The Ups and Downs of Feeding Toddlers

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Hello, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician with more than 35 years of experience managing tricky toddler behaviors. I'm the mom of 4 amazing adult kids and the host of today's show, Toddlers Made Easy. This is the bite-sized podcast with no fluff where we get straight to the point. Now, just a quick heads up here. This week there will be a second episode of Toddlers Made Easy on Friday where I'm going to share all the behind the scenes of my brand new book with the same name, Toddlers Made Easy. So tune in to learn about everything book related. Today we're going to focus on the ups and downs of feeding toddlers. We're not going to focus exclusively on picky eating per se, but more on the issues surrounding it. We'll devote a full episode to picky eating down the road. So in other words, today I'm going to talk about some of the factors at play when it comes to feeding toddlers. Imagine this: you make a colorful, fun, and healthy plate of food, filled with all those things your toddler just loved yesterday, and you set it down and you're feeling pretty good about it. And then immediately it's either pushed away or ignored, or maybe even tossed on the floor. That's so hard to manage calmly when you've just spent, say, 30 minutes preparing it, and you even followed that Instapage idea about how to make food more fun and enticing for kids. Well, if this is something you've experienced, let me reassure you, you're not alone. Feeding toddlers can feel like a guessing game. One day they're gobbling everything up, and the next, their favorite foods are considered gross. These ups and downs are completely normal in the toddler stage. So let's talk about why feeding toddlers can feel so challenging and how to manage those challenges in a way that helps your child build a healthy relationship with food. Having a big picture about what to expect makes managing mealtime-related problems much easier. So let's start with the fact that after the first year of life, kids grow a little slower. It's totally normal for them to eat a lot one day and barely anything the next day, presuming they're otherwise healthy kids and not coming down with something that's ruining their appetite. Now, here's where growth curves come in. I know a lot of experts on Insta talk about hating growth curves, but as a physician, they're super helpful to gauge whether there's a problem needing a deeper look versus just normal fluctuations over time. Growth curves aren't inherently bad, but sometimes the way they're used are not so helpful. But that's not what we're going to talk about today. Let's get back to toddlers and mealtimes. Toddlers can be fickle. Their likes and dislikes, they change really fast. One day they'll eat a full plate of vegetables and the next they'll barely touch a thing. Just like they might love their teddy bear for a week and then suddenly ignore him or her. Why does that happen? Because toddlers live in the moment and at that moment, whatever is going on influences how they feel. Now, as I explain in my book, mealtime is a way for toddlers to feel some control in their life. Refusing foods is often their way of saying, "Hey, you guys, I get to decide, not you." Your toddler isn't trying to make things hard for you. He or she is just desperately craving some power. And then there's the issue of textures and colors and flavors. Some foods can feel too soft or crunchy or slimy or weird to a toddler. Just like a clothing label can drive them crazy, food textures can be equally disturbing. Years ago, when I was visiting one of my kids in Grenada, I was given something called chocho. I'm not even sure if that's the right pronunciation. Forgive me if it's not. I had no idea how to eat it. I didn't know what parts were intended to be eaten. And what to expect taste-wise, I was a little bit unsure and not exactly enthusiastic to try it. And it struck me, that's how toddlers must feel about so many of the foods they're offered. So many foods that we consider ordinary are brand new to a toddler. There's so much newness and those uncomfortable feelings that go with it. So here's where a That's why a big-hearted approach is so helpful. This means thinking about a situation from your toddler's perspective. Let's consider mealtime from a toddler's point of view. Well, your toddler may be thinking, "I know you want me to eat this, but I'm not really hungry." Or perhaps, "Hmm, this really upsets my parents when I don't eat. I kind of like that feeling. It makes me feel really strong." Or perhaps, "I get that you guys want me to eat my vegetables, but I don't really like the taste of them." Or, "I don't like it when you pressure me to eat something. It doesn't make me more willing to try it." You see, the reason why it's worth looking at things from your child's perspective is it helps you solve a tricky situation without second-guessing. Plus, it doesn't end there. Like we know every child is different, there are also different kind of eaters. Let's look at different types of eaters. Well, there's I'll eat almost anything toddlers, and these little kids tend to eat really well and they generally don't have much of a picky phase. My granddaughter is what I'd consider I'll eat almost anything, and the meals she eats shock me. They're so sophisticated. And then there's the maybe, maybe not kiddos. They're more cautious eaters. They tend to have smaller appetites and they're more suspicious of food and they tend to be more sensitive to taste and textures. And then where most kids fall is somewhere in between these two styles. I call these the I might like it eaters, and they're more willing to try things, but not always and not everything. They may be good eaters early on and then go through a picky phase and generally turn things around in the end. Now, there's another important point, and I find this one so interesting, and that is that family history contributes to the kind of eater your child becomes. Research shows that fear of new foods is highly genetically linked. That hasn't played out in my family. I I really, really hate fish on some completely ridiculous level. But my kids, they all love fish, which I find really