Dr. Cathryn (Catherine) Tobin, a pediatrician with ~33 years of experience, hosts a short podcast episode arguing that toddlers are often misunderstood because their brains are still developing. Through a short quiz and examples she shows that key skills—self-control, sharing/turn-taking, and emotional regulation—generally emerge around 3½–4 years, so expecting these earlier leads to frustration and punitive responses. She critiques the "terrible twos" label, encourages a compassionate reframing as "toddler‑tastic," and promotes practical, research-based parenting strategies (including paid toddler courses) to foster calmer, more empathetic parenting.
Questions this episode answers
June 14, 2023
More than 33 years
Two
Around 3½ to 4 years old
Around 3½ to 4 years old
Chapters
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience and the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby and most importantly the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big goldendoodle. Today we're going to be talking about how toddlers are the most misunderstood people on the planet. Being a toddler is actually tough. We expect toddlers to follow the rules, but they often don't even know the rules until they break them. They can't express what they need or want with words. They can't choose what they eat, and they're shorter, smaller and slower. When we better understand our toddlers, we help them feel seen and heard and understood and valued. And this translates to more peaceful and loving moments. Now let's start off with a little quiz today. In a recent office poll, many parents expected toddlers to share, control their emotions and manage their impulses. And before they were actually developmentally ready. Now, unrealistic expectations lead to power struggles, punishments and frustration. So let me ask you, at what age do you think a toddler develops self control? Self control is that ability to stop and think about a situation before acting on it. Here's an example of poor self control. Let's say your toddler wants the book his brother is reading. He just grabs it from him. That's poor self control. Most parents answer 2 years old. But the part of the brain that's responsible for self control is still under construction. So a toddler is more likely to grab a toy out of his buddy or his sibling's hand than think, oh, I better not grab it. Mommy told me it wasn't a nice thing to do. So self control is just starting to kick in at three and a half to four years old. How about sharing? At what age do you think kids share? Let's say your three and a half year old son Marvin is playing with the puzzle and his play date Johnny wants a turn. You tell Marvin to share the puzzle and he just blocks his friend from playing with the puzzle with his body. Is he being selfish or is he just acting his age? Well, the answer to this is realistically don't expect sharing until again, three and a half to four years of age. Now that doesn't mean you shouldn't encourage generosity, but taking turns is probably the best way to do this at this age. Your toddler gets to play with the toy until he's finished, and then it's his friend's turn, or vice versa. So you can teach your child to ask for a turn. There are many benefits to this mindset, to this approach. For one, a child isn't interrupted, which is really respectful. In other words, if a child is playing with something, they get to play with it until they're finished, until they've figured out whatever it is they're working on. The other thing is, grudges aren't formed when kids aren't forced to share. And it teaches about sharing without insulting either child. Okay, I've got one more question. At what age do you expect a child to control her emotions? In other words, at what age do you expect a child not to get so worried, worked up when things don't go the way she wants? For instance, when you give juice in the blue cup, but it turns out your toddler wanted the red cup. At what age would you expect your toddler to manage that without having a meltdown? Now, if a toddler is frustrated, chances are he's gonna have a meltdown. Because a toddler can't use logic to talk himself down because that part of the brain is still under construction. So the answer is again, around three and a half to four years of age. Toddlers are just beginning to manage their emotions at that point. So I hope you can see that having realistic expectations allows you to bring calm to the chaos. You understand that a toddler's brain isn't capable of doing certain things, such as talking themselves down. It decreases frustration when you're not expecting a toddler to do things that are just never going to happen. This way you can be supportive instead of punitive. Realistic expectations means less yelling, snapping and angry words. Now, let's talk for a moment about the terrible twos. If we label 2 year olds as terrible, does that mean every passionate and emotional person is also terrible? Consider someone, let's say like Bruce Springsteen, who's known for his sort of raw and defiant songs. Was he terrible? Well, no. It's common to have unrealistic expectations of toddlers and feel frustrated and annoyed when they don't meet them. However, what we often perceive as misbehavior is simply a toddler acting his age. You know, toddlers, they really want to do well. They just don't know what that means at this age. And unfortunately, we often think we need to whip our toddlers into shape and But I want you to consider this for a moment. Think back to when your newborn cried. You'd immediately respond. You'd be eager, desperate to comfort and soothe them. Even if you had already woken up five times that night, you'd quickly jump up and attend to your baby's needs. However, as your toddler grows more independent and begins to resemble a mini adult, it's easy to overlook their vulnerability and their ongoing need for patience and compassion. Just like when they babies, we slap toddlers with the label terrible twos, which skews our responses. This label unfairly characterizes this stage as solely difficult and negative, and it prevents us from truly understanding and empathizing with these tiny tornadoes. But by discarding this label, we can approach toddlers with a more positive and compassionate mindset. Realistically, toddlers are essentially big babies who rely on us to create a safe and nurturing environment, just as they did when they were tiny infants. But by thinking about toddlers with the same tenderness and patience we provided during their early years, we can foster their emotional well being and build strong connections that support their growth and development. Toddlers need the same kindness and consideration as we gave them when they were babies, because after all, they're really just big babies. So let's wholeheartedly embrace the term toddlertastic, which celebrates the joys, challenges and discoveries of toddlerhood. Through a positive mindset, we create a brighter future for our toddlers and ourselves. We foster stronger bonds that will support lifelong development, and it will even nurture our own personal growth. In fact, thinking of this phase in your child's life as toddlertastic will make it easier for you. When we think in positive terms, we cope with everything better. We see toddlers as amazing little people instead of little problems to be managed. It also improves our connection and encourages us to think differently about challenges. The Toddler Years they really play a crucial role in establishing our discipline style. They shape our approach to handling problems, and they sort of set the foundation for future habits. And now you have the opportunity to break free from old parenting styles and find new approaches that truly work and match your values. So if you're looking to up your parenting game during these awesome toddler years, we've got something special for you. Check out our hugely popular toddler courses. They're packed with practical tips and real life strategies to help you tackle all those tricky toddler moments, to nurture your child's emotions and to create a happy, harmonious home. So say goodbye to the confusion and frustration and hello to becoming the cool and confident parent you really want to be. If this resonates with you and you'd like to learn more, check out the links in the show notes. I hope you have a wonderful week and happy parenting.
