The Loving Yet Firm Way of Saying No

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great big golden doodle. Welcome back. Today we're going to be talking about a parenting tool, specifically about setting boundaries the big hearted way. Remember, being big hearted isn't about letting everything slide. It's about seeing your child as the wonderful little person who's just having a tough moment and needs your help. Now, I'm going to share a story that many of us can relate to. So picture this. You're at the store and your three year old Jackie is having a meltdown because she wants a Snickers bar. She's not just upset, she's making a big scene. Now, in the last episode we discussed how kids emotions and behaviors are linked. And if we only focus on their feelings and avoid setting limits, we miss giving them the safety net of knowing we're in control. A nice way to explain this is with this scenario. Picture this. You're on a boat in really rough waters. Now if the captain said to you, I know you're scared. I've been scared lots of times in my life too. I know exactly what you're feeling. Well, you'd probably still be worried, right? You might even be more worried about their ability to handle the situation. Now instead, picture this. The captain sang, it's normal to feel scared in choppy waters, but I've navigated this many times before and I'll get us back to shore safely. It might be a little bumpy, but everything's under control and we'll be back on land in about 20 minutes. Do you see how hearing this you'd probably feel more reassured and you trust that you're in capable hands? Well, the same principle is true for your kids. They need us to be the strong but kind family leader. So yes, while that is true, setting boundaries can truly be tricky, especially for moms. Many parents tell me that they start off calmly at first, but then they end up exploding. And I call this the com. Com. Explode cycle. And the truth of the matter is we need to stay calm, connect with their feelings, and then communicate our expectations clearly. We're going to talk a little bit more about this calm explode cycle in a moment. Remember, a toddler's misbehavior. It isn't designed to drive you crazy. Their brains are still learning the rules they need to learn and we can help guide them with kindness and firmness as their brain matures. Our job is setting boundaries. Our child's job is testing those boundaries. This testing is not a cue for you to give up, but it's a sign to hold firmly, offering guidance and autonomy where safe. When your child tests your limits, he's doing exactly what he's meant to do. Now, I like to come up with systems that make it easy to stay calm when you're feeling all agitated and frustrated. So let's consider what I call the calm, connect and communicate method. So the first step is calm and well, this is about how to calm ourselves. That's the best way you can help your child calm down is by sharing your calm. So in this situation, do whatever it takes to help you calm down. Perhaps it's deep breathing or saying a mantra or feeling your feet on the ground or, or turning on some music or counting to 10. But I would decide this beforehand and practice it so when you need it, you can use it. The next step is to connect. And that's what last episode was about. About how to help soothe bad feelings to make room for good ones. And you do this by understanding your child's perspective. As we discussed earlier, we talked about how to validate your child's feelings so that they feel seen and understood and that they know they matter. But today we're focusing on the last part of this equation, the communicate part. So guiding your toddler with a big hearted perspective is how we stay firm but kind. Now let me explain. You see, when you realize your toddler is doing his best and he's not misbehaving to drive you crazy, it's just that his brain is still developing, especially in those emotional control areas. When you have this interpretation of events, it's much easier not to get worked up in the first place. And that's the goal here. It's not a matter of calming ourselves down, but in having a perspective, a generous perspective, or what I call a big hearted perspective that allows us to see the innocence of a child's misbehavior. Plus, it helps to understand that toddlers are learning the rules through trial and error and they don't always remember the rules. And even if they do remember the rules, they don't know what applies to every situation. So there's a lot of trial and error as children learn what exactly are the rules and what's expected of them. Let's start with an example. So Patty is a lively four year old and she throws her yellow cup and spills juice everywhere. She's now on the floor and she's crying and crying for the blue cup and she's just screaming blue cup, blue cup. Over and over even though she just asked for the yellow one earlier. Well, her mom, she's feeling a mixture of anger and frustration. And I'm sure it's really easy for all of us to empathize because Patti had already had about five tantrums this morning and it wasn't even nine o' clock yet. So the mom has practiced this and she calms herself down. And then she tells Patty, I see you're upset about the yellow cup. That's okay. But then she also adds, it's okay to feel mad, but throwing your cup is not okay. Let's clean up this mess together. Come on over here and give me a hand. So Patty's mom is showing her a few that her love is constant even when Patty misbehaves, that throwing things is not a good way to express feelings and that mum can handle her big emotions, all the feelings. And lastly, on a practical note, that it's important to clean up after a mess. And just like I say