Toddler Sleep Troubles: What to Do When Advice Doesn't Work

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I thought we'd do something a little different today. What happens when you follow all the parenting tips and tricks and the problem still doesn't go away? Well, that's what we're going to talk about today. You know how sometimes parenting advice can sound a little cookie cutter and too simple? I know I fall prey to this too, but today I'd like us to dig a little deeper and talk about when, despite following the advice exactly as described, a problem or a challenge doesn't disappear. What then? Well, I've recently received 3 emails from parents who are having trouble with their kids' sleep, even after trying our expert advice. So let's dive in and look at what if the advice isn't working, what to think and do. So here's the first email I received. Dr. Cathryn Tobin, I'm caught in a challenging pattern with my 3-year-old daughter at bedtime. Our routine often escalates into her hitting and stomping and pinching. And pulling my hair until she finally calms down enough to recognize her exhaustion. I've attempted your easy does it method a few times now, and although we start off strong and I'm optimistic, by the third or fourth day we revert to our old ways. Now when I sit on the floor silently, she doesn't settle down. Instead, she becomes physical with me. And not only that, she frequently ends up in our bed during the night. After months of trying to return her to her bed without success, I've resigned to letting her stay because I really do need to get some sleep. But I realize these habits aren't good for any of us, not in the short term or the long term, especially regarding her sleep. But despite my efforts, I'm struggling to find a solution. Please help. Well, thank you so much for this letter. There's so many interesting points to discuss, but I want us just to focus on the one today of what if the advice isn't working. So let's start with the fact that there really is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to human beings, and specifically right now, toddlers. If a strategy doesn't work for your child, well, either fine-tune it so it works for you. And nobody knows your child like you do, so don't hesitate to make changes to it. But you could also just try a different approach. There are many approaches to every problem. In this situation, given the extent of your child's reaction, I'd say a different approach is appropriate. But first, before we go there, consider whether it's possible that your daughter's overtired. You know how kids get that second wind that makes them look really energized? And makes it really hard to get them to settle down. Well, this surge of energy, it can be misleading. So consider moving her bedtime a little bit earlier if you think it's an issue. Now regarding the hitting and stomping and pinching and hair pulling, it's important to determine whether these behaviors are specific to bedtime or if they occur in other situations as well. This will help you understand if there's a general behavioral challenge or if it's more just a bedtime challenge. If these behaviors are specifically associated with bedtime, ask yourself, what tool is my child lacking that's causing this reaction? This is such an empowering approach as it protects a child from punishment and shame. In this situation, I would teach your daughter to handle frustration by saying something along these lines. This is what you would teach your daughter to say. "Mommy, I don't like it when you won't talk to me. It makes me angry." But then I would also go on to say, "It's not okay to hit Mommy or to pinch me or pull my hair." Now, it looks like your daughter is resorting to physical behaviors because it's working to get your attention, even if it's negative attention. So teaching your daughter more effective ways to communicate her frustration is key. Now let's talk about adjusting the sleep routine. Since your daughter is accustomed to your presence to fall asleep, you can gradually teach her to be comfortable with your absence. Begin by doing the usual bedtime routine and stay in her room and do whatever you were doing prior to sleep training. Then excuse yourself with a simple reason like, oops, I need to get a glass of water. I'll be right back. Leave for a moment and then return. And this is the cycle you're going to keep repeating. Oops, I forgot something. You go out of the room. You can start off staying out just a very brief moment, and then you keep extending this period of time each night until your child is eventually falling asleep on her own. So again, you say, oops, I forgot something. I'll be right back. And then you leave for a moment, and then you return, and you progressively extend the duration of your absence. This method helps your daughter practice being alone and finding self-soothing techniques that work for her, which is an essential skill for independent sleep. You can adjust the pace of this routine to match what you believe your daughter can handle, and even practice this during the daytime to increase her comfort with being alone. Remember, the goal is to gradually encourage falling asleep skills, allowing for a more peaceful bedtime routine for everyone. Unfortunately, we can't teach our kids how to fall asleep. They need to practice and try different things until they discover what works best for them. Now, when your child is falling asleep on her own, she'll most likely stop coming into your bed in the middle of the night. So focus on bedtime, and you can continue what you're doing until your daughter is falling asleep on her own. So please let me know how things are going. This doesn't need to be an emotionally upsetting experience. Slow and gradual. Now here's a little tip that helped me a lot with my kids. I made a recording for each of my kids, and they would listen to it over and over after goodnight kisses. We used a tape recorder in those days and we recorded stories, but today you can use a recordable voice product and there's lots of them. I actually use one with my dog Smudge. It's a great big button and I got it from Amazon and he presses the button and hears my voice. That only allows a very brief message, but there are ones with longer ones, even 2-minute messages on Amazon. And I also recently heard that the Hatch Sound Machine allows you to record your voice message and it also has prerecorded stories. So let's look at the next sleep-related question. Well, 4-year-old Mia is a passionate kiddo and bedtime has turned into a huge struggle. Even with a calming bedtime routine, as soon as it's time to go to