The Excitable Child, and How To Dial Down Their Energy Without Discouraging Their Joy

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Liberty! It's more like he's saying, "I don't know what to do with all of my energy." Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician and mom of 4. Today we're going to be talking about excitable kids, and we're going to hear from a lovely mom from Florida who sent me this question: My 2-year-old son Sam is super affectionate and loving. Yet he's still very aggressive when playing with other kids and with us. He has a tendency to literally wrestle another child to the ground when he's giving a hug. He also has a kicking and hitting issue, but it's not out of anger. It's more like he's saying, "I don't know what to do with all of my energy." He's not behaving like this out of frustration or jealousy. He's lovely and he's sweet, but he's full of so much energy and he just gets so excited. He comes on way too strong and we're afraid he's going to accidentally hurt another child. It's so frustrating for his dad and I. We don't know how to discipline him because we'll pull him away from his friends and give him a little talk and we'll validate his feelings and he literally goes right back and does the same thing all over again. We believe in gentle parenting, but we've also tried timeouts and punishments and lectures. Please help. We really don't know what to do. Well, thank you for your question about your sweet little guy. Here's a few quick thoughts. It sounds like Sam is an excitable child, not an aggressive one, and the challenges you're having are partly developmental, and they're also related to Sam's temperament or his nature. Some kids are just naturally more, more intense, more passionate, and more emotional. They don't understand that they're doing anything wrong. Now, from a developmental perspective, At this age, most kids are speaking 2- to 4-word sentences. They're showing defiance as part of their desire for independence. They're playing make-believe, following 2-step directions. 2-year-olds have no filter and often say embarrassing things. They're starting to give great big bear hugs. They love playing next to another child. And here's a really important point for this particular situation: 2-year-olds have limited self-control. So Sam isn't aggressive or overly enthusiastic on purpose, he just hasn't developed the ability to stop himself from doing these crazy things. He doesn't have the brain connections needed to say to himself, "I better not do that," or "Hey, I wonder if this is too much." Many 2-year-olds are super energetic, persistent, and passionate. Sam likely feels things intensely. Kids that are super passionate have a huge emotional range and they can go from 0 to 100 in a heartbeat. A passionate child is typically hugely enthusiastic and has a big exuberant personality, which can be both good and challenging. One good part, and there are many, is this delightful excitement and enthusiasm about discovering their world. But the oversized enthusiasm can also be problematic. Very excitable kids can't dial down their energy, so hugs and other physical interactions can be too much, and often another child just doesn't understand this big huge bear hug and begins to fight back, and a hug then becomes a battle. So let's look at some ways we can rein in an excitable child's energy without squashing that wonderful personality and enthusiasm. First of all, realistic expectations are key, not just from a developmental perspective, but also just meeting your child where he's at. It's not a problem of not listening, and it's not because your child's spoiled. Sam's nature, or in other words, his temperament, is excitable. So we need to be asking a different question. Instead of thinking, how can we stop Sam from being so darn over the top, we need to think about, given that Sam is a spirited child, how can we help him dial things down? Now, to answer this question, let's look at the types of activities you can do day to day that helps an excitable child learn to regulate their energy so they don't overwhelm others. And children, they learn so well through play, so let's start off by using some games to help Sam, in this situation, practice regulating his energy. Children learn through play, so let's use some games to help Sam practice regulating his energy. Games like red light, green light, Simon Says, or dance freeze, these are ways where a child is going to become more aware of his body, without lectures. So playing these games frequently is a good way to teach him how to stop and start his energy. Also, allow activities that match Sam's high-energy nature, like banging pots, throwing balls, and building towers, but also incorporate quiet time and low-key activities that encourage calmness. Now, if you've taken my Toddlers Made Easy online course, you already know how much I like deep breathing exercises for kids. Toddlers have difficulty controlling their emotions, so we need to give them some tools to help them dial things down. Now, you can de-escalate or entirely sidestep tricky moments using deep breathing because it helps kids navigate their intense feelings. So teach your child how to use deep breathing and give it a cute name. In our family, we call deep breathing magic breathing. And if you're not sure how to do this, listen to the recent episode, Overcoming Bedtime Fears, and you'll learn how to teach your kids deep breathing there. Remember to practice deep breathing with your child at calm moments when nothing is going on, and then encourage your child to use it when you see him or her getting revved up. And it's best to use deep breathing at the very first sign of trouble, just like it's easier to put out a small fire than a big one. Another strategy to help your child calm down when you see them getting worked up is to teach your child a mantra. In our family, we use the mantra, "Mommy loves me, Daddy loves me, Vicki loves me, Deborah loves me," and we just went through the names of all the various family members, including the dog. But mantras help kids by empowering them, but it also gives them a tool so that they have something to do when they're getting worked up. I'd also use play to practice hugging. Show your child how bear hugs can be confusing when they're too big. Model hugging. Show your child how to give a nice hug that feels good. Also, prep your child. Show your child how you want them to hug their friends when they see them, and then practice it. Let them know ahead of time what will happen if they hug too hard or kick or hit. Don't think about how you'll punish them, but instead think about consequences that will teach them. So for instance, if your child hugs his friend and they end up wrestling, but not in a playful way, a logical consequence would be to move your child to another area to play. There's no second chances. But again, always begin with, "I can see that you're really happy to see your friend, but it's not okay when it starts to become a fight." "I'm just going to move you over here to play." Be empathetic, but hold your limits. Let's focus in a little bit more on what to do in the moment. First of all, safety is always the priority. Some toddlers need to be shadowed so you can intervene before a problem occurs, and by that I mean you have to always be close by to them. When you sense trouble brewing, say something like, "Oh, you're really excited to play with Jack. That's wonderful." "but it's not okay to squeeze him so hard that it hurts. I'm just going to move you over here where you can play. Let's build a tower. Do you want the red block or the blue one?" So you're recognizing his feelings but still holding the boundaries. Then at another time when your child is calm, use the moment for a redo. Replay the situation and teach your child how to manage things differently, better. Now, although we're focusing on the problems of an excitable child, don't forget to talk about the positive side of your child's enthusiasm. The energy, the curiosity. And one more strategy that was really helpful with my kids was we had a cue, which meant dial it down. So I would tap my head. They chose that cue, that I would tap my head when I wanted them to bring things down a bit, and that would have them giggling, and that in itself brought things down a bit. Now you could tap your nose, tug an ear, let your child choose what works for them, and this becomes just a gentle nudge, which can replace nagging. And lastly, create a safe place in your house where your child can play without endless correction and redirection, and that helps get some of that crazy energy out. So let's put it all together. When a child is super excitable like little Sam, it's important to realize that he's not misbehaving or trying to drive you crazy. He's just naturally passionate. He doesn't need to be punished. He needs to be taught, given direction, and close supervision. Use games and play to help him learn to control his body and dial things down. Always validate the feelings and hold your boundaries, even when your child pushes back, which he will. And by the way, if you feel like you're the only one with an excitable, spirited child, let me reassure you, you're not alone. One last thing before we go. If you're looking for some solid parenting advice from a pediatrician with decades of experience and 4 kids of her own, Take a look at our online course with the same name as the podcast. It's the Toddlers Made Easy online course, and you can learn more about this in the show notes. Have a wonderful week, and we'll talk again soon.