Swearing: What to do When Your Toddler Says the F-word

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, but most importantly, I'm the mother of four amazing adult kids. And then there's our great big golden doodle. Last week I received this email. Hey, Dr. Catherine. My three year old has discovered the F word. Help. We don't swear at home. So I really don't have a clue where she learned this. It all began a few weeks ago. She was all dressed up in her birthday outfit and we're going to her grandmother's for her 71st birthday. Her grandmother opened the door and Elsa screamed, hi Grandma. And then out came the F word. We were all so shocked that we burst out laughing. Somehow the contrast of her looking like a little angel in her party dress and then that word coming out of her mouth. It seemed funny at the time. Now I wish we hadn't responded the way we did because everywhere we go now she's saying, hi, F word. I've tried punishing her, explaining that it's a bad word. I've given her time out and I've taken away the iPad for a day, but nothing is working and I'm really getting afraid to go out with her. Please help from Jillian. Well, Jillian, this sounds really embarrassing. And it also shows you you've got a smart little cookie who's enjoying getting a rise out of you. Kids love to feel powerful, and believe me, you're not alone. Now, before we talk about how to manage this issue, let's look at the bigger picture. Your toddler is still learning about the world and trying to understand how to communicate and how to express herself. Swearing is just one of the ways that she may experiment with language and try at the same time to assert her independence. All kids typically swear at some point, and most likely they don't even understand what they're saying. So the first thing to do here is let's consider the problem from your child's perspective. So why do kids swear? Well, the main reason is a toddler discovers it's powerful and you know, they love their power. So in some ways, your toddler is just looking to get a rise out of you or to get your attention. Other reasons would include they're like little sponges for learning and they Mimic the behaviors and the language of the people around them. If they hear curse words, well, they're going to try them. And toddlers also may use curse words as a way to express strong emotions, especially if this is what they've learned from watching people in the family or siblings or the TV or friends. Most people say the same thing. We don't swear at home, but my kids are swearing, and I don't have a clue where they picked it up. Also, toddlers begin to assert their independence. You know this, we've talked about it a lot, that they just love testing boundaries. And in this case, they test their boundaries by using curse words. They want to see how you're going to react, or they're simply trying to get your attention, but it sure makes them feel powerful when they get a good reaction out of you. Lastly, another reason, it's a bonding thing. If the siblings or peers or you tend to swear, then they may try to be just like you. So what should you do? Let's say it's the first time you're hearing the F word. You could just simply ignore it. Whatever you do, please don't video it. Please don't laugh, if at all possible. Now, if it keeps happening, the first thing I would do is explore it. And by that I mean ask your toddler, has something happened that's upset him or her? What is she trying to say with that word? And here's exactly what I would do. In the moment before you respond, I would pause. That means taking a brief moment to ground yourself so you don't overreact, which is really easy when your kid swears. But it'll only encourage more swearing if your child does get a rise out of you. So take a deep breath and remain calm. And this will help you to respond in a more thoughtful and purposeful way. As always, I'd connect with your child as the very first thing. Otherwise, she's going to just tune you right out. So say something like, wow, you're really upset that your brother grabbed your book. I get it. But it's not okay to use that word. And by acknowledging your toddler's feelings, you help them feel heard and understood. For example, you might also say something like, I can see you're really upset right now. It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to use that word. Then explain there are certain words we don't use. I would avoid calling it a bad word, as that just empowers the word and makes it more appealing. But I explained that it's a word that people use when they're upset, and typically they use it to make somebody else feel bad. Once you've acknowledged your child's feelings, then reshape their language towards more positive and appropriate words. For example, you might say, instead of saying that word, let's find a different word to express how you're feeling. I would suggest at this point you step into your child's world and make this a playful moment. So you could come up with some really funny ways to say I'm sad or mad or whatever motion is relevant. Come up with some really goofy words. Now let's say, okay, you try this, but your toddler keeps swearing despite being asked not to. Well, resist the power struggle in the moment. You can respond in completely silly ways like saying, oh, did I just hear you ask to be tickled? And then you see what you've done is you've transformed a standoff into a moment of fun and connection. Finally, it's important to model appropriate language for your child. I know that's kind of obvious, but toddlers are like little sponges and they learn so much from watching and listening to the adults around them. And they're always listening, even if you think they're not. So make sure you're using positive and respectful language in your interactions with them and with others. Before we finish up, let's take a moment and talk about what you can do proactively to avoid your toddler using swear words because your toddler is really looking for connection. Well, then sprinkle little love messages throughout the day. Do something like whisper in their ear I love you. Or say something like you're so important to me. Also remember we've spoken about special time in the past. That's where you devote five to ten minutes every single day doing an activity with your child and let your child lead you. You do what they want to do. You just be there and sort of narrate and talk about what's happening. But it's a way of spending, you know, what is typically known as quality time together. However, research has really shown that this moment of focused attention improves behavior. Overall, I'm really excited to share my best selling course, Toddlers Made Easy with youh. If you're struggling with tantrums or sleep problems, or not listening or hitting or biting or mealtime issues or any of those other tricky toddler moments, well, this course has everything you need to manage these problems in ways that protect your child's self esteem and strengthen your relationship. The link is in the show notes. If you're interested. Have a great week and happy parenting, Sam.