Things Not To Say During A Tantrum

You're listening to Toddlers Made Easy, an expert guided podcast for anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed by a toddler, or in other words, all of us. Parenting a toddler is really tough and I'm here to help. I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 32 years of experience and a month of four great kids. I love explaining toddlers and giving you the practical tools, knowledge and crucial support you need to become the parent every kid wants. Each week you can tune in for simple, actionable strategies, scripts and practical tips, all in bite sized chunks. Because I know your time is precious. So be sure you subscribe so you never miss an episode. Let's not waste any time and let's get going. Today we're going to be talking about a few things not to do during a tantrum. Now, dedicating an episode to things not to do or say during a tantrum may seem overly negative. I really thought about whether or not to do this episode and it's not how I generally like to approach things. But these are common tactics many parents use and avoiding them can spare you enormous grief. So please don't take anything as criticism as I know you're doing a great job and I just want to make things a bit easier for you. So these are habits to avoid so you don't inadvertently make tantrums worse. Now, let me give you an example. 3 year old Lacey was rolling on the floor screaming something about the waffles she'd eaten this morning, something she was really upset about. And the tantrum had been going on for at least 10 to 15 minutes. But Lacy's mum was getting a bit antsy because she needed to get to work. So she sweetly whispered to her daughter, don't cry, sweetheart, there's nothing to cry about. You're just fine. Now, her mom was just trying to be supportive, but unfortunately, Lacie's feelings got hurt and she cried even louder and harder and longer. So let's look at why Lacie reacted the way she did. And that brings me to the first point. Avoid invalidating your toddler's feelings. Toddlers get upset over the most insane things. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. For instance, I want a bath, but I don't want any water, or my ice cream is too cold, or I don't want my ice cube to melt. But the problem is that while the things that upset a toddler may seem insane to us, they're very real and serious to a toddler. So while it may seem insane to be compassionate and understanding about something that makes no sense, we need to take our toddler's experience seriously. I know it sounds crazy, but it really is true. How would you feel if you were really upset about something and your partner laughed or belittled you for feeling upset? How would you feel if you were told, stop whining, it's not a big deal? Well, I doubt you'd say, oh, you're right, I'm just being silly. No, most likely you'd feel worse. You'd feel belittled and misunderstood. Well, toddlers are exactly the same way. They just want to feel seen and understood just like we do. Toddlers are really emotional, as you know. They're not logical. Adult logic isn't what's important during a tantrum, but feeling respected and understood is. So do you see how Lacey might have felt snubbed when she was innocently told there's nothing to cry about and why that might actually aggravate things? I want to give you another example of something to avoid. Avoid telling toddlers what they should feel. We often unknowingly and innocently tell toddlers not to trust their own experience or feelings. And we do this when we say things like, there's nothing to be upset about, or by saying, don't cry. Here, let me give you an example. 3 year old Katie worked really hard building a Lego tower and she was really proud of it and she called her mom to come over and see. At the same time, Lulu, the family dog, came over as well because there was so much excitement. But unfortunately, Lulu, whose tail was wagging crazily, knocked the tower over. Well, Katie just collapsed and she started to scream as if she'd been knocked down. And her mom said, oh, don't cry, honey. There's nothing to cry about. You're a good builder. Just build another one. Her mom was just trying to be encouraging, but unfortunately she was unknowingly negating or ignoring Katie's disappointment. You know what would have helped? Simply labeling feelings or talking about what happened. You're upset because Lulu knocked down the tower you worked really hard to build, or saying something like, it's really upsetting when Lulu knocks down a tower you've worked so hard to build. Let's move on now to another example. This time we're going to talk about something you may do without even realizing it. Sometimes we may tell a little white lie in the hope of skipping or decreasing a tantrum. Sure, you can have some ice cream. We'll see if we have any when we get home. Meanwhile, you know perfectly well there's no ice cream at home. Or maybe it goes something like this. Oops. I know I said you could use the iPad, but the battery is dead. And you see, you're just pretending right now the battery is dead. It's working perfectly well. While trying to avoid saying no in the hopes of skipping or ending a tantrum, they may help you in the short term, but not the long term. You see, trust is really