sleep, Mia becomes a bundle of energy and she begs for one more story, please. Over and over and over. And when we say no, her room is filled with cries and objections. The nightly routine tires us all out and it makes us dread bedtime. Well, thank you for your note, and let's look at some strategies to help you in this situation, because this is certainly manageable. A few things to note: as always, keep an eye on the right bedtime. If you're not sure, try 15 minutes earlier, or if you think it's the other way around, you can also do 15 minutes later. Now, as we discussed earlier, kids are looking for connection at bedtime. So you want to create ways of helping your child feel that connection after you leave the room. Here are some examples. Family photos on the wall where they can be easily seen is helpful. A voice recording, like I just mentioned, either using one of those Amazon buttons or something like the Hatch sound machine or other voice recording products. But a very simple and powerful way to help your child feel connected before you leave the room is to acknowledge your child's feelings. So acknowledging Mia's feelings while holding sturdy limits will be helpful both in the short run and the long run. So let your daughter know that you understand and you care about her feelings Say something like, Mia, I know you're really sad it's bedtime. I know you'll miss me. And you know what? I'm gonna miss you too. But the next step is where you hold your sturdy boundaries. However, we're gonna read 2 books tonight and you can choose another 2 books that we can read tomorrow morning. Let's get them and put them right beside your bed. It's not easy to hold firm limits. I know that, but your child needs to know you are the boss. To help her feel safe, and knowing this should make it a little easier for you to hold those firm boundaries. Telling your child what to do after you leave their bedroom can really help with the transition to alone time. So you can say things like, after I leave the room, I want you to hug your teddy bear and roll over on your side and think about our recent trip to, let's say, the beach. Or you could say something like, Remember when I taught you how to relax your body? And yes, kids can learn progressive relaxation techniques. I want you to do that after Mommy goes to bed. Or you could say something like, oh, your teddy is really sad today. Can you take care of him? He needs a lot of hugs when he's sad. You could also consider teaching your child a mantra, and the one I really like is just a very simple, Mommy loves me, Daddy loves me. And so on. Choose whichever option you think would be the best fit for your child. Whatever direction you choose, say to yourself, "I can do this. I can hold those boundaries," knowing it's what your child needs. Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going. Now we're going to touch on the last email. Hey, Dr. Cathryn Tobin, my 3-and-a-half-year-old son used to be a great sleeper, He'd go to bed so easily and fall asleep on his own and stay asleep all through the night. However, he's recently started expressing fear at bedtime and he doesn't want to sleep alone. We've tried several strategies to make him feel safe. We're using a sound machine. We're giving him comfort items. We're reassuring him. We put in some nightlights. We even put in some glow-in-the-dark stars on his wall. We keep the door open for him, and we even talk to his daycare about reducing his afternoon naps to help him fall asleep more easily. But despite all of these steps, he's still struggling to fall asleep, and he's now often leaving his bed early in the morning and getting into our bed. I don't know how to address his fears effectively. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your email. I'm going to share a strategy for bedtime fears that I really love because this strategy shifts the focus from your child's fears to comforting their stuffed animal. And it's a sweet way to build empathy and bravely conquer those bedtime jitters together. So let me explain. Introduce your child to a new nighttime buddy or just give them one of their beloved teddy bears. In this situation, let's say it's a hippo stuffed animal. Of course, any stuffed animal is fine. Tell your toddler that Hippo is a little bit scared because he's away from his family and friends, and ask your child to comfort Hippo and make him feel better. Ask your child to give Hippo a big hug and keep him company, especially if he wakes up in the night. Now, this strategy is based on the work of a doctor, whose name is Dr. Sadeh, and he and his team evaluated the effectiveness of this intervention for children facing fears at nighttime. And their findings actually showed a significant decrease in nighttime fears along with a reduction in the number of times they woke up during the night, and they also found that kids fell asleep quicker. So my parting message is to remember that you know your child better than anyone else in the world, so fine-tune suggestions so they're a good fit for your child. While I may be an expert when it comes to children in general, you are the expert with your child. Now, I hope you found it helpful to look at some real stories from real parents about the what-ifs. For instance, what if I'm doing exactly what's been suggested, but my kiddo is still not sleeping through the night? Bottom line, don't blame yourself, don't blame your child. If the advice you get doesn't work, adjust it or change it. Thank you for listening. To share a story, please send me an email at DrCathryn@healthiest-baby.com. Parenting is the toughest job we're never trained for, and toddlers are probably the most misunderstood people on the planet. And that's why I'm really thrilled to introduce you to my course, Toddlers Made Easy. It's a parent-friendly course with bite-sized videos that you can watch while prepping dinner, feeding the baby, folding the laundry, or you can download the app and listen to it podcast style while you're out at the park or on a walk. In this course, you're going to learn what toddlers truly need during these crucial formative years. But this course is more than just about managing tough behaviors. It's about equipping your child with the skills they need to navigate their new world. It'll help you deeply understand your toddler, which is key to preventing and resolving issues. And there's real-life examples about what if the advice doesn't work there as well. You're going to learn big-hearted approaches that nurtures the very best in your child and your relationship. Thank you for listening today. Have a great week and happy parenting.