The Big-Hearted Way To Prevent Power Struggles - altogether!

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Liberty, liberty, liberty. Hi there, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host, and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, the no-fluff, straight-to-the-point podcast. Today we're going to talk about the best way to deal with power struggles. In my mind, the best way is to avoid them altogether. This morning I was out walking Smudge and I passed a mom with a stroller and two young kids. As I got closer, I saw a little boy in a Superman cape. His arms were crossed and tears were actually streaming down his face. His mom, clearly frustrated, was saying, "It's your fault for not listening to me. Now stop crying. Superman doesn't cry." The boy fired back with a big foot stomp and a big loud "No!" Now, I don't know what sparked this conflict, but mom and the child were locked in a standoff, and I really felt for both of them. The mom was clearly feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, and I felt for the little boy too, who looked very upset and hurt. Now, I'm not sharing this to be judgy whatsoever, but to explore what drives power struggles and how can we prevent them. You know, nobody likes being bossed around, and that includes toddlers. It makes them feel powerless, which is especially tough since toddlers are wired to seek independence. Plus, unrealistic expectations often play a role. If you've been out shopping for hours and your child is having a meltdown, well, it's not really bad behavior, it's unrealistic expectations. It's really easy to fall into power struggles because we want to teach our kids to listen and to show them who's in charge. But power struggles don't accomplish either. Toddlers are stuck in this crazy conundrum. They crave independence, but they still rely on you for so much. It's confusing for them. They're also little natural scientists, and they're testing everything from gravity to boundaries. And when someone disrupts their experiment, they push back. On the flip side, you're an exhausted parent and you're just trying to get through the day. Well, the good news is avoiding power struggles is possible, and I want to give you a few ways that can help prevent power struggles. The first thing is to give your child opportunities to be the boss. Offer age-appropriate ways for your child to take the lead. Let them make age-appropriate choices like, "Do you want to wear the airplane jammies or the elephant jammies tonight?" Or invite them to help you with small tasks. Can you help me set the table? Or maybe more appropriately would be, can you help me put the napkins on the table? Can you toss the salad for me? I'm so busy. It would be so helpful. Feeling a sense of power avoids a toddler's need for resistance. Now, one thing is when you're giving them choices, give two choices, not too many. So choices that help a kid feel a sense of control would be, a simple question like, do you want the red cup or the blue one? Now, this brings me to the next point, which is something we all do. And it's funny because we do it naturally when we're speaking to another adult, but it's something that doesn't work with a toddler. And that's when we ask a question that isn't really a question. Like if we say, are you ready for bed? Well, you don't really mean, are you ready for bed? Or if you do, that's a different scenario, but Most often you're really just saying, "It's bedtime." So when you ask a question, it's an invitation for the tug of war if you really mean it's time to go to bed. And the same thing goes with situations like, "Do you want to go get your brother from school now?" Well, if there's really no choice, it's going to end up in a conflict if your child says, "No, thank you. I don't want to go now." So don't ask a question if it's not a question. Toddlers don't get the subtlety. Yet that takes time. They've only been on the planet for a few years and they don't understand that those questions aren't really a question. They're a statement. The next thing is just one way to avoid a power struggle is to sidestep it altogether. A power struggle can't happen if you don't step into it. So instead of doubling down, change your approach. For example, if your child refuses to get in the car, Instead of saying, get in the car right now, try something playful like, only ninjas can get in the car by the count of 5. Let's see how fast you can do it. This is such an effective way using playfulness to help your kids get unstuck. It's a tool that we don't use enough as parents, and I'd encourage you to use it more. There's nothing wrong with it. Playfulness shifts the dynamic. Fosters cooperation and avoids a fight. And my last point is something that I call giving your kids emotional vitamins. So just like you give them a vitamin every day, if you do, kids need emotional ones every day as well. And that's showing love in ways that resonate with them. So spending a few minutes giving them undivided attention, whispering, I love you, sweetheart, in their ear, sit down, make eye contact and say something really lovely like, I'm so lucky to be your mom. Now, I'm sure you're doing that anyways, but when you become intentional about it, it will happen more consistently. Because there's no doubt, we all know we love our kids, but sometimes we forget to tell