The #1 Easiest Hack To Stop Losing It On Your Kids

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Liberty, liberty, liberty. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're going to talk about a highly successful method to help parents stay composed when managing tricky toddler moments. And I've been using this method for decades. Now, before we get into the details of this, let me explain how I came to use this strategy in the first place. It goes back to more than 35 years ago when I was a pediatric resident at Hospital for Sick Children. "What's your differential?" my senior asked me about a freckled 3-year-old boy with unexplained fevers and rashes. A differential is a list of possible conditions based on the symptoms. But I hated being put on the spot and I often froze until I discovered a routine that most of us medical students and residents relied on during our training. And basically this meant relying on acronyms to help keep you on track and to stay focused and think clearly when you're exhausted and stressed. So I ran down the list in my head using the popular acronym vitamin C and D, which we all used. So cardiovascular, infectious, traumatic, autoimmune. And I was able to rhyme off all the essential possible diagnoses despite the fact that I was feeling exhausted and stressed. That night at home when I was already overtired and stressed, I really lost it on my kids when they were totally ignoring me at bedtime. I really felt awful. I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted. And honestly, I was too tired to even think straight and keep my cool. But that's when it hit me. I needed to use an acronym to help me stay calm and focused with my kids, not only in medical situations. And I decided it needed to be a really easy acronym. And that's when I came up with actually what I called the EASY method to handle toddler challenges. Now I used this little strategy, this acronym at home for months with my kids. Before introducing it to the families under my care. Well, I found it a game changer and so did most of the parents, and that's why I want to share it with you today. So let's take a look at the EASY method and how it works in real life. And I'm going to go over first the entire process and then we'll apply it to real parenting situations. So the first step of EASY is E, and that is for evaluate. And what I'm talking about here really is evaluating yourself and your nervous system. And this is where you create what I call a power pause, and that's a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. Here's where, as long as there are no safety issues, you take a moment and allow your nervous system to calm down. So in this power pause, you're going to do a little bit of deep breathing, a mantra, feeling your feet on the ground. Whatever strategy helps you calm down. Now we're looking at short-term fixes just for the moment. So I'm not talking about taking 5 to 10 minutes of deep breaths. I'm talking about taking a few deep breaths, just focusing yourself so you can enter into the situation with calm and confidence. Now, self-care has become a real buzzword and perhaps lost some of the power behind the message. But it's so important, not only for your own mental health, but also for the emotional health of your family. So please think long-term as well and think about your own self-care, which is something we should actually talk about in another episode. It's that important. The A of EASY is to acknowledge feelings, and this is where we're acknowledging your child's feelings, and it is such a powerful little step. That it can in itself shorten a tantrum. When you acknowledge your child's feelings, it shows them that you understand and you care about your child's experience. And again, it's such a powerful way to calm things down. The S of EASY is stick to boundaries. And this is the part most parents find challenging. It's easy to be gentle and kind. It's harder to be firm. And we're going to look at some practical examples of how to do this in a moment. And the why is yes. And that really means this is where we pivot to the yes. This isn't about giving in or being permissive. It's about teaching your kids what they can and can't do. They learn to see the cup as half full instead of half empty with this approach. Now, all very well and good, but let's look at the EASY method in real life. So Lily, a 2-year-old, had started hitting other children at daycare. This behavior usually occurs when she wants a toy that another child is playing with. Well, right now Lily is given a timeout because everyone is just desperate for her to stop hitting, but she tends to come out of the timeout and within minutes hit someone else. Her parents decided to book some time with me to discuss their concerns. I explained the EASY method to them and helped ease their mind that 2-year-olds didn't have the skills to manage their feelings, and also they lack impulse control because of where their brain development is at. So here's how the family and the daycare used the EASY method to manage Lily's hitting. The next day, when Lily hit Joey because he wouldn't share his truck, Brooke, the daycare worker, made sure Joey was okay and said, To Joey, "That hurts when you get hit. I'm sorry Lily hit you." And