The Problem With Punishments, And What To Do Instead

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big Goldendoodle Many people believe that their kids will be spoiled if they don't use punishment to discipline them. For instance, are you nervous your toddler will grow up and be rude and entitled if you don't send her to her room or yell at her when she grabs a toy from the baby? Do you fight with your partner if your 4 year old ignores you when you yell? Dinner time. Your partner thinks your little guy should be sent to his room and do without dinner to teach him a lesson because life is tough and he's got to learn. But you see things differently and you assume it's hard to drop what you're doing and come running the instant you're called. But let me ask you something. I want you to close your eyes for a moment and just imagine this. You and your significant other just had a heated disagreement and he tells you, go sit in another room by yourself until you calm down. Now think about it. Would you really emerge from the room saying, you know what, you're completely right, I need to change? I don't think so. In fact, it's more likely that you'd feel even more resentful when you step out of the room and you'd feel bitterness and anger brewing inside. Would this really help strengthen your relationship and inspire you to turn to your partner for support? I don't think so. And the same thing goes for kids. So today we're going to be talking about how fear based punishment is not needed to raise kind, considerate, respectful kids. Most of us parent the way our parents did, so you've likely been raised with timeout lectures and threats and warnings like we're going to turn this car around if you don't stop fighting or you won't get any dessert if you don't put your shoes on right this minute. You've likely been told that you grew up just fine with timeouts and yelling and warnings. And maybe you've been warned that without firm punishment, your kids are going to be spoiled or entitled or rude so if these are things you've been struggling with or thinking about, you're going to find this episode very helpful because we're going to do a deep dive into the problem with punishments and what to do instead. So let's start off with the Trouble with Punishment. Now before we dig in though, I just want to acknowledge for a moment parenting is hard. It's hard because it's hard. So please be kind to yourself. As we're all learning, it's natural to make mistakes along the way. But the key is to learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. And of course, apologize when needed. So let's start off by considering the problems with punishment. One of my biggest concerns with punishing a toddler has to do with self esteem. When we punish a little one, they'll often end up feeling bad about themselves, which can hurt their self confidence down the road. Punishing a toddler can create fear and trust problems, and being sent to your room and sitting in a room all alone, it really doesn't inspire better behavior. If it did, timeouts wouldn't be needed down the road. Timeouts or yelling or threats, they tend to cause kids to feel angry and to carry a grudge. And the same thing goes with taking away privileges. A toddler will often come out of the room after a timeout and do the exact same thing that landed them there in the first place. Let me share a little scenario with you that one of my patients shared with me in the office last week. This is about three and a half year old Jake and he was playing in the kitchen while his parents were cooking dinner. They told Jake, don't touch the dog's food. But Jake didn't listen. He reached for the bowl and he started hiding his lego in the kibble. His parents saw what he was doing and they sent him to his room. Go think about why you played with the dog's food after you were told not to touch it. So he went to his room, but he certainly didn't think about why he ignored his parents request or or how to do things differently next time. The moment Jake came out of the room he went straight back to messing with the dog's food, which ended up with why did you do that? And he was sent right back to his room and this time for a longer period. The problem is toddlers often don't fully grasp the whole cause and effect thing between their actions and the timeout or punishment. So it's important to remember they're still learning so it's not always easy for them to change their behavior based on a punishment. Toddlers are still figuring out their feelings as well. And we want them to grow up emotionally strong. So it's crucial that we support them through these tough moments instead of send them away from us. When we send a child to his room to think about what they've done or what he's done, we teach our kids that we only want to be with them when they behave nicely. And this, believe me, does not strengthen our relationship or encourage a child to turn to us when they're struggling. Now, if we use punishment, especially physical ones, our kiddos might think aggression is okay for solving problems or showing emotions. We want to model kindness and gentleness instead so they learn better ways to handle situations. Let me give you an example. If you hit your toddler's hand when he touches something he's been told not to touch, well, hitting becomes a way for them to solve problems. And another problem with punishment is that it doesn't really teach a child good behavior. The punishment becomes the focus instead of the behavior you're wanting to change. Also, punishment doesn't equip a child with the emotional tools they need to manage problems in better ways down the road. Punishment