The Unbreakable Connection: Helping Kids Feel Close When You’re Apart

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This summer, don't squeeze in, spread out. Find homes big enough for your whole guest list on VRBO. That's vacation rentals done right. Book your stay now. There's something I do with my granddaughter when she's missing her mom. It takes about 10 seconds. She stops crying almost every time, and I'm gonna share this with you in today's episode, and you're gonna wanna use it right away. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and this is Toddlers Made Easy. My granddaughter's in a big mummy stage right now, and I mean big. The kind where sleepovers at Nana's have some loud moments of, "I want my mummy." So we made something up, a little ritual, and it's become one of my favorite things. When she's missing her mom, we do this. We take a big, slow breath in together, and then we blow out a kiss right up into the air. And then I catch it and I say, here's your mommy's kiss coming back. And I place it on her forehead. And that's it. That's the whole thing. And that calms her down because here's what's actually happening. She's taking a few deep calming breaths, which her nervous system desperately needs in that moment. And she's doing something physical, something she can feel. And she's getting the message that mom's love isn't somewhere else. It's right here with her. Now we practice this when she doesn't need it too. When things are happy and easy and nobody's crying, we just do it because, and that's the actual key. And I'll come back to that in a minute. There's a picture book I come back to again and again, and it's called The Invisible String. And the idea is simple. There's a string, you can't see it, but it connects every person who loves each other. And it stretches across rooms, across towns, across oceans and it never breaks. Little kids can't see it, they can't hold it, but when they feel it, everything changes. The moments when little kids feel disconnected—bedtime, daycare drop-off, the middle of the night, when a parent travels for work or is at work for long hours—those moments can be made a little bit easier, a little bit less sad and scary when that feeling of connection is with them. And that's what makes this so powerful. There are real practical things you can do to make that happen. I'd say there's at least 4 times where this comes up regularly: bedtime, daycare drop-off, middle of the night, and long work hours. So let's make all of those 4 times easier. We're going to talk about how to prepare your child's room in a connected way. So think about what your child sees when they're lying in bed at night, when they're awake at 2 in the morning and it's dark and it's it's quiet and their heart is racing. Some family photos on the wall at their level, or ones that they can see from where they're lying in bed. This sounds small, but it's huge. When they wake up scared, before you even get there, they can look and see your face. Their nervous system starts to settle before a single word is spoken. That's part of the job. You can involve your little one in picking the photos they want. Print them out, let them help you put it up, make it a whole art project because then every time they see the photos, they remember that you did this together, which also helps. For daycare drop-off school mornings, think about what goes in your child's lunch bag or backpack. A small happy family photo tucked into a lunchbox or slipped into a backpack pocket, not on the front where it gets beaten up, but somewhere where they have to look for it somewhere special. You don't have to explain it every day, just the first time you put it there, make a big moment of it. This is our family, and wherever you go today, we're there with you. And then let the photo do its job. I used to write a little note and drop it in my kids' lunchbox, and when they were too young to read, I started with a drawing. Another really powerful way to help your child feel connected is a recorded voice. And this one is like magic. You can record a message, your voice, dad's voice, both of your voices. And make it accessible to your child when they need it most. Some stores have a simple product that's like a big red button, and it's a recordable button. You press it and you record a short message. Then your child presses it whenever they want to hear your voice at night, when they're sad. 30 seconds of, "I love you, sweetheart. I'm thinking about you right now. I love you so much. Remember, we're connected, and I'll see you soon." That's it. That's all it takes. If you use Tonies, those little audio figures that sit on the Toniebox, you can do a Tonie story as well. You can record a personal message on a creative Tonie, put it on the box, and let your child control when they hear it. There's something about the voice that's so powerful. It reaches a part of their nervous system deeper than say a photo. When separation is hard, give them a voice to come back home to. Now, all of these tools, the photos, the ritual, the recorded message, they work best when they're not just used in an emergency situation. So this breath and kiss ritual with my granddaughter works because we do it all the time. We do it when nothing is wrong. We do it just because we love each other, because her nervous system already knows what it means before it even needs it. In fact, most times when I say goodbye to her, I look at her and I say, Remember, we're connected. And then I do a little signal that says we're connected and she knows what it means. Connection needs to be an ongoing conversation you're having all the time, not just in the hard moments. So talk about that invisible string when you pick your child up or after a long day. Now putting this all together, read The Invisible String and it opens up the conversation that you can come back to over and over. Create a little ritual that's just yours between you and your child. Ours is the breath and the kiss. Yours will be something different, but practice it when things are good. That's when it actually gets built into the nervous system. Prepare the bedroom. Family photos at eye level are great for a little kid. As a matter of fact, my granddaughter, every time before she's willing to put her head down, she looks at the picture and says some comment about who this person looks like or that person. Put a photo in the lunchbox or the backpack, something that says, "I'm thinking about you." I know people who draw a little heart on each of your wrists, on your child's and yours, so that you can remember you're connected. Talk about connection often, casually, before anyone is crying. Make it part of the language of your family. We're always connected, even when we're not together. That's the thing you're really building. It's a belief, a story your child tells themself when they're scared or when it's dark or when they're lonely. Speaking of connection, if you're in the thick of potty training right now, or you know it's coming up, or maybe you're dreading it, check out the show notes. My Potty Training Made Easy program takes you from diapers to dry in 30 days. And I'm mentioning it right now because it's hugely built around the concept of staying connected with your child throughout the process. There's no pressure. There's no shame. There's no power struggles. It's just a plan that works really well because we make the child's experience the priority as opposed to getting it done quickly. This is a plan that works beautifully, and the link is in the show notes. Have a wonderful week, everyone. Keep up with the good work, and I'll see you soon.