The Secret To Shorter, Fewer, and Less Intense Tantrums

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Welcome back to Toddlers Made Easy, the no-fluff podcast for busy parents who don't have the time to scroll for answers while a toddler's climbing the bookshelf. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician just recently retired. Mom of 4, and here to help make this stage feel a lot less overwhelming. So let's get going. Today we're going to talk about the secret to shorter, fewer, and less intense tantrums. Sounds good, right? Well, I've seen tantrums in hospital hallways, grocery stores, and my own living room. In fact, 30 years ago, I was doing my weekend rounds at my local hospital and my 3.5-year-old daughter came with me as my kids often did. Right outside a patient's room, my little girl threw herself on the floor and started screaming because she wanted a stuffed animal that little girl, newly diagnosed with diabetes, had in her crib. Doctors, nurses, families, everyone I worked with daily watched my little daughter roll around having a complete meltdown in the pediatric ward. Well, I just wanted to disappear. Today we're talking about how to handle a situation like that and why do they happen. So let's start with a quick version of brain science, toddler brain science. Your toddler's brain works in two parts, basically. I'm simplifying things. There's emotional and logical sides. During a tantrum, the emotional side hijacks everything. No big surprise there, right? The logical part that helps adults think things like, oh, this isn't worth freaking out over. It simply isn't online yet, and this means your child literally cannot think their way out of big feelings. They're not being manipulative, defiant, or testing you. Their brain development just isn't there. So what triggers tantrums? Understanding what sets off tantrums helps you spot them coming, and often, not always, you can head them off. Last week, a mom told me about her 2-year-old's meltdown at Target. The child spotted a toy truck in the cart ahead of them, and when they passed the toy aisle without stopping, he started screaming, truck, truck, and he threw himself backward in the cart so hard the mom thought the little guy might flip it over. Well, 20 minutes of crying in the parking lot followed. Another parent described her daughter's reaction to leaving a playdate. This little girl had been having so much fun, and when it was time to go, the The moment she heard 5 more minutes, she started wailing and she crawled under the play table and refused to come out. Of course, all the other parents were watching while she tried to extract a screaming child from someone else's house. Both of these stories show the most common triggers in action: frustration, when a child can't do something or can't have something; physical needs, these are very common reasons for tantrums. When your child's hungry or tired and also overwhelmed. Transitions and changes are a good trigger, as is overstimulation, like at that birthday party. Have you ever noticed how birthday parties turn into tantrum zones? Too much input, too many people, changes to disrupted routines. So let's look at the PREP method, which is a way to help your child have fewer tantrums. In other words, to avoid it altogether. And this is really about prepping your child. So I've broken it down. PREP stands for preview, rehearse, engage, practice. And now let's look at each of these. Preview is about telling your child what's coming in detail. We're going to the store. You'll sit in the cart. We need milk and bread. When we're done, we'll go home for lunch. You might see toys you want, but we're not buying toys today. That might be a little frustrating, but I know you can handle it. So in the preview, you're going to tell them not just what's going to happen, but how they may feel about it. Then you can rehearse, repeat the plan as you get closer to the store or closer to the event. Engage your child by having them tell you the plan back. What do you think happens after we get milk? And lastly is practice. This is for big events, not just like a trip to the store, but for practice, you would use pretend play for some of those really tricky situations, like going to the dentist or going to the doctor. And you can let them play both roles. You, they can be the parent or the kid. Other tantrum reducers are prioritizing sleep. Tired kids equal more meltdowns. Offering two good choices helps prevent tantrums. Let your kids do things independently when possible. Let's look at how to get shorter tantrums. So we just discussed how to get fewer, now shorter. So I watched a dad at the airport handle this situation so beautifully, and I wanted to share it with you. His 4-year-old lost it when a flight delay was announced. That's exactly how I feel when they're announced. However, my logic center is online. The child was screaming about wanting to go on the airplane now, and the dad didn't try and reason with him or distract him. He just sat nearby and occasionally said something like, I know, buddy, while the child raged. After a few minutes, when the screaming turned into sobbing, Then this dad shuffled a little closer and offered a hug, and the child basically melted into him and it was over. So you see, tantrums actually follow a pattern. First comes anger, then comes sadness. If you jump in during that angry phase, with some kids you'll make the tantrum last longer. So you wanna wait for that anger peak to subside, and then as things are fizzling out, offer the comfort. During the peak, stay calm and be present if you can. You don't need to talk very much. You can make some comforting noises, but this is where sharing your calm helps your child feel calm, that they basically share your ability to regulate. So your calm presence communicates that big feelings are manageable and you're not going anywhere. Let's move on now to easier tantrums. So we've talked about fewer, we've talked about shorter, and now we want easier. A mom contacted me last month about a situation that really upset her. Her 3-year-old had a meltdown at Costco because she wouldn't buy him a jumbo-sized box of cookies. He threw himself on that concrete floor and screamed for, she said, about 15 minutes and everyone around them was looking. She felt like she was failing as a parent and kept asking herself, what am I doing wrong? Well, the answer is nothing really. She was dealing with a toddler who was acting his age. I'm going to encourage you to stop seeing tantrums as misbehavior. They're not. They're communication. Your child is telling you they're overwhelmed. They don't know how to handle it. Your job isn't to stop the tantrums or to fix it immediately. Your job is really just to stay regulated and help them through it. Remember, they're not giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time. And while that phrase is grossly overused, it's such an important message that I have to repeat it. They're not giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time. Tantrums are actually exhausting for kids too. They often feel confused and worried that you're going to be angry afterwards. So the bottom line is this: tantrums are developmental. They're normal. They're healthy. They're how toddlers process big feelings with an immature nervous system. The calmer you stay, the faster they'll learn to regulate themselves. And I'm not suggesting that's easy to do whatsoever, and there will be times where you do it great and times when you don't. Please don't be hard on yourself because guess what? You are human too. So there are basically 3 key things I'm going to ask you to try and remember. Prevention works better than management. So that means prepping your kids, bringing a snack if you're going to be out for a long time. Don't go on long trips without your child having napped first. Just anything you can do to prevent a tantrum is going to be easier to handle than dealing with that tantrum. Your calm response shortens the duration of a tantrum and accepting tantrums as normal makes them easier to handle. And do you know why? Because how we look at a problem shapes how we respond to it. So let's say you think of a tantrum as misbehavior. Well, you're going to handle it differently and you're going to feel differently about it. But if you think of it as normal and healthy than just a stage we need to get through until our child develops the words to express their feelings, well, you're going to be able to stay calmer through the tantrum. And that's it. There's no magic formulas, just understanding about brain development and responding accordingly. Parenting is hard, and it's the most important job there is, but you don't have to do it alone. That's where the Big Hearted School of Parenting comes in. It's the only membership just for parents of young kids. You'll find real-life tools, expert guidance, and a community that truly gets it. Plus, there's Dr. Cathryn Tobin Chatbot where you can get 24/7 advice. Loving your child is natural, but parenting them is a skill, and we're here to help. Thank you for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week. Wait.