Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why toddlers around 3 or 4 tell untrue stories: they're mixing fantasy with reality, not deliberately lying. When your kid blames the dog or claims they washed their hands, empathize, reframe it as wishful thinking, model honesty, and praise them when they tell the truth. Avoid shame.
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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge, my great big golden doodle. Welcome back to another episode of Toddlers Made Easy. This is the place where we make sense of all those crazy, awesome, and sometimes really weird things toddlers do. Today we're going to chat about those times when your little one's stories don't exactly match up with reality. Some might call it lying, but we're going to dig a little deeper than that. Now, lies in general sneak in around the age of three and often edging a little closer to four. The younger the toddler typically, the crazier the fib. Now, when a toddler lies, it's important to remember it's not a personal attack or a sign of a bad kid. It's just a typical twist in a toddler's developmental journey. Don't take it to heart. It's simply part of growing up. So picture this. Your three year old Mark comes running into the kitchen screaming, mom, Mom. It was Smudge. He took Jenna's doll, not me. I didn't take it well, you know, Smudges, the family dog, is upstairs napping quietly. So let's start off by looking at why do toddlers lie? First of all, with a toddler, fantasy versus reality gets a little blurred. Toddlers live in this unique world where what's real and what's make believe often blur together. So when they tell tall tales, it's not about them trying to fool you. It's just their big imagination at work. Now, wishful thinking also plays an important role in lying. Toddlers will often want something so badly that reality versus wishful thinking gets confused. For instance, a little guy might say, daddy said I could have birthday cake for breakfast. Well, dad never said that whatsoever. Another reason kids lie is because they may be too young to really know that it is right to tell the truth and wrong to lie. This is something they learn with time. And lastly, the reason younger kids lie versus older kids are often different. And older kids will often lie to avoid a problem. So let's look at a few ways of responding to lies that will help you encourage honesty down the road and spare your child's self esteem. Right. Now remember, we're talking about toddlers here, how you would handle things for an older child would be different. So first off, remembering the innocence behind a toddler's lie is crucial because when you see things differently, you feel them differently. And by feeling them differently, it allows you to respond in more compassionate, understanding ways that encourage your child to tell the truth down the road and protects their self esteem and also fosters a stronger connection with you. So let's get back to Mark and Jenna and the Big Lie and consider how to respond in positive and informed ways. So the goal in dealing with Mark's lie is to avoid responses that instill shame or fear or embarrassment. Empathize with your toddler. Say something like, oh, sometimes I feel bad about something I did. It's not a good feeling, is it? Or alternatively, you could say something like, oh, there's times I wish I hadn't done. And then you can name whatever X, Y or Z that can feel really tough. Here's another common situation. Your child swears they wash their hands, yet the soap is perfectly dry. So instead of becoming upset or accusing your child of lying or using logic to show how they lied, instead I would respond gently with oh, you wish you didn't have to wash your hands, right? I get it. But hey, there's still dirt on your hands. Let's clean them together. When you put on your big hearted lens and reframe lying as wishful thinking, you stop being angry and you become a guide. Help helping your child to feel safe and learn the importance of honesty. Another priority in managing lying is to be a good example. We all know our kids watch everything we do, and that's why it's crucial for us to be honest too. For example, if you tell a small fib like pretending to love a gift from grandma, explain to your child later why you told a white lie. You might say, I told Grandma I liked the gift because it makes her happy. But we should always try to tell the truth. Now let's not forget about giving a big high five to honesty. If your toddler confesses to a mistake, thank them for telling the truth. Even though it might be really tough. Like if your child spills milk all over the floor, try saying something like, thank you for telling me the truth. Let's clean it up together. Lastly, what should we avoid doing? Well, we definitely want to avoid labeling a child as a liar or making scary threats. Toddlers are still figuring things out and they need our generosity. Also, don't drill your child to try and make the point that they lied or to make them admit that they lied. Just think longer term, avoid lectures, punishing or getting angry as this does not encourage honesty. Instead, remember, toddlers have wild imaginations. So what might sound like a tall tale could just be them playing make believe, which is a really important part of their development. As your kid gets older, the reasons for telling tales might change. Maybe they're trying to be more independent or avoid getting into trouble. As they grow, we adjust how we talk about honesty, but for today we're focusing on our imaginative little toddlers. So let's quickly rehash in this mixed up magical world where your toddler's dreams and reality blur together. What we might think of as lying is often just wishful thinking, which is part of their growing brains at work. As parents, we've got to handle these moments with a lot of understanding, a big heart and clear guidance. So here's to helping our kids learn about honesty while celebrating their creativity. As we sign off, I just want to remind you to check the show notes. You'll find some cool freebies and online courses that will make parenting easier. Are you struggling with your little one's tantrums or pushback or stubbornness? Well, our best selling course, Toddlers Made Easy is just what you need to manage these hiccups with a big hearted and calm approach. And these are strategies that actually work. Let's say you're dreading potty training or your child refuses to even sit on the potty. Relax. Potty Training Made Easy is your laid back, loving guide designed specifically for parents who already have too much on their plate. Parenting doesn't have to be so tough. We can tackle this together. Remember, you're an awesome, big hearted parent already and happy parenting. We'll see you next week. Sa.
