Sibling Rivalry

Why does Cooper always get to push the elevator button? He did it last time. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy podcast, where you learn how to become the parent you really want to be. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience and the mum of four amazing kids. Parents are the busiest people on the planet, so let's not waste any time and let's dive. Today we're going to be talking about why siblings should be treated as individuals and not equals. Eight out of 10 children in the US are growing up with a sibling. Siblings support and learn from each other, but they compete for a parent's attention and love. Did you know that observational studies show that siblings fight up to eight times an hour? Does that sound familiar? Does that sound about right? Sibling rivalry comes in different forms. 85% of siblings are verbally aggressive, 74% push and shove each other, and about 40% are physically aggressive. And that includes kicking and punching and biting. 40% of physically aggressive sounds really high to me. From a developmental point of view, sibling rivalry helps kids figure out their unique qualities. These relationships are really important, and they shape us for better or worse. Sibling relationships are also complex. And today we're going to just focus on one special aspect. Why treating kids as individuals improves sibling relationships. When we strive for equality, kids are always checking and tallying up. Am I getting my fair share? Is my piece of cake as big as my sister's? Is what I got as good as my brother's? Does my dad spend as much time with me as he does with the baby? And why does my brother always get to push the elevator button? Treating siblings as equals actually promotes this scrutinizing and competition and rivalry, and it's not a comfortable place to be. But when you step back and you really think about sibling conflicts, especially from the child's perspective, you realize the problem really isn't about the siblings and what they did or didn't get. It's about feeling secure in your relationship with your parents. Here's an example of a family where treating the kids as equals was their priority. So when Meg and Lance returned from their weekend to New York, they gave their four kids their welcome home gifts. They decided to get the kids a cute watch, and they bought them all the same one, just in different colors. They thought there'd be less fighting that way, but what they didn't anticipate was the amount of fighting over who got which color child. It's not fair. Blue is my favorite color. Why didn't I get the blue Watch. Since when is blue your favorite color? Child? Blue is always my favorite color. I want the blue watch. Being treated as equals didn't eliminate sibling squabbles and instead it caused the kids to compare and complain. So what about if we abandoned the goal of everything being fair, which you were likely only doing to reassure your kids you love them equally. But. But when you abandon this priority instead, you can focus on treating each child as unique with their own priorities and preferences. Think of it this way. The more recognized and seen, the more secure and valued a child feels, and then the less likely they are to squabble. Now let's look at the same scenario when individuality is the priority. So we'll consider this gift giving scenario again. Instead of giving each child the same item and expecting less fighting, what if each gift reflected a child's particular interest or strength? So for instance, the four year old who loves crafts gets something artsy, while the five year old who loves sports gets some sports books or equipment and so on. Let's look at another example where treating kids as individuals is the priority. And here's the question. Should portions at mealtime be the same? Why does Sam get a second pancake? Are you still hungry, sweetheart? You can ask for seconds if you're hungry. I'm not hungry. But it's not fair. You're upset your brother got a second pancake. I get it. But in our family, we each get what we need. Listen to your body and let me know if you need another pancake. Isn't that a lovely way to solve that problem? In my family, there's a big age difference between my eldest and my youngest. I call them my before and after medical school kids. So the older kiddo, he needed bigger servings than our youngest daughter and that's what he got. Sipping fights are often a child's way of saying, mom, dad, my emotional tank is running on low. In my online course, Toddlers Made Easy, we talk about spending special focused time with our kids every single day. If you want to learn more, check out our online course in the show notes. Now let's get back to the special focus time. This time is what I think of as emotional vitamins. It gives your child the daily ingredients needed for emotional health and well being. This special time is child led phones down. It doesn't need to be long, say five to ten minutes every day. Get down on your child's level, follow their lead and just spend some relaxed time together. Don't use this time to discuss problems or rehash something that happened Earlier. Don't teach. Just enjoy your child. It's an amazing way to deepen your relationship. It's a confidence booster, and believe it or not, it decreases sibling rivalry. When each child feels significant and seen and valued, there's less reason to fight. So do this daily. Give emotional vitamins and it'll assure your child she's lovable and valued and that you see her uniqueness. Before we finish up, I want to take a look at one last scenario. We'll approach this from both perspectives. Treating kids as equals and treating kids as individuals. So we're going to start off with treating kids as equals. Why does Jill get new running shoes? I want new running shoes. You'll get new running shoes. Next. Which ones do you want? I want pink running shoes. I don't have any pink ones. Perfect. When you need new running shoes, let's get pink ones. I want them now. It's not fair. I have to wait. Jill got some today. Okay, you're right. It's only fair. Let's go tomorrow and see if we can find ones you like. So why isn't this ideal? Well, as mentioned earlier, this treating kids as equals promotes surveillance and never ending comparisons. Kids are always on the lookout, which isn't a healthy place to be. It's stressful and exhausting and it encourages jealousy and competitiveness. But now here's the same example, and we're going to focus on treating our kids as individuals here. Why does Jill get new running shoes? I want new running shoes. You're sad you didn't get new running shoes. I get it. Jill needed new running shoes because her old ones don't fit anymore. But I want pink running shoes. I don't have pink ones. Perfect. When you need new running shoes, let's get pink ones. Okay. When I need new running shoes, can we get pink shoelaces too? Mom? Yes, sweetheart? So before we go, let's review. When siblings are treated as equals, there's a tendency to scrutinize everything closely to make sure you're getting your fair share. And this actually encourages competitiveness and conflicts. But when we treat siblings as individuals, they feel seen and understood and it encourages mutual respect and a more supportive relationship. And lastly, giving emotional vitamins. In other words, that special focus, Time health, helps strengthen our relationship with our child and it contributes to emotional, healthy sibling relationships. Now, this is such a big topic, and I know we're just touching on a very small aspect of sibling conflicts. So we'll definitely talk about this more in the future. I hope you found this episode Helpful. If you're struggling with any other tricky toddler moments, check out our best selling online course, 20 Toddlers Made Easy. And again, the link is in the show notes. See you next.