Toddler Not Listening? Do This!

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine. I'm a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the founder of Healthiest Baby. I'm also the mother of four amazing adult kids. And then there smudge our great big golden doodle. Today we're going to be talking about how to inspire our kids to listen. It's easy to get caught up in the day to day tasks and responsibilities of raising kids. You have a never ending list of things to do from preparing meals and cleaning up messes to hopefully taking care of yourself and keeping up with work or other obligations. In the midst of all of this, it can be really tempting to just give out orders to your little one and expect them to follow along without questioning. However, it's important to prioritize treating your toddler with respect before directing them or shooting out orders. Trying to get a toddler to listen can be incredibly frustrating and it can leave you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and basically at your wit's end. However, there are nurturing and positive ways to encourage your toddler to cooperate without resorting to bribing and pleading and yelling or giving endless threats. And today that's what we're going to talk about. How to improve your toddler's listening skills. Now, before we can solve a problem, we really need to understand it. So let's step back and think about well, why don't kids listen? First of all, it's completely normal from a developmental perspective to that your toddler is blatantly ignoring you. Toddlers are going through many changes. They're more agile and mobile and they're improving their communication skills. They're more social and they're beginning to understand cause and effect. They're just starting to develop a sense of time and they can now follow simple instructions and their curiosity leads them to explore their surroundings and to learn through play. They're also progressing from speaking just single words to putting a few words together or even forming simple sentences. They're starting to engage in more complex conversations and toddlers are beginning to develop a little self awareness and independence. And along with all of these changes comes the realization they're a separate person with their own preferences and priorities. And along with this new awareness comes a burning drive for independence. A toddler is hardwired for A need to feel powerful. And if they're not getting enough opportunities to exert their power in positive or acceptable ways, like what should they wear or what kind of cereal to eat or which book to read. Well, if they're not getting it in positive ways, it's going to come out in negative ways, such as not listening. Now, I'm not suggesting your child needs to be the boss, actually, far from it. But I would assume not listening is how your child is telling you that they need more decision making power in their lives. It's a little less frustrating once you realize what's going on from a developmental perspective, but unfortunately that's not the entire picture. Giving your child opportunities to feel some control, it's not going to solve the problem. It'll help it. But we still need to look at how we ask our kids to give up something really fun to do something that really isn't very fun from their perspective. So let's look at this situation from your child's perspective. Let's say your toddler's playing with her blocks and she's really into it and you call out, okay, go get your shoes on, it's time to pick up your big brother. Well, basically we're asking our toddlers to stop doing something they're really enjoying and invested in to doing something that they don't consider very much fun. Looking at it from your point of view, let's say you're reading a book and relaxing for the first time today. And then your partner asks you, hey, would you mind passing me the remote control, which happens to be across the room. So it means you have to get up, get the remote control, bring it to your partner. Well, what would make you more likely to comply? Because I can imagine after just sitting down for the first time, not ready to jump up. If you felt seen and treated with respect, perhaps you might consider fetching the remote. For instance, if your partner said something like, I know you're really tired, sweetheart, but I hurt my back today and it's really hard for me to get up. Well, you'd probably be more inclined to help out. Not because your partner has a good reason to ask for help, which you probably, or you might comply with only that you might oblige him, but you might also feel resentful. But instead, because your partner also acknowledged you and your needs, you're more likely to want to get up and help. So now that we have a little bit of an understanding of the problem, the question is, how can we use this understanding to encourage our kids to cooperate, so we don't need to keep asking and begging them when something needs to be done. So I just want us to focus on one thing before we get into the solution, and that is I'd like us to get real for a second about what it feels like when kids don't listen. It may really trigger feelings from your past, from your childhood of not being listened to. You may feel like no one ever listens to me. And these feelings can make it really difficult to stay calm because they rev you up. Now, you don't need to dig too deep to try and understand what went on during your childhood, but just recognizing what bothers you will help you stay calm. Plus, regardless of triggers, no one likes to be ignored or not to feel valued. Here's a little tip I teach in my course Toddlers Made Easy about how to manage triggers. You want to create a space between your child's misbehavior and your response to it, providing there's no safety issues. In other words, you want to actually pause before you say a word and then you're going to use that moment to ground yourself or to let your nervous system calm down. Different things work for different people. Some people find deep breathing helps their nervous system calm down, especially if you prolong the exhaling phase so you would breathe in to the count of four and exhale to the count of eight. Practice