Tantrums: The Stuff We Never Talk About

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great big golden Doodle. Today we're going to talk about some aspects of tantrums that aren't often discussed. We're going to talk about more routine aspects to responding to tantrums at a later time. Now, before we get started, I was going to share with you my little story that came to mind while I was preparing this week's episode. And as usual, there's no direct connection to today's episode, but I still wanted to share it with you. And this is a story that came to mind because my eldest daughter is about to go back to work after her maternity leave. And it certainly reminded me of my going back after maternity leave. And we're basically at the same time in our careers as when I was pregnant with my daughter. Anyhow, when my youngest was about two months old, I had booked an office and my daughter was sick with croup. And I was really devastated about leaving her, as you can imagine. But she was staying with her dad, who was also a physician. So I felt really comfortable, but I just felt sad. And when I went back to work, I went back very early, but I went back part time. I was really divided between wanting to be there for my patients and also wanting to be there for my children. And I wanted to be there for both of them. So I went back part time, just a few hours each day to begin with, and I walked into the examination room and I remember exactly which patient. I remember what I was wearing that day. But anyhow, she was sharing her problems and her concern about her child, and I was focusing and listening. But then she stopped and she asked me, oh, how's the baby? And I broke out in tears. This is something I don't do. I was so humiliated that I was crying in the office, but I had a good cry and I showed her the pictures of my baby and then we carried on. But it bothered me. I felt so humiliated because I was really conflicted about what it meant to be professional. In my day, being a professional meant you didn't share your personal life or your feelings. You weren't really a person. And the wonderful thing I learned from this situation as we became quite close, this patient and I, over the years was that it was okay to be a person with my patients and that they actually appreciated it and appreciated that I was a mom and a doctor. And I learned a lot from that. Although I still struggle with this on social media. That sort of conflict between how much is oversharing as a professional and what does it mean to be a professional when I don't struggle with what it means to be a mom. Anyhow, that's the story that I wanted to share with you today. And let's get back to Toddlers and Tantrums. So a toddler's brain is so busy that the workload needs to be divvied up. Your toddler's brain is like an active construction zone and it's split into different teams. For the sake of simplicity, we're going to talk about the brain as if there's only two teams. Of course, there's many more teams. Today we're going to talk about Team Logic and Team Emotion. So team logic is the part of the brain that's busy planning and it works on things like math and language, linear thinking and problem solving. It's like the brain's planner. While Team Emotion is all about feelings and actions, it's the creative side of the brain. It's good at art and music and understanding emotions and soaking up body language. It's the brain's artist and empathizer. Well, can you guess what team is typically in charge during a tantrum? Yep, Team Emotion. In adults, the different regions of the brain work together in a balanced manner, allowing for emotional regulation and decision making. But let me ask you something. Have you ever had a day that was so bad you felt like kicking and screaming? Imagine feeling that, but not knowing how to deal with those emotions. Well, that's a toddler's life. Toddlers simply don't have the ability to manage those big, huge feelings or to rationalize situations like an adult. They can't talk themselves down or say to themselves, this isn't worth getting upset over. Your child isn't throwing a tantrum to manipulate you or to frustrate you. They're simply struggling with emotions they can't contain. A tantrum is basically enormous feelings bursting out of a toddler. But here's something you might not realize. Your little one isn't enjoying the emotional storm any more than you are. Think back to a moment when you had a grown up meltdown. We've all had them. Remember that uneasy and sad feeling that comes after? Well, that's the remorse. Sure, there's also the relief after a good cry, but remorse is usually in there somewhere, and the sense of unease is mixed in too well. Guess what? Your toddler is feeling the same way. They're trying to navigate these intense emotions. They don't have a clue how to handle, and they even have less experience managing these feelings and thoughts. So it's important to remember this, especially after a tantrum. And we're going to talk more about that in a few moments. Now, there's a vague pattern to a tantrum that's driven by the stress hormones released. And understanding this pattern can really help you intervene and interact during a tantrum at the most receptive and helpful moments. So during a tantrum, your little one will likely express a mix of anger and sadness, but both of them throughout the tantrum. Early on, anger is going to predominate while sadness takes the spotlight as the tantrum fizzles out. So let's start at the beginning of a tantrum. Typically, a tantrum begins with yelling and screaming. The reasoning part of the brain is basically offline. So don't try and reason or lecture or bribe or interact during this early angry dominant phase. Then comes the middle. And this middle phase can do one of two things. It can just carry on like it is and then go into the last phase and fizzle out. Or with many kids, it intensifies and goes into physical aggressiveness. So some tantrums are all just pure emotional and some are more physical. Now, not every child or every tantrum will include hitting and kicking and throwing things or other explosive behaviors. However, if it does, even though this is going to be hard to believe, but this is normal. It may feel anything but normal, but it is still normal. However, safety is always the priority. Not handling the tantrum well, safety is the priority. When there's a potential for harm to your child or to others, your