Toddler Rudeness: What's Really Going On?

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My Great Big Goldendoodle. Today we're going to be talking about what to do when kids are rude or disrespectful. Now, a little story came to mind, and it's not exactly one. I'm particularly proud of it. Please don't think worse for me of it, but I wanted to share it with you because as with most stories, there's a little lesson inside. And so this goes back to when I was about four or five years old. I remember my mother was giving me a lecture about something and she took her pointer finger and she started wagging it at me and telling me things that I had done wrong. And I bit my mom's finger. Now, I didn't bite it and break the skin. It was just a little nibble, but still, it was a very awful thing to do. And I don't understand it when I look back, but I think it is a lesson about how profoundly people do not like to be bossed around. So remember that story if you ever find yourself wagging your finger at your child. Now let's move on to today's talk. I'm going to start off with a little story that one of my patients shared with me recently. And then the discussion that follows is about how to deal with rude behavior. So this lovely mom told me. I was in the cereal aisle and my four and a half year old daughter Sarah grabbed a box of Captain Crunch. And this is a cereal we typically don't buy. And when I told her, no, we're not buying that, she yelled, you're a stupid mummy and I hate you. At that moment, I looked up and saw my boss standing there looking at me. It just so happened we were both in the same grocery store at the same time, in the same aisle. Needless to say, I was totally embarrassed. Now, at some point, your sweet little toddler is going to utter words that will shock and embarrass you, whether they're swearing words or screaming words like I hate you. It's so easy to feel flustered or unsure what to say or do. So let me caution you before you take the bait or feel like a parenting failure let's dive into why do toddlers resort to such strong language? Now, there are several equally good reasons why toddlers are disrespectful. So let's break them down. First, a toddler's feelings basically burst out of them. And this has nothing to do with disrespect. This has more to do with the toddler having difficulty with emotional regulation and impulse control. A toddler's emotions are stronger than their self control. Now, another reason kids will come out with some pretty embarrassing stuff is they're in a stage of rapid language development and they pick up words and expressions from everyone around them. Your little one is going to experiment with language testing which words trigger a big reaction. So often when a toddler swears or is rude, it's because they've recognized the power of these words. They love the reaction they get from you. Whether the reaction is positive or negative, it doesn't matter. They love the reaction. Also, since the toddler years are a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows, and because a toddler lacks the ability to really manage these intense emotions, they tend to vent their feelings or frustrations with their body, with their words. So rudeness, again, it's more of a regulation problem than a lack of respect. Your toddler is also learning to assert his or her independence. And using strong language can sometimes be a way to test the boundaries of this newfound autonomy. When a child does something and the reaction is really great, it's impressive, it's huge. Well, it encourages more of the same behavior. The strongest message here is that rudeness is more about a child's inability to manage big feelings than it is about disrespecting you. This interpretation allows you to respond in ways that protect your child's self esteem, but still teaches them how to manage their strong emotions without resorting to rudeness. Knowing that a problem is a function of emotional dysregulation, well, that's where we can use a big hearted approach. A big hearted interpretation of a situation is built upon the belief that a toddler isn't intentionally misbehaving. Rather, they're navigating the world as best as they can given their current developmental stage. In other words, they're acting their age. Now, this perspective encourages empathy and understanding and shifting the focus from blaming a child to nurturing their growth and protecting self esteem. We're not talking about permissiveness here because we're still teaching and holding boundaries, and we keep both kindness and boundaries as equal priorities. So instead of blaming your child, use a Big hearted interpretation that understands your toddler isn't intentionally being rude, but that they have these intense feelings they just can't manage. Let's get to the practical aspect of things. When your child blurts out, you're a stupid mummy and I hate you, well, you basically have two choices. One, you can either think something like, oh, you're so spoiled, or that's a terrible thing to say. Or you can make a conscious effort not to take the words personally and opt for that big hearted interpretation like, my kid really, really wants that cereal and she can't contain her big emotions. That's something I'm going to need to work on in the future. This big hearted interpretation shifts the focus from blaming to understanding. You're paving the way for a more empathetic and helpful response. This is particularly important during the toddler years when impulse and emotional control are underdeveloped. For instance, saying something like, I see you're really upset right now. It's okay to have strong feelings. Well, that will build your connection. It will also help your child to feel seen, which is often the root of the problem more than it is about not getting the cereal they want. Your toddler doesn't need a punishment. Punishment won't teach your child how to manage big feelings. What's your child saying with those hurtful words? Well, she's saying, or he's saying, I'm hurting. My world doesn't feel right in this moment. I'm a toddler and I'm acting my age now. Often anger comes from not feeling heard and as I mentioned earlier, not because your child didn't get the cereal she wanted. It comes from feeling, nobody's listening. Nobody cares how we manage. Disrespectful and rude behavior at the toddler stage should help your child feel seen and also teach better ways of handling frustration. So in the moment, focus on the feelings and leave it at that. This isn't so easy to do and it's not a matter of turning a blind eye to the problem. But you can teach your child about better ways to express these big feelings. And at a time where your child is calm and open to learning. So another day when your child is calm, then take a moment to talk about how to manage anger and frustration. For instance, you could teach your child how to do deep breathing when they're feeling frustrated. Or you could teach them what I call the elevator game. The elevator game is when you get your child to imagine they're on an elevator or an escalator or at the top of A flight of stairs. And as they come down from the 10th floor to the 9th floor to the 8th floor, et cetera, their frustration comes down. So you get them to keep taking deep breaths as the elevator comes down. And then when they hit ground floor, they're feeling calm again. I play this game over and over, so your child becomes really skilled at it. So they have this tool at their fingertips when it's needed. Now, how you manage rude behavior, this will change as your child matures. So remember, today we're focusing on toddler and how to deal with a toddler being rude. Remember, their brains are immature, they don't have impulse control, and they don't have emotional control. And asking a toddler to regulate their emotions, it's like asking someone to read a book before they've even learned the Alphabet. The foundational elements simply aren't there yet. Today's takeaway message is that when a toddler is rude, it's more about immature impulse and emotional control than it is about disrespect. So we need to shape our way of responding to these moments to fit a toddler's ability. And that's where noticing the feelings in the moment, letting your child know all feelings are okay, sometimes they may need to throw a little temper tantrum at the moment. They need to get those feelings out somehow. And then at a later date, when all is calm, this is where you talk about, you know, when you said you hate mummy or mummy's stupid, well, then you teach them, here are better ways to say that. Or here, let's play the elevator game so that you are feeling more calm when you start to talk. Give them the tools they need to express and manage their feelings. Now, one thing I've noticed a lot with parents is you don't get enough pats on the back. So I want you to know you're doing a great job. And you probably don't hear that enough, so please hear my words. Keep up the good work. You're doing a great job. I look forward to talking to you soon. And I'll see you next week. It.