Separation Anxiety in Toddlers

Maddie's fingers are digging into my back as her teacher Nancy walks towards us. Nancy's smiling warmly pretending that everything is fine. Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with 33 years of experience and the mum of four fantastic kids. This is your bite sized podcast where all the extra chatter is left out so you can get all the solid information you need in the few spare moments you've got. Today's episode is about anxiety and why you shouldn't sneak out. Let's get back to the story. So Nancy reaches out to take Madison, who only tightens her grip on me. I leave plenty of time for drop offs, but I still feel the pressure of needing to get to my office on time. I'm a stickler for being on time, but more than anything I feel the guilt, the gut wrenching heartbreak and the desperation that follows our goodbyes the every single morning. These difficult drop offs went on for weeks and weeks until I discovered something that made a huge difference. And I'm going to share that with you in a little bit. But you see, it's normal for toddlers to feel some anxiety when saying goodbye. After all, you're everything to your child. The thought of being without you can make a child feel sad and scared. However, it's important to help your child learn how to cope with separation and sadness and in a healthy way. So all kids feel some anxiety at some point. It's normal. In fact, between 18 months and 3 years of age, most kids will be a bit clingy during this period of time. However, there's a great variety in how difficult separations will be. But the good news is kids have grow separation anxiety and I know this all too well. And that's another story I'm going to share with you in a bit. So every child is different and it's impossible to say when separation will appear or fade. But remember this, it's normal and it's expected. So let's look at how to handle it. The first thing is to keep your goodbyes short when you show anxiety about the situation or you keep coming back to check on your child and see how your little one is doing. Well, unfortunately you send the message that there really is something to worry about. So avoid delaying or waiting to see if your child has settled down. The next point is the importance of seeing your child. And let me explain what I mean by that. One of the most important things in life is to feel seen and understood. And that's true whether you're 1 years old or 60 years old. Say goodbye without dawdling. But also don't brush off your child's feelings. Remember, your toddler wants to feel seen and understood. So saying something like, you're sad, Mommy's leaving. I get it, sweetheart. Although it's natural to want to spare our children from grief, allowing them to feel sad, it's just respectful. You're not denying their feelings. You're not telling your child what she should feel. You're not pushing feelings to the side. You're just showing your child you understand what she's going through. So it's much better to name the feelings your child is experiencing and help them build up their resilience by teaching them how to cope. And that brings me to the big point of don't sneak out. If you sneak out, your child's going to worry you're going to disappear without warning in the future. And guess what? This causes more clinginess. While sneaking out may delay a scene, it tends to escalate meltdowns in the future. And also it may cause anxiety and distrust, which is not at all what you've intended. The next point is to develop a goodbye ritual. With my youngest, with Maddie, kiss, hug, nose rub was our routine. And this means goodbyes always end with a feel good moment. You can blow bubbles on both cheeks or high five and I love you, whatever works for you. But this is a signal for both of you that you're going to leave now. And with the consistent goodbye routine, you build trust and make leaving easier down the road. Unfortunately, way down the road, things don't typically improve overnight. The next important point, and this one is really important, is to prep your child. This is a really powerful way to make goodbyes easier. Prepare your child for daycare school drop offs by explaining exactly what's going to happen. Do this every morning or evening and just make it a short review. Give the details about what's going to happen. Include what your child might feel and what to do about those feelings. For instance, teach your child a mantra such as mommy loves me, daddy loves me, or teach deep breathing. And we called this magic breathing in our family. So here's an example of how to prep what you would say. So tomorrow is daycare. You're going to get up in the morning and put your clothes on. Then you're going to come downstairs and have breakfast. And after breakfast we'll brush teeth and then get in the car. We're going to drive to school, park the car and then mummy will come to the school entrance. I'm going to say goodbye at the door and we'll do our kiss hug nose rubber and I'll be back after nap time. And a little tip here is that tie in your return with an event because kids don't really understand time. So don't say I'll be back at four or in five hours. Say I'll be back after nap time or snack time. So you may feel sad when Mummy leaves or you may just be excited to go play with your friends. Both feelings are totally normal. If you feel sad, you can take magic breaths. They'll help you feel better. Let's practice a few right now. And then after a few magic breaths, go find a friend or do an activity that's fun. And by the way, Mummy packed your picture album so you can peek at it whenever you want. The next point is to use Playtime for learning. Kids work out so many issues through play. In fact, I'd recommend you eavesdrop and notice what your child talks about when playing on her own. You'll learn a lot about what's bothering her and what she's working out. So use Playtime to practice daycare or