Stop Yelling, Start Connecting

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids, and I just became a grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big golden Doodle. In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to stop yelling at your kids. Now this episode is going to be really important for you, especially if you're exploding when your kids don't listen and and then you feel guilty about it later. If you start off calmly but eventually lose your cool if you're yelling more than you'd like, if you're using scary loud words, if you're saying things you later regret, or if you go from calm to crazy parent in seconds, I suspect you're feeling overwhelmed and probably not taking enough time for self care. You're probably not getting enough sleep and you don't feel good about yourself after losing it and you just wish you yelled less. Am I right? If you're doing even just one of these things, then this episode is going to be very helpful for you. Parents often complain they don't want to yell, but it seems like the only way their kids will listen. It's an attention grabber. Or is it? According to a parenting poll, 90% of parents of young children say they yell and 100% of parents say they yell at older kids. So let's face it, parenting is hard. It's so stressful. Plus there's so much pressure in our day to day lives. We've got deadlines and meals to prepare and houses to clean and appointments to keep and work to get done. And then your little one spills the milk you just asked him not to touch and you can go from calm to crazy in a snap. Will we all snap at some point? Typically it just happens. It's not actually a decision. Parents often yell when they feel ignored because nobody likes to feel ignored. But I have to wonder, is yelling even effective and is it harmful? Well, let's be clear about one thing first. We're not talking about yelling at your kids from a safety perspective. In other words, yelling something like don't go on the street. We're talking about yelling as a discipline tactic. Stop hitting your sister. Stop Pulling the dog's tail. Yelling may look like it's helping in the short term, but research has shown that it causes stress and anxiety down the road. Clearly, yelling doesn't work or there would be no need to keep yelling. When we yell, the fight or flight reflex gets stimulated and kids can't learn when they're all revved up. The fight or flight response essentially says, hey, something's threatening here, watch out. And then you know what happens. Those learning centers basically shut down. Also, when we yell at a toddler, we take a position that says we're not on the same team, which really doesn't help with building close, loving, trusting relationships. Plus, everyone likes to feel valued, and being yelled at certainly doesn't do that. It really hurts a toddler's emotional health. I want to ask you to imagine for a moment you're a young child and you're still learning to communicate and just make sense of the world. And the person you trust and depend on towers over you and is yelling at you with a booming voice. Now, with your limited vocabulary and your developing brain, you're really struggling to understand the meaning behind those words. You just feel overwhelmed and you have the sensation of fear. As a child, you absorb the emotions without truly grasping the context or intention behind the yelling. Although fear might temporarily compel a child to comply with the demands being made, yelling ultimately proves ineffective. Now, again, if it were so effective, we wouldn't need to keep yelling. A study that looked at 15 month olds found that they could tell if an adult is anger prone. And then these little ones will take steps to avoid being the target of anger. This is kind of sad. And it means that toddlers are a whole lot more receptive than we realize. Now let's face it, you're not a terrible parent for yelling. You're human. And there's going to be times when you lose your temper. You don't need to feel guilty, but here's where gaining control of your emotions and a quick apology really helps. We all have intense feelings that follow us from childhood and impact our parenting. And getting to know your triggers will be really helpful in the long run. I would suggest you spend some time thinking about this. But remember, there's nothing wrong with feeling angry. We encourage our kids to feel all the feelings, and the same thing is true for adults. But what we do with the anger is the issue. Knowing our childhood triggers will help, but also a better understanding of toddlers will help as well. So your mindset can break the calm until you explode cycle. Yelling isn't really a decision, it's typically more of a release. But not yelling is a decision, and it requires some thought and planning. Now, when your little one was a newborn, you wouldn't even dream of not running to the rescue at the tiniest whimper. Whether you'd already gotten up five times in the night or not, you'd race and pick up your baby. But once they're mobile and hit that toddler stage, we start thinking of our kids like mini adults. And here's the thing. We think toddlers are more capable than they really are. Most parents expect toddlers to share control emotions and to be logical before they're really capable. So we need to understand and remember that toddlers are irrational, illogical, emotional, and they truly don't know how to behave. They mean well, they love you, and they're not trying to push your buttons. They're just toddlers and they're too young to really get it. Or in other words, they're just acting their age. And I would actually use this as a mantra. My child is just a toddler acting her age. Now, with this kind of thinking, I encourage you to expect misbehavior. Expect that your toddler won't come to the table when you ask him to. Expect him to make a mess. Expect them to be rude and bossy. You should expect tantrums, yelling, throwing, grabbing. These behaviors aren't a reflection of your parenting, and I'm not suggesting you just accept the behavior. But when you expect a toddler to act his age, you won't be frustrated or even interpret the behavior as not listening. And you won't think, oh, he's just trying to push my buttons. When we expect our toddlers to basically act their age, we're less likely to get angry when they don't listen. Why? Because we're not taking it personally. You're not thinking that whatever is ticking you off is. Is misbehavior. Now, you still need to teach and guide and correct your toddler, but now you'll think, my kid wants to behave. He just doesn't know how to yet. In my online course, Toddlers Made Easy, I have a whole module on this topic, and it's called Toddlers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. And this is really key because inappropriate expectations are the root of so many toddler problems. Now, I want to finish up with one last tip, and I'm about to share with you a really powerful way to stop losing it on your kids. You see, a common mistake is reacting instead of responding to problems when you respond with a knee jerk reaction such as yelling, your child may tune you out or he does what's asked right away, but then he carries a grudge or maybe she develops some anxiety and this doesn't help down the road at all either. Plus, you may feel guilty or sad after losing it on your kid. What I'm about to share with you is the first step in a four step strategy I teach inside my online course. But I'm giving you my favorite and the most powerful strategy right now because I don't want to overwhelm you with all of the steps. But with this one strategy, you'll be able to use this today and drastically limit how much yelling is going on in your home. So the next time your toddler misbehaves, the very first thing I want you to do is pause. Do nothing. Literally. Create a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. Now, of course this presumes there's no safety issues that need to be dealt with. Use this space or this moment to let your nervous system calm down. Take some deep breaths. Use your mantra. Whatever helps you calm down is fine. Say something like my kid is just a toddler acting her age. When you feel calm, you're ready to step back into the moment. It's completely normal to get angry, but now when you get upset, take a moment and remind yourself that your toddler isn't misbehaving on purpose. And of course, a quick apology is so helpful. If an apology is needed, keep it simple like I'm sorry for yelling. I felt angry and lost my temper. Next time I'll try taking some deep breaths now if this resonates with you, check out my Toddler Made Easy Course because you deserve a calmer, happier home life and your toddler does too. You can learn more about this best selling course by tapping the link in the show notes. Have a lovely week and happy parenting.