makes kids angry and fearful and even sneaky. Punishment doesn't teach kids how to be a better human being or to increase their self control. Fear really isn't a good teacher. And kids tend to shut down instead of listening to their parents when they're afraid. In fact, research has shown that fear is not a good teacher. And when kids are punished with fear based methods, it elicits that fight or flight response. And then their learning centers in the brain basically shut down. So punishment and fear based methods, well, they may look like they work in the short term because kids will often do what's asked of them to make the discomfort go away. But the problems continue because kids aren't really learning more acceptable behavior and they're stuffing all those bad feelings down that leave them feeling hurt and rejected and resentful and confused. And those feelings may lead to depression and anxiety down the road. Now also, you may not feel great about yourself after punishing your kids. I'm a great believer that if the method you're using doesn't really feel right, doesn't feel good, listen to this message. It's unlikely you'll feel like the parent you really want to be when you rely on fear based parenting methods. Now, I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. In fact, I'm guessing most of you don't rely on Punishments anyways. But this brings us to the question of how can we raise kids to be good and kind and cooperative and resilient little humans without relying on punishment based methods. So first we need to understand toddlers from a developmental perspective. And I'm going to sum this all up with one Toddlers want to behave, they just don't know how yet. So I encourage you to remember this mantra. My kid is just a toddler acting his age. Discipline should focus on teaching your child, not punishing them. Learning to handle problems by staying on the same team means that parent and child work together. This gets you into collaboration mode rather than power struggle mode. An empathetic and nurturing approach to parenting. It doesn't lead to being spoiled or entitled. Think of yourself as a friendly tour guide. You stay on the sidelines and you offer direction and encouragement and information because you want to make sure your kid gets the most out of every situation. By setting and holding clear boundaries, offering guidance, giving do overs and providing consistent expectations, parents create an environment where children can learn the importance of family and cooperation and self discipline, respect and kids grow up liking themselves. Now let's get really practical here. In my Toddler Made Easy online course, I use the acronym EASY to help parents positively manage anything thrown their way. And I want to share this with you here as it's a really powerful way to help you move out of punishment mode. So the first letter of EASY is obviously E and this stands for evaluate. So I want you to pause before saying a word if safety isn't an issue and use this moment to check in with yourself. Are you all revved up? If so, take a few deep breaths, use a mantra or do whatever works to calm yourself down before saying a word. The next step is A for acknowledge. You help your child to feel seen and heard and valued when you acknowledge their feelings. And it's very simple. It's one sentence. You're sad. You have to stop playing with the Lego and go to bed. I know sweetheart, it's hard to do. I guess that was a few sentences, but you get the point. That is such an important step because your child ends up feeling heard, they feel appreciated and then they're ready to hear what you've got to say. But this is where the next step, the S, which is for stick to boundaries. This is the hardest part because your toddler is likely going to push back or cry. Here's where you would say something like it's not okay to hit. So I'm just going to move you over here. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Now your child may cry and your child may complain, but this is where you need to be tough and hang in. Because this is what's best for your child is to learn their limits and what works, what's effective and what doesn't work in other wor. They're learning good from bad, but this next step helps them also. And that's the why of easy. And why is about moving on to the yes. And that means you find something your child can do. For instance, you can't hit, but you can go outside and throw a ball. This step is really important because it helps children develop optimism. While I can't do one thing, there are other things I can do. Then later, when everyone is calm, then comes the teaching moment. You can give your child a do over, teach them through play, have a quick chat, or just teach your child other strategies to manage problems or frustration. For instance, you could teach your child to ask, can I have a turn? When they want to play with something another child is playing with. This isn't permissive parenting. Being emotionally supportive and nurturing doesn't make you permissive. You don't avoid limits. You don't ignore bad behavior. You don't give in when your child pushes back. In fact, you learn to set and hold limits with kindness and firmness. You can become the cool, confident family leader. Now. If you're struggling with tricky toddler moments and this approach resonates with you and your parenting goals, check out our online courses Toddler Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. You'll find the links in the show notes. Our courses are designed to make parenting easier. Thank you for listening. I hope you found this helpful. Have a great week and happy parenting.