them. Now, setting realistic expectations is a huge way to avoid a power struggle. Many power struggles happen because we expect more than toddlers can deliver. Toddlers aren't mini adults. They're still learning to share and manage emotions and control impulses and communicate. Remember this mantra: my toddler is just a kid acting his age or her age. Now I want to share a question I received about a strong-willed, lovely little girl. So, hi, Dr. Cathryn Tobin. We're in a huge power struggle with our 3-year-old Rachel. And I'm feeling so overwhelmed. She doesn't want to do anything we ask. And while your techniques from the Toddlers Made Easy online course have been helping during the day, bedtime is still a nightmare. Rachel insists she's not tired. She refuses to get into bed and she demands to go downstairs. If we try to block the door to keep her in the room, it ends up in tears and screaming and stress for everyone. We've tried different bedtimes: 8 o'clock, 7:45, 7:30, 7:15, but she still won't get into bed. We've even resorted to letting her watch her iPad on the couch until she falls asleep because otherwise it's just hours and hours of screaming and moaning. I know that's not ideal, but we're out of ideas. She's now 3 years plus and bedtime has never been straightforward. But until recently, we could get her into the bed if we lay with her. But even then it would take about 30 minutes and we'd have to give her a firm talk to stop playing and settle down. Now she ignores us completely and refuses to cooperate. During the day, we're also struggling. Everything feels like a battle from our morning demands. I want a snack. I want a drink. No, I want to go downstairs. No, I want to go upstairs. To leaving the house, which can take up to 30 minutes. Because she won't get in the car without a biscuit or the iPad. If we get frustrated and shout, and I know that's not ideal, but we're at our wit's end, she either has an accident on purpose or gets so worked up that she pees on the floor. Ella is strong-willed and I'm not sure what to do next, and I'd love your advice on how to handle these struggles, especially bedtime. Well, thank you for sharing Rachel's story. I know many parents can relate to these challenges. And I want to assure you, this isn't about you doing something wrong or there being anything wrong with little Rachel. She's a strong-willed, persistent, and sensitive little girl, and these qualities are going to serve her really well in life, but they can make parenting at this time more challenging in the moment. Instead of randomly trying different times to put Rachel to bed, I'd like you to observe her for a few days and watch for the early signs of fatigue, like the redness under her eyes, the first yawn, a change in her play, getting more tantrum-y. Jot down when these signs show up and use this time to start her bedtime routine. It's possible she's getting overtired, which makes it much harder for her to settle down and go to bed. The next thing is to simplify the routine. Move any of those activities that create conflict, like bath time or reading books, Move them to earlier in the day, and this will keep her bedtime calm and focused. Change the bedroom vibe. Really, I'm going to suggest you spend time during the day in Rachel's room playing, reading, just doing nice things. And this helps her see her bedroom as a comforting, happy place instead of just the place she goes to have a fight about bedtime. And then comes the new bedtime routine. Once you've figured out her sleep window, keep the bedtime routine simple. For example, go to the bathroom and brush the teeth or wash her face and hands, whatever you do as your bedtime routine. Then go into the bedroom for snuggles, a song, the goodnight kisses. I'd also ask Rachel what she'd like in this routine because it gives her some ownership, which can help her cooperate. Work on keeping her in bed in this way. Since staying in bed is so tough for Rachel, we're going to start with a hands-on approach. Tell her you'll rub her back as long as she stays in bed. Sit beside her in a chair next to the bed and do this for the first few nights. Just keep rubbing her back as long as she stays in bed. Once she's used to staying in bed, start moving the chair little by little towards the door. So sit close to the bed at first. They gradually shift toward the door every few nights. These changes will be slow, and that's okay. It might take weeks to get out of the room entirely. But remember, Rachel is a strong-willed little person, and these steps are tailored for her unique needs. They may feel slow, but these small wins will add up over time. Now, power struggles are super frustrating, but they're not inevitable. You now have the tools to calmly avoid them as best you can. In our course, Toddlers Made Easy, we focus on big-hearted ways to avoid some of these tricky toddler moments as well as how to manage them. And when we manage them, we use ways that protect a child's self-esteem. Now, if you're interested, you'll find the links in the show notes. Managing power struggles is hard, and I really applaud you for rising above your knee-jerk reaction. This is really hard, but I know you can do it because one thing I've learned as a pediatrician of 35 years is that parents can do hard things. So keep up the good work. You're amazing. And I'll see you next week.