immediate focus should always be on creating a safe environment. And then comes the end of the tantrum. And during this fizzling out phase, sadness predominates. And that's when you'll notice your child whining and crying and fussing. This is really the time when you can try and offer your child some comfort and reassurance and that may help soothe their complex emotions. Now you know your child best, so don't step in till you feel it's the right time. But this is when the first opportunity presents. So take a moment and look at a tantrum with a big hearted lens. As I teach in my course, thinking about what your child is experiencing will give you the most honest empathy that you need to be able to positively support your child. And I mean support them without scripts or methods. You don't have to think about what you're doing because it will become natural. Let's look at this practically. For instance, let's look at the story that a patient shared with me last week. So this was a story about 3 year old Gordy and he wanted to have dog food for breakfast even though his mom had made some really delicious muffins and scrambled eggs. Well, needless to say, his mom said no, he couldn't have dog food. And without any warning, Gordon threw himself on the floor and was rolling and screaming that he wanted dog food. Now from an adult perspective, this is absolutely ludicrous. Our knee jerk reaction may be to say, Gordy, cut it out, would you? Which will likely intensify the outburst. When we approach a tantrum that way it puts us on a different team than our kid and Gordie feels it and he feels misunderstood and possibly hurt, which makes the tantrum rev up. But when we look at the situation with a big hearted lens, we see a little inexperienced person who wanted something really, really badly and just couldn't contain the disappointment. So a big hearted response at this time would be to acknowledge what Gordie is feeling. You're really disappointed you couldn't get what you wanted for breakfast. I get it, sweetheart. It's really hard when you can't have something you want. Do you see how a tantrum is like a dance? Each partner contributes to the outcome. We don't usually think of tantrums that way. We think of our child as throwing a tantrum, but not the role we play in tantrums. Now this is actually really good news because it means you, your interactions can actually shorten the duration and the intensity of a tantrum. Unfortunately, on the flip side, it also means you can escalate the length and intensity of a tantrum. But let's look at some factors that can prolong a tantrum. And there's no judgment here. We've all lost it. We're all human, we all have stress hormones. But nonetheless, when you're aware of things that can prolong a tantrum, it becomes easier to avoid them. So to begin with, rolling your eyes or sighing, well, it's tempting and it happens because we are human. And like I mentioned, we all have stress hormones that get our systems revved up. But your little one can pick up on that frustration and it just revs up their emotions how about timeouts? Well, this isn't a discussion really about timeouts in general, but in this particular situation, they often leave your child feeling isolated and more worked up rather than calm. What about soothing comforting words? It sounds like a good idea, but guess what? Sometimes they boomerang if they're given at the wrong time. As we spoke about earlier, that beginning and middle of a tantrum, your child's logical part of the brain is offline. And the comforting words, they aren't registering and they can actually aggravate the situation. Well, what about logic and reasoning? Nah, save it for later. Their little brains are on emotional overload right now. How about dangling a favorite toy or a snack as a carrot? Seems like a quick fix, but it usually complicates things. When a tantrum's in full swing, your toddler's logic center is basically offline. And what you're offering isn't really even registering. Okay, so now that you know what might be escalating your child's tantrums, you can approach things in a way that feels more aligned with your big hearted intentions. Adults have a fully functioning calm center in their brain, something your toddler is still working on. So when you keep your cool, you're lending them some of your calm energy. And I'm not kidding, your calm vibe can be the game changer in your toddler's meltdown. By staying chill when your toddler can't, you're sharing the vibe that allows the tantrum to fizzle out. Now, you won't always be able to stay calm because again, you're human, you have stress hormones. So please, please, please don't, don't beat yourself up. But it's something to work towards, and it becomes easier as you realize your impact on meltdowns. So after a tantrum, there's three things we should do. Number one is name the feelings. Number two is set the rules. And number three is find new ways of doing things. So let's look at it practically. When a child throws their book during a tantrum, you could say you got mad because your book was grabbed out of your hands. I get it. That's naming the feelings, and then we set the rules and we hold them. But biting or hitting or throwing, it's not okay ever, even if you're mad. And then finally, the next time you're mad, what could you do differently? And that's where we're trying to find new ways. So I want to give you a few more scripts about what to say after a tantrum. That was really upsetting. We can figure this out together. It's really hard when you don't get what you want. It's okay to cry, sweetheart. Are you ready for a hug? Do you see how those put you on the same team as your child? And they reassure your child, but you still are holding steady boundaries about what works and what isn't. Okay? Now, before we end off for today, I wanted to let you know about an upcoming new feature I'm going to be carrying out. I get so many emails and DMs with questions about how should I handle this or how should I handle that? And so many of them are great questions that I think everyone would benefit from. So I've decided at the end of each podcast that I'm going to answer one of these questions. So if you've got a situation you'd like to discuss or something that's been worrying you, or a problem you're not finding you're making leeway with, please send me a DM at healthiestbaby until next week. Have a lovely week, happy parenting, and we'll talk soon.