in my toddler course, having realistic expectations makes life so much less stressful and easier, especially when it comes to toddlers. Now, let's say you just told your 2 year old to stop climbing on the counter and you say, I know you're frustrated that I won't let you climb on the counter, but you can climb over here instead. And then you lift your toddler down and move him over to the cushion tower that you built. Two seconds later, he's pulling over a chair and trying to climb on the counter again. Now, although it's frustrating and triggering and exhausting, staying calm teaches your child how to manage these big feelings. I don't want to pretend for a second this is easy. It is not. And you won't always stay calm and that's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Of course, apologize, but it's unrealistic to expect to be able to do this all the time. Sometimes you just need to get going somewhere and there's not this time to talk about feelings and give your child a chance and see things from his perspective and give choices. I really want to encourage you not to beat yourself up when you don't carry these steps out 100%. But here's a curious fact that I wanted to Share with you. When we aren't providing enough secure boundaries, a toddler may keep pushing the limits as a way of saying, help, I need some limits. I don't feel safe. This always seems counterintuitive, but it makes sense when you think about it because your child is looking for a sense of safety and that's what limits provide. So let's look at a few reasons why you might find it hard to set boundaries. The one that I can really relate to, and to be honest with you, I struggle with this, is wanting to make our kids happy. That's a big reason that parents give in is simply they want their kids to love them and to be happy. Now you may reason to yourself, well, why shouldn't I just give them the blue cup? We all have the right to change our mind. Or why not give apple pie for breakfast? It's good to be adventurous. Or how about why not stay up another half hour even though I know you're going to fight me when the extra time is up? Well, let's face it, while we want to make our kids happy, they also need those boundaries to feel safe. Another reason, and a very common one, is you're so tired and drained that it's easier just to give in. Many parents I see in my office feel that their kids are running the show and they just don't know how to flip things around because honestly, it does take enormous energy to be calm and and patient when you're feeling flustered. Many of us are people pleasers and so upsetting our kids can really feel wrong and confusing. You may find yourself flip flopping between being firm and giving in, which then results in a lot of confusion and guilt and can really complicate things. Realistically, setting a boundary is the easy part. It's holding the boundary that's really hard. Okay, so if you're thinking, okay, great, but let's get real. How do we get our kids to do or not do things? Well, let's look for a moment why? From the toddler's perspective, they fight with boundaries. And first of all, no one likes to be ordered around and toddlers are exactly the same way and they hear no so many times a day. The next thing is toddlers are craving independence and they want to do things themselves. So let's circle back to Jackie and that snicker bar. After her mom acknowledges how hard it is to want something and not get it, she clearly tells Jackie that she'll not buy her the chocolate bar today. But she's desperate for the scene to end as everyone is looking at her. So she adds a creative touch and says, imagine you could eat chocolate bars for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Which ones would you choose? Show me. And in this situation, this works because the tantrum is already winding down. And also it taps into Jackie's playful side. Play is such a powerful way to solve problems with kids. But again, let's be realistic. There are times you are not going to feel like being playful, especially when you're super frustrated. And that's okay. Just know that it's in your toolbox. The next way to set boundaries and hold them and keep them is is from giving choices. And again, you hear this all the time and you know that it's an effective way of helping kids feel some sense of power. But remember, if your child's really tired, sometimes decision making can be a struggle and it won't help. And lastly, let your kids share in the solutions. Say something like, hey, we've got a problem. You want a chocolate bar but mommy doesn't want to buy it right now because there's lots of yummy treats at home. How should we solve this problem? When kids are asked to participate in problem solving, they own the solution and are much more likely to accept it. Now, I haven't even touched on the importance of self care. You need some reserve to manage these tough moments with composure. So please don't put your needs on the back burner as it's the most powerful way to manage things calmly. Well, that's just one of the reasons why it's important. Just think about how much easier it is to deal with challenges when you're feeling happy and rested. So self care is probably the most powerful way for you to be able to hold your boundaries kindly. Now, if you have children between one and six years and you'd like more support about how to handle all these tricky moments. If my big hearted but firm approach resonates with you, then I've put together two courses to help you manage challenging moments with composure and in a way that you can feel proud of yourself. If you're interested, there's more details about the courses in the show notes. Have a wonderful week and we'll talk soon.