curious. Now there's more to consider when it comes to food than just the actual food on your plate. How we eat also matters. And by that I mean family meals are so important. They're about sharing and bonding. Family meals gives you and your toddler the opportunity to enjoy each other's company, share experiences, and understand one another better. In fact, they not only help everyone eat better, but they also boost mental health in general. So while I'm skirting around picky eating and the factors that contribute to it, we can't leave without considering the worry that many parents struggle with. That is, is my child's picky eating normal or is something else going on? Now, if you were in my pediatric office, here are a few questions I'd ask you to tease out whether I need to look deeper. So, is there poor weight gain? In other words, is your child following her growth curve or falling off of it? Is there any coughing, gagging, or choking during meals? Is there any problems with vomiting during eating? Are the picky eating habits associated with developmental, behavioral, or Or physical concerns? Is anxiety an issue in general to the point that it interferes with life? And are there any sensory issues? If you answer yes to any of these, it doesn't mean there's a deeper problem, but it means you should discuss this further with your healthcare provider to look into things a little more. For the truly deeply picky eaters, remember, picky eating isn't intended to drive you crazy. It's to tell you something isn't okay. Now, I'd say bedtime and mealtime are two of the biggest challenges many parents face. So I want to answer a fabulous question I received from a parent recently about a bedtime problem. Here's the question I received: Good evening, Dr. Cathryn Tobin. We're big followers of your work and have found your methods incredibly helpful, especially your course, which has been a great resource for us. We have a 4-year-old boy, Michelangelo, and a 7-month-old girl, and we've been applying the bedtime routine you discussed on your podcast. At first, it worked wonderfully. My wife sits just outside our son's room and he's able to fall asleep on his own. However, in the past couple of weeks, we've run into a bit of a challenge. Michelangelo has started waking up 2 to 3 times during the night and coming to get my wife so she can take him back to bed. And sit outside his room again. He even anticipates this, telling us during the day that he's going to wake up to find her. We would love to hear your thoughts on how we can handle the situation or if there's a different approach we should consider. Thank you so much for your time and guidance. First, let me thank you for sharing your concerns. So what this dad is referring to is my Easy Does It strategy for gently and kindly helping kids learn to doze off. If you're struggling with sleep issues, I'd suggest you take a listen to the episodes, Why Won't My Child Go to Sleep Without Me, Part 1 and Part 2, and they aired January 10th and January 17th in 2023. Now, when I hear this story, I realize this mom is sitting outside of the room until her son nods off, and that's the condition that little Michelangelo associates with falling asleep. So every time this little guy hits a light sleep state in the middle of the night, well, he needs his mom to get back there in the chair so he can fall back to sleep. So how can this lovely and caring family help their little guy fall asleep without mom needing to get up several times a night to sit in the chair outside the door? The best way to help Michelangelo sleep better and longer is to encourage him to fall asleep without his mom sitting at the doorway. I trust kids. I know they're strong and capable. I also know everyone benefits from a good night's rest. So Dad, how can you make this happen using a big-hearted approach? Because let's face it, while you want your sleep, you also want this to come about gently without stressing your child. So first I'd sit at the door, but move out of sight for a few nights. And then I'd say to Michelangelo, since you're so good at falling asleep, I'm going to start sitting downstairs after our goodnight kisses. Notice we've told this little guy what is going to happen as opposed to telling him what's not going to happen. Next, get a little stuffed animal or use a beloved one and explain. After Mommy says goodnight, would you please give Teddy a great big hug and help him feel more comfortable. You see, he really misses his friends and feels very sad sometimes during the night. Also ask Michelangelo to comfort Teddy when he wakes up in the night. Make a big deal of tucking Teddy in at bedtime too. You might even practice how Michelangelo can help Teddy feel better during the night, but practice this during the daytime. Kids are kind and they're generous, and asking them to look after someone or something else is an effective way to make bedtime easier without stressing out your child. Plus, let's look a little further into other things we can do. We know that kids find bedtime challenging for reasons similar to separation anxiety, like drop-offs at daycare. So the next step is to increase that sense of connection and bring more of the sense of family into the bedroom. So pictures of you that your child can see from the bed is comforting. Even a recorded voice message from parents is helpful. We used to do this using tape recorders, but now you can do something easier. Like there's a big button you can get at Staples where you can record a short message and all your child has to do is hit the button to hear the message. I also like a little family photo album by the bedside is nice. Now let's follow up on Michelangelo and his family in the coming weeks. But in the meantime, if you are struggling with sleep issues, I'm really excited to tell you that I'm going to be giving a live workshop on making bedtime easier. You'll walk away with big-hearted strategies to help your child sleep longer and better. There'll be limited seats, which will go first to those on the waitlist who will also be offered a special price. So if you'd like to grab a seat before they're gone, there will be a link to do this in the show notes below. Finally, have a great week, keep up the good work, and happy parenting.