important. And as you can imagine, tricking your kids, it won't help you build trust down the road. If we want our kids to be honest, we need to be a good example and be honest with them. We can't use lies to avoid a problem in the same way we don't want our kids to do that. So be confident, consistent and clear when you set a limit. And it'll get easier over time, so you won't want to use a little white lie to avoid the problem. Another habit to avoid is punishing your toddler for having a tantrum. Tantrums are a normal developmental behavior. Your toddler's brain is still growing, and tantrums are just a normal way for a toddler to express his emotions. It doesn't make sense to punish them for expressing their feelings in the only way available to them at this time. And also punishment timeout threats. They won't reduce future tantrums. In fact, research shows that when we punish our kids for tantrums, they become angrier and more distressed by intense feelings and meltdowns actually worsen. Now, my last point today is to avoid saying things like, you're making me sad. A toddler shouldn't be held responsible for our feelings. Our words can unintentionally communicate things like shame and guilt. And these aren't great teachers. From your toddler's experience, they may learn, when I mess up, my mom or dad don't love me, or when I make a mistake, I'm a bad kid. Of course that's not what you intended. I know you probably thought your child would stop doing what they're doing because they wouldn't want to upset you. But please remember, you're doing the best you can and that's just fine. You're human and you're going to say things you later regret when you're upset. We all do that. But I encourage parents to use this acronym, easy, which is a little trick that helps you to calmly manage unwanted behavior. And I made a mini audio lesson to explain this strategy. You can find the link in the show notes Below, toddlers need to know that your love isn't conditional. And really, we're responsible for our own emotions. We want our kids to know that we love them no matter what, even when they make mistakes, behave poorly, or are driving us crazy with one thing to do instead of not do during a tantrum, and that's get comfortable with strong feelings. Allow your toddler to feel all the feelings without trying to shut them down. No one likes to see their child cry, but caving in to avoid crying, it's not going to help you in the long run. Plus, kids are naturally emotional. In fact, research shows that it's better in the long run to allow our kids to feel all the feelings rather than trying to cheer them up. Now, I find it helpful to use a mantra when emotions are running high, and here's one that many parents tell me helps them, and that is a tantrum is just a toddler acting his age. Try it. So let's look at our takeaways. Today we discussed five things not to say or do during a tantrum. And again, my apologies if this seems overly negative. It's just I really want to help you avoid these little tactics that can make a big difference. Our first tactic to avoid is invalidating a toddler's feelings, no matter how crazy they are. You need to take your toddler's feelings seriously. Next, avoid telling your toddler what to feel. If we teach our kids their feelings are silly, it teaches them their feelings don't matter and not to trust themselves. And next, we need to avoid telling those little white lies in hopes of minimizing tantrums. The fourth point is don't punish your toddler for having a tantrum. Punishing a toddler for expressing her emotions in the only way available to her leads to anger and resentment. In fact, during a tantrum is when your child needs you most. And lastly, avoid saying things like, you're making me sad. We're responsible for our own emotions and this isn't something we want to put on our kids. And then we finished off with the one thing to do, and that is get comfortable with strong feelings. Allow your toddler to feel all the feelings without trying to shut them down. And to further support this, research has shown that allowing kids all those intense feelings, it builds emotional strength and resiliency. Well, that's it for this episode. If you'd like more help on managing everything toddler, check out our hugely popular online course, Toddlers Made Easy. You can find the link in the show notes below. Thank you so much for joining me today, especially on a topic I'm so passionate about. And again, forgive me, I know it seemed overly negative and that's not how I like to approach things, but I didn't want to skip it because it's so important. Bye for now. Till next week. Thanks for listening to Toddlers Made Easy, the Healthiest Baby Podcast. If you want more insights, tools and confidence, join our free baby school and get a weekly parenting insight in your inbox. Head over to Bit Ly and that's spelled B as in Bob I T as in Tom. Period Ly joinbabyschool Don't worry though, the link will be in the show notes. Also, join me on Instagram ealthiestbaby for a daily dose of better parenting solutions. If you love the Toddlers Made Easy podcast, please subscribe, rate and give us a review on itunes. We'd appreciate it so much. There's so much more I want to share with you from my experience as a baby doctor. Until next time, have a great week.