school drop off routines. Let your child play both roles. Now this next point is just something that I found helpful and hopefully you will too. And here's the little story I promised you. So earlier I promised I'd tell you about what solved Maddie's drop off problems. Most days it was my job to take the kids to school as my husband leaves too early. So I drop off the older kids first and then take Maddie to her class. But one day I decided to ask Maddie what would make these drop offs easier for you. That's an important point to ask her that because that's how I make sure we're on the same team and working together to solve the problem. So instead of thinking, why are you doing this to me? Think this is really tough for you and how can I help? Well, Maddie adored her older siblings and she decided she wanted her older sister to walk her to her class. So we said our goodbyes in the car, which for some reason went surprisingly well, and Marissa took Maddie's hand and they walked off laughing together to her classroom. And that was the end of her drop off problems. Now, I don't like telling stories that sound too good to be true, but this is a true story and I wanted to share it with you. And I wanted to share it with you for a few reasons. The first one is I wanted to emphasize the importance of staying on the same team. The next is the importance of asking your child, how can I help? Also, it is a strategy that works well as to team up with a friend and go together. Lastly, kids are full of surprises, so never assume how they're going to react. The next point to help your child with separation anxiety is to read books. There are lots of great books out there about saying goodbye, and one that I can recommend is the Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn. I'd also think about how to stay connected after you leave. And that's where I recommend a little photo album that you make together with family pictures. And this can provide connection and comfort after you've gone. If your child is involved in making the photo album, she'll be more invested in it or he'll be more invested in it. And before we move on, I want to mention again teaching coping skills. So practice deep breathing or using a mantra. Use a time when your child is happy and relaxed to practice this. Now, one of the things I teach in my course, Toddlers Made Easy, is a strategy I encourage parents to use with any tricky toddler moment. When I was in medical school, I discovered the power of acronyms. There was so much information to consume and remember and recall, and I found that in high pressure moments, I was able to perform better. When I relied on an acronym, specifically when I was frazzled, it helped me think straight. And I've used this same concept with parents for decades. Now I've come up with an acronym that helps you stay calm when you're feeling frazzled. So we're going to use the same approach here, and I'm going to give you a little overview of it now. So E is for evaluate. You're really evaluating your reaction to the situation, not your child. And we'll go into a little more detail. A is for acknowledge feelings. And this is where you tell your child, you seem really sad or you seem really angry. I get it. An amazing thing happens when you acknowledge feelings. The brain actually secretes soothing hormones. The next point is we're going to stick to our boundaries. This is not permissive parenting where we're just talking about feelings. We are also setting limits. And in this situation, the limit is the saying goodbye. And the next point is the why. Yes. Find the yes. And this is where you shift to something your child can do that really helps your child stay optimistic because she learns well. While I may not be able to do this, I can do that instead. So if you'd like to learn more about this easy strategy and how to stay calm when you're stressed out, we have a free webinar Tame Tantrums Without Losing youg Temper, and you can register for it from the link in the show notes. So now let's use Easy to help us with our goodbyes. So the first step is evaluate. So I want you to take a quick moment before saying a word to gain some composure. In other words, the first thing you do is actually nothing. You're creating a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. Next comes Acknowledge feelings. So you're going to name your child's feeling and let them know it's okay. Oh sweetie, you're sad. Mommy's going to work. That's really hard. After Mummy says goodbye, you take some deep breaths like this, like we practice and then go have some fun and play with your friends. S is for Stick to your boundaries. Boundaries aren't always about telling children not to do things. Here it's about leaving with respect for your child's experience, but without the long and drawn out goodbyes. And finally, the yes. Finding the yes. In this situation, I'd say something like what book do you want to read when Mommy gets home? And then make sure you do this when you get home. Or you could also just do your bye bye ritual kiss, hug, nose rub, and then it's time to leave. Now, with a consistent, confident goodbye routine, you build trust. You make leaving easier down the road. Now I promised you a second story about how separation anxiety does eventually resolve. Sometimes people are worried it means their child lacks confidence or is too sensitive. But my daughter had pretty bad separation anxiety and now she's lived all over the world for the last decade. So kids really do get over this. Now let's do a quick rehash before we finish. Sneaking out may seem like an easy solution to toddler separation, but it's really not helpful in the long run. It's much better to name the feelings your child is experiencing and help them build up their resilience by teaching them how to cope with separation anxiety. I hope you found this helpful and I look forward to next week's episode. It's going to be a great one.