then she turned her attention to Lily, and Brooke said, "Lily, you wanted to play with the toy. Joey was already playing with it and he didn't want to share. You were angry and you hit Joey." Then Brooke had the hard part to do, the sticking to boundaries, and she said, "It's not okay to hit. Never. It's never okay to hit. I'm going to move you over here." "so no one else gets hurt." And then they moved, and Brooke said, "Lily, you can't have the truck Joey is playing with, but you can play with another truck. Why don't you go pick one out?" Many parents feel they need to punish their child so they learn not to repeat the unwanted behavior, but discipline for a toddler really should focus on teaching, not punishment. Toddlers are immature. They lack skills, and because of their stage of brain development, they also lack impulse control. Punishing a toddler creates a sense of fear and shame, and it doesn't teach the skills a toddler needs to manage situations better next time. Punishing a toddler for hitting is like scolding a flower for not blooming in winter. Just as a flower can't bloom without sunlight, a toddler can't be expected to manage their impulses perfectly without the developmental tools to do so. They need guidance and support to learn, not punishment. So here's the thing. Now you know your child needs help asking for a turn. That's what we learned from this situation. So you can spend lots of time teaching Lily and practicing with Lily about how to ask for a turn. Don't do this at the time of upset, like when Lily is just hit. And you've gone through the easy method, this isn't the time to teach. You want to teach when a child is calm because that's when they can take in the information. Use play to teach your child, incorporate it into their play, practice it over and over. That's the type of discipline a toddler needs. So Brooke said, okay, Lily, the next time you want Joey's truck, say, "Hey Joey, can I have a turn?" And they practiced this with dolls over and over. What role does the Eazy Method play here? It gives you the steps to calmly and positively manage hitting. Lily's hitting disappeared over the following weeks. Why? Well, for a few reasons. Kids love feeling powerful. When we respond to them with a huge reaction, like was happening, The daycare workers and parents both would jump in and say, "No, that's not okay. We don't hit." Well, that kind of a reaction really excited Lily, and it actually gave her a good reason to do it again. Kids love to feel powerful. They love the attention, and that's what the big reaction does. Plus, Lily was also taught an alternative, how to ask for a turn, and now she has a tool to express what she she wants. So do you see how this method not only helps you as a parent, 'cause you've got a system to rely on when you're all revved up, but it also helps your child because you're teaching them and you're acknowledging them and you're helping them feel like you're on the same team. Okay, let's look at another real situation using the EASY method. This is a DM I got from a parent. Our toddler will slap or scratch from time to time. Recently it happened at bedtime and I put him in his crib and said, no, and I left him and gave him a timeout. Is that wrong? Should we give timeouts to a 2-year-old? Here's how I'd use EASY to manage this situation. So let's start with the E, that power pause. So your nervous system has calmed down before you say a word. This is an enormously important step. The A is for acknowledging your child's feelings. So I'd say something like, you're upset it's bedtime. I understand, sweetheart. But then we come to the S, the stick to boundaries. It's really important at this point that you realize kids need to feel like you're in charge. They need you to be the boss. That's what helps them feel safe. And secure. So here's where you'd say something like, we're going to read 2 books tonight and then off to bed. And then you stick to the 2 books and off to bed. Now expect pushback. Kids are wired to push back, so don't get angry. Stay cool and calm and just stick to your boundaries. Now we have just the Y left, the yes. So you can help your child move forward by saying something like, "Why don't you pick out a few books that we'll read in the morning and we can just leave them here so we remember them first thing." Now remember, that's only how you manage things in the moment. At another time when your child is calm and ready for learning, you would say something like, "Remember when we were saying goodnight and you hit mommy? It's okay to be angry. I get it." It's not okay to hit. The next time you're feeling really angry, I want you to take big deep breaths. And then you would teach your child about deep breathing, and you'd practice it over and over and do this when it's not needed so your child is already a pro when it is needed. Now we go into different deep breathing strategies in our program, and we'll go into these strategies on how teach kids to manage their anger in another episode. If you want to become more like the parent you really always wanted to be, check out our courses in the show notes. I'd love to hear how the Eazy Method has helped you, so please send me an email and share your success stories. Have a great week and happy parenting.