with your toddler. This could be as simple as a trip to the playground or building a tower together or reading a book. Now let's look at some examples of how to respond in the moment. So let's say it's bedtime and your toddler says, only mummy can read to me. Well, you could say you love when mummy reads to you. Let's see if I can make the story even sillier than mummy does tonight or during a tantrum. If your toddler says, I don't want daddy to help, then daddy can say, I get it, you're really upset and you like it when mommy gives you a hug after a tantrum. Let's see if I can give you even a bigger hug than mommy gives you. Again, use playfulness. Let's say out of the blue your toddler just says to dad, I don't like you. Then dad could answer something that takes the sting out a little bit by saying, wow, you must be really upset to say something like that. I want you to know I still love you. I love you to the sky and back. Or again, you get the idea. Just keep it light. So I hope you can see here that the takeaway is toddlers are rude because they lack communication skills and they show favoritism because they need to feel some control. So another thing I would just add in before we finish off is make sure you're giving your child a lot of choices because again, we talked about how to proactively prevent problems. Well, if the problem is needing to feel in control, then let's give lots of choices so your child has lots of opportunity to feel that sense of control. I'd love to hear how things are going Please send me an email and let me know if things are settling down. Now the next question I received is from a mom and it relates to a sleep problem. So Dr. Catherine, do you have any good tips to help me wean my 3 year old who's still waking for a breastfeed most nights? I asked this mom one question and that was how does your child fall asleep at bedtime and nap time? And the answer was that he falls asleep either while breastfeeding or after having a breastfeed. So do you see the issue here? Mother Nature equips babies with sleeping skills but not falling asleep skills. Falling asleep is a learned behavior and the way our little one falls asleep at bedtime becomes the pattern they'll rely on during the middle of the night wake ups when they hit the light sleep state. So let me first say how you manage bedtime is a deeply personal choice. If you're looking for a gentle way to stop those night wakings, well, there are approaches that don't involve unnecessary stress for your child. However, these methods depend on teaching your child or helping your child to learn to fall asleep independently. You'll need to create some space between bedtime feeds and actually falling asleep. That doesn't mean you have to cut back on breastfeeding whatsoever, you just have to shift when the last feat occurs. Now I want to reassure you this is a choice and not a requirement. You don't have to change anything if it doesn't feel right for you and your family. But if you're ready to make a shift, well, there are kind, respectful ways to do it. For a step by step guide, I'm going to ask you to listen to my two part series, why Won't My Child Fall Asleep Without Me? And that will give you the step by step routine. If you feel like now is the right time and you're prepared to make some changes, it's packed with practical strategies you can start implementing right away. Also, keep an eye out for my upcoming no Fluff Bite sized series how to learn in 20 minutes. And the first episode is about toddler sleep and I'm recording it right now, so it should be ready in just a few weeks. Now, if there's a specific topic you'd like me to cover in the how to learn in 20 minutes series, feel free to drop me an email at drcatherinealthiest-baby.com I'd love to hear from you. Now some final thoughts. Rudeness and favoritism are common toddler behaviours, but there are also opportunities to teach kindness, independence and respect. So remember, your calm and consistent responses shapes how your child navigates these situations, and big hearted parenting is the glue that strengthens the bond with your child. Now, if you'd like some more support, check out my podcast episodes on Rudeness and Favoritism for a deeper dive into both of these topics. Have a lovely week and keep up the good work.