Screaming Toddlers: Why They Do It and How To Stop It

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great Big Goldendoodle. Today we're going to focus on the shrieking phase. That time in a child's life when they yell constantly is. If they only know yelling, there's no talking at a conversational level. Just last week, one of my patients complained Sammy has two volumes, Loud and Louder. She was so convinced that Sammy had a hearing problem that I sent him for a hearing test only to discover his hearing is perfectly normal. Can you relate to this? Does your toddler scream leaving you feeling like you're at a rock concert instead of your living room? Whether your toddler's asking for a snack or demanding a book, or simply sharing a story, it often comes in the form of a scream. Now, if you're nodding your head in agreement, you're far from alone. This screaming phase is very common and it often kicks in around 17 months of age. And it can be a little overwhelming. So let's delve into why toddlers go through this phase and then we'll talk about some strategies to bring down the volume. So let's start off with, well, why do toddlers scream? Toddlers are in a constant state of learning and their voice is no exception. Once they discover they can produce sounds and the sounds get reactions, well, they're going to keep testing it and, and testing the limits of it. And then toddlers discover the power of screaming. The louder they are, the quicker you respond, and that reinforces the behavior. They also learn that their voice can command a room, and with it comes a sense of power. And you know, toddlers love nothing more than feeling powerful. So those high pitched squeals aren't reserved just for demands or complaints. There are also a way to express joy and excitement and fun. And it is so much fun. Kids just love playing with their voice. Toddlers will scream just because it's a kick. So now let's take a look at some strategies to turn down the volume or to help your kids talk quieter. This first strategy, I use this really often, and for some kids it works like a miracle. And other kids doesn't do much. So fight that instinct to match their volume and instead, the louder they get the quieter you get. So you're basically whispering when they're yelling at you. And this unexpected reaction, it tends to take them by surprise. And like I mentioned, some kids, that's enough to bring down the volume. If not, here are some other strategies. Next, I would use play to help your child learn volume control. So, for instance, I would play a game. Let's say you're in an orchestra and you're the conductor, and I would take your baton and I would use it to go up and down. So teach your child loud and soft. Have them scream and then whisper and scream and then whisper. And when you're doing this, they're learning not only the difference of loud and soft, but how to control their voice. You could also just ask your child to switch between shouting and whispering on cue and make it a game. And again, this teaches them both vocal volume and how to control it. Another pretty effective way to turn the screams down is to turn the screaming into a song. For some kids. Again, this works like magic. It turns the focus from noise making to melody making. Quality time solves so many problems. And so even though we're talking about screaming, you find if you spend that five minutes a day just undivided special time with your child, no criticism, no lectures, use it just solely to watch your child play and follow their directions. This special time solves screaming with so many kids because you're feeling that need for attention. Finally, keep in mind that this phase, like many others, it will fizzle out. And who knows, Your little screamer may channel that powerful voice into something magnificent one day. And here's my little story, a very short one today. My second child, she was a big screamer. And although she was this little sunshine happy girl, a lot of her speech came out really loud. And my little screecher went from being the family shrieker to a professional opera singer. So before we move on, I just want to take a moment and think about, well, when should I worry? And is a hearing test needed? So, typically, the answer is no. But let me give you some situations when you should consider getting a hearing test. So, first of all, I have never found loudness without anything else associated with it as a sign of a hearing problem With a young and developing child. That's very different than an older child, but with a young child who is still developing speech, it's their speech milestones that give us a huge amount of information about hearing. So, for instance, let's say you had a young baby, 12 to 15 months old, and she isn't babbling. Very much. That would be a concern. A child who doesn't respond to his or her name. Now this one's a little tricky because so many kids will ignore you because they're busy, they're playing, you're calling their name, they don't want to do whatever it is you're about to ask them, so they ignore you. So you have to watch the situations when you're calling their name and ask yourself, is my child ignoring me or not hearing me At a little bit older age, say 15 to 24 months. If your child isn't using simple words, can't point to a few body parts, doesn't listen with interest to songs or rhymes or stories, she or he doesn't know the names of common objects or can't follow simple commands. Well, that would be an indication for a hearing test with or without shrieking. Now I mentioned last week that I was going to start answering some questions that I thought would be helpful to everyone. And so I have a question from a lovely mom this week that I'd like to share with you. So this mom wrote me I've been the epitome of regulation. Okay, well, most of the time with my two and a half year old, he yells at me because I tell