this when everything is calm so it becomes second nature and you can use it easily when needed. Let's move on now. These steps that we're about to cover are going to help you avoid feeling defeated and then losing your temper. When you're asking your child to do something, the first thing is to connect with your child or show them some respect before you direct them. Before you give out any instructions or orders, take a moment and help your child feel seen. By that I really mean help your child feel valued. How? By acknowledging them and their feelings. For instance, hey sweetheart, I know it's hard to stop what you're doing when you're having so much fun, but it's dinner time. Please come to the table. Make sure when you do this that you have your toddler's attention. And this might mean getting down to their level and making eye contact and speaking softly. Here's another example. Oh, I can see you're really enjoying reading that book, but we need to go pick up your brother from school. Do you want to put on your shoes or should I help you? When we acknowledge our kids feelings, we're basically saying, I see you sweetheart. Your Feelings matter to me. They're important to me. You can imagine how much easier it is for your child to cooperate when they feel seen and understood. Another priority is to use simple and clear language. Keep your instructions short, clear and easy to understand. Remember, toddlers have a limited vocabulary and a short attention span, so the simpler your message, the more likely they will to comprehend it and also comply with it. Also, be really specific about what you want them to do. Instead of just saying something like will be good, say something like please put your toys away. Or you could even get more specific and say please put the red toys away. That makes it a little fun. I can't tell you how many parents ask me to order a hearing test for their child because their kids aren't listening. But hearing and listening are not the same. Having said that, if you have any concerns about your child's hearing, you should discuss this with your healthcare provider and I am going to give you a few red flags that would be a reason to speak with a healthcare provider. Doesn't mean they have a hearing problem, but it does mean you should have a chat with your doctor. So speech delay would be one thing. Unclear words. That's less of an issue with a younger toddler because their speech often isn't clear. But put it in context with the rest of these points. If your child doesn't hear faint sounds or they have delayed milestones such as they can't follow basic instructions. If your child's not looking to see where loud sounds are coming from, if they're mumbling but not advancing in their speech. If any of these red flags are something that you're concerned about, please chat with your healthcare provider. Okay, now let's get back the next thing is we talked about earlier about the importance of choices and a toddler's need to assert their power. Toddlers love to assert their independence, so give them this or that. Choices that can help foster a sense of autonomy and instead of demanding they do something, offer two acceptable options. For example, you could say, would you like to put your shoes on by yourself or do you want me to help you? That way your child feels more in control and is more likely to listen. I'd also use positive reinforcement, positive attention for positive behavior. Acknowledge your toddler when they do something you like, notice it and comment with praise and encouragement. Be very specific. Great job putting away your toys as opposed to thanks for being a good kid. This positive reinforcement, it's going to motivate them to continue listening and behave in ways that you like in the future. Another strategy or another way to reframe is to see yourself on the same team as your child. This is a really powerful strategy because you realize the problem is the problem, not your child. Your child is not the problem. Getting into the car is the problem. So when you work on the same team with your child, you solve things in ways that nurture your child's developing self esteem. So for instance, how can I get my kiddo into the car when he's refusing instead of asking, and your child refusing and then you're escalating and how loud you're yelling, and then your toddler starts melting down and then everyone feels bad and he's still not in the car. Well, another way to do this is again, stop thinking of your child as the problem and realize you're on the same team and you both have a problem. So you could say something like, hey, honey, we have a problem. I need to pick up your brother. But you're really having fun working on that puzzle and you really don't want to stop right now. How can we solve this problem? This works well with older toddlers, but the younger ones, you may need to prompt them. Or same with the older ones. So you may say something like, maybe we could race to the car and see who could get there first, or maybe you could grab a book and read it in the car. Just shifting your thinking will help you come up with peaceful solutions. And lastly, this is really a powerful point and one that is so underutilized with kids, but I want to encourage you to use play to encourage cooperation. There's nothing wrong with turning your requests into something playful. A lot of parents say, well, my child should just listen to me. I shouldn't have to do that. But you're basically joining your child in their world instead of always insisting they join you in yours. So play is a powerful way to encourage your kids to cooperate. So for instance, you could say, hey, I wonder if we can get into the car faster than Superman. Superman can do it in five seconds. Let's see if we can do it in four. But you get the idea. Focus on something your child really loves and make getting into the car a game. By implementing these strategies, you're going to be able to foster a really strong connection with your child, and you're going to create a positive and calm and respectful environment. And best of all, you're going to really feel proud of your parenting. So thank you for listening today. I hope you found this helpful and happy parenting.