him no. Well, I don't actually say no. I say yes, we can do that, but we just can't do it right now. Or yes, you can have milk, but not until dinner time. And he's starting to get super angry. I look at him calmly and I say, I know you're angry and this is frustrating. But before I can get anything else out of my mouth, he screams at me to stop talking and tells me he just wants to be angry. And sometimes he even hits me. Now no one in the family yells at him and no one hits. I have zero idea where he's gotten this from. So let me ask you, is this normal? How else do I regulate for him to show him this is not the way, when he tells me he just wants to be angry, I tell him it's okay to be angry and I'm here. But how can I teach him to help himself? I'm trying so hard not to repeat past generations mistakes and to be fair and a regulated parent. I desperately want to be a good example and show love and compassion, yet still set boundaries. Well, thanks Martha. This is a wonderful question. Your two and a half year old sounds like a really passionate little guy and you sound like a really big hearted parent who is trying really hard to raise a resilient child. That is wonderful. But let me give you a few suggestions about what you're struggling with right now. First of all, let's remember that a toddler is impulsive and has no filter. What he says does not mean the same thing to him as it does to you. Now, you mentioned that your child yells at you when he doesn't get his way and that you tend to avoid saying no directly. And then he gets super angry when you answer him. So the first thing is, let's put ourselves in our kid's shoes for a second and look at the situation from his perspective. Your child wants something really badly and he's being told no, but kind of a yes, no. The no is wrapped in a yes. And I'm wondering whether that's frustrating him. Many kids, it's helpful, but some kids is actually, it causes them to be even more frustrated. It's like finding a treasure chest and you're so excited to open it only to discover there's nothing inside. So for some kids, again, the no wrapped in a yes softens the blow. But for others, it's just frustrating for your little guy. I'd answer your child directly. Now, that doesn't mean you can't give him some hope about when he'll get what he wants. But let's. No, sweetheart, not right now. But you can have your chocolate milk, which your afternoon snack. And oh, please, sweetheart, will you remind me that you want chocolate milk at snack time? Give them a little something to empower them at the end there if you can, because that's when they need it most. So there's yelling and there's hitting too, here. We need to remember, a toddler is really not a mini adult. And they don't respond to situations like adults. They don't have the brain tools they need to talk themselves down. So feelings literally burst out of them or they use their body to express how they're feeling. So, yes, you do want to teach your child not to hit. There's no question about that. But at the same time, I'd remind you that tantrums are normal and healthy. It's hard to get comfortable with these really big feelings, as most of us have been raised to not express them or to try and push them down. But I would allow your son his anger and not try and alter it, providing, of course, there are no safety issues like he's not hitting you. Also, during a tantrum or a meltdown, a kid's logic center is basically offline. So trying to reason with him or reassure him or even have a conversation. It's not going to be effective and it can actually aggravate things in an earlier episode. Really Just a few weeks ago I spoke about tantrums and I described the different stages of a tantrum. There's a stage when it's best not to interact, just to share your calm through body language. But then there's also that time where you can step in and use your words or physical comfort to help calm your child down. I'd recommend you go look at that so that you make sure you're not aggravating the situation and instead just adding calm. So you already sound like you're doing a great job of bringing calm to challenging moments and that's a huge accomplishment. But for those moments when you're just not sure how to manage things, I'd recommend you see things with a big hearted interpretation and let me show you what I mean. When you're working hard at staying calm and your child yells at you, stop talking. I just want to be angry. Pause for one millisecond and just think, what is the big hearted way of interpreting what's going on? Well, my little guy's really disappointed and he just doesn't know what to say or do with these intense feelings. When you do that, it's much easier to intervene or to step in in a way that is calm and kind but still holds your limits. So you could say you're really angry. I said, no, you couldn't have chocolate milk right now. It's really hard when you don't get what you want. I understand if your child says, I just want to be angry and let your child know you hear and understand. I get it. It's hard when you don't get what you want. I feel that way sometimes too. Now the pediatrician in me also needs to throw in that it's important to make sure your child is getting enough sleep because everyone is less tolerant when they're tired. So let's sum things up. I'd suggest using a more direct no when the situation requires it. I'd expect a reaction if you say no, as no one likes hearing no. Allow these feelings and as your child gets older, they will start to use their words in place of meltdowns. Martha, I want to thank you for sharing your challenges and if you'd like to have your question answered on the podcast, please send me a DM over on Instagram ealthiestbaby Now. If this approach to toddler challenges resonates with you, check out our courses in the show Notes thank you for listening, and I'll see you next week, Sam.