What You Need to Know About Over-Clingy Kids

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minute or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mother of four amazing adult kids. And I just became a grandmother a few days ago. And then there's also Smudge My great big goldendoodle. Today we're discussing the challenges of dealing with overly clingy toddlers. We could call this the Snuggle struggle. As a pediatrician and a mom, I understand firsthand how confusing and emotionally draining it can be without Our little ones seem to want to be attached to us at all times. Actually, in a recent Instagram poll, 70% of parents described their toddlers as super clingy. So clearly, clinginess is a big problem for a lot of us. Now, if you're tired of your toddler pulling at your clothes every time you try and go to the washroom, and if setting up an arts and crafts project with the hope of getting some space ends up with your little one just wanting to sit on your lap, then you already know how confusing and challenging it can be to have a really clingy toddler. And having a little one constantly attached to you, it can be really emotionally draining. Now typically as parents, we react to the clinginess and we look at this tricky moment from our own perspective. We feel the burden of the clinginess and we worry about being manipulated and controlled. But we also feel confused. Why is my child so needy? However, when we put ourselves in our kids shoes, we can better understand what they're going through and why they're behaving in ways that are sometimes really hard to comprehend. Remember, handling these messy moments isn't really about changing our kids behavior, but it's about raising whole little human beings. So I want to spend a moment on this because it's a really important mind shift. When we focus on fixing misbehavior, we miss the opportunity to recognize the little unique person behind the behavior. So by shifting our focus from solely reacting to problems to truly understanding our toddlers, we can foster a deeper relationship and provide the support that they really need during these critical developmental stages. So let's start by considering what is happening with your toddler from a developmental perspective. Now, if you've already taken my course, Toddlers Made Easy, you already know how important this step is. Toddlers experience many conflicting feelings and thoughts. On the one hand, they're mobile now and they can participate more fully in the world. They can run away from you, but then you'll find they'll almost immediately turn around and cling to you like glue. And the reason for that is they're realizing they're individuals and they're capable of separating from you. And this new level of independence mixed with a continued need for adult support, it can be really confusing for children and it can lead to clinginess. There's all sorts of reasons for a child to become clingy. I do it myself can easily flip to earlier developmental stages where a child's every need is met without questions. In other words, toddlers can regress. Let's try this on. Think about a time when you came home from work stressed out and drained and all you wanted to do was curl up with a cozy blanket in front of the TV and eat some cereal and milk. Well, you were looking for a source of comfort, just like a toddler does when they're acting clingy. So it's normal for a toddler to flip flop between I want to be a big kid and I want to be a baby at the same time. One mom in my office described her toddler as so clingy that it seemed like her toddler wanted to crawl back inside of her. So I want to share Sophie's story and how she managed her three year old daughter Chelsea's suffocating clinginess. Now those were her words, not mine. Sophie was known for her ability to balance her coaching business with the challenges of motherhood. Sophie had built a thriving online community that relied on her for plant based eating guidance and inspiration. And to maintain her success, she needed to produce a steady stream of content for her clients and followers. And Sophie had a really good routine going where she could get her work done while Chelsea was playing. But one day, for no obvious reason, everything seemed to change. Now, Chelsea is a really bright and curious child, but she suddenly became very clingy. She would follow her mom around the house, holding onto her skirt, saying she needed help with things she was perfectly capable of doing. Now Chelsea's need for reassurance was making it really hard for Sophie to get her work done. Sophie's daily routine was becoming more and more challenging. She'd wake up early, hoping to squeeze in a few hours of work before Chelsea woke up. However, like clockwork, Chelsea would sense her mom's focus on her work and get out of bed and ask for a cuddle. Throughout the day, Sophie would try to keep Chelsea engaged with puzzles and games and activities and arts and crafts, hoping to buy herself just a little time to create something for her business. But it seemed as if the moment Sophie sat down to work, Chelsea would be right there, tugging at her sleeve and asking for help. Or simply wanting a hug. Hug. Sophie's frustration began to mount as her once thriving business was now struggling. Her clients and followers were beginning to notice the drop in her output, and she was getting scared that her reputation would be hurt. So in the evening, Sophie would sit on the couch with her laptop balanced on her knees, trying to catch up on her work. But even then, Chelsea would inevitably climb on her lap, ask for a bedtime story or to watch a cartoon together. Now, as much as Sophie absolutely adored her daughter and wanted to be there for her, she couldn't help but feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Sophie wasn't sure why Chelsea was backtracking in her development. She assumed it had to do with starting daycare, although it was confusing because Chelsea loved daycare, but she assumed it was possible to both love daycare and feel stressed about it. Sophie herself had had a difficult childhood, and so she made it a priority to always make sure that Chelsea felt seen and heard and understood and appreciated. So when Chelsea was super clingy, she said things like, you want to be close to me right now, that's okay. I'm here if you need a snuggle. She prepped Chelsea each morning so Chelsea knew exactly what to expect, even though they did pretty well the same thing every day. She helped Chelsea feel heard by getting down on her level when speaking with her and she focused her full attention on her. In those moments. Sophie helped Chelsea feel valued by sprinkling I love you sweetheart comments throughout the day, and she also spent 10 minutes of special time with her every single day. Now, if you're new to this podcast, let me explain. Special Time this is a research based way to encourage good behavior. So you let your child choose the activity and you basically follow her lead and you share 10 minutes of time together. No distractions, phones down, and you let your child basically lead the way. So Sophie gave Chelsea all the attention she seemed to need and within a few weeks Chelsea was back to playing more independently. So let's take a moment and talk about why this worked. Your child's behavior is telling you what she needs. Instead of pushing your child to be more independent, which may actually increase her neediness. Realize it's normal for some backsliding to occur, just like when you wanted to curl up on the couch and eat comfort food after a tough day. So I take a moment and think about what may have precipitated this regression. Sometimes you'll be able to identify a cause, but often you won't be able to. Kids are complicated and we don't know everything that they're thinking and feeling, so clinginess isn't a sign of weakness. You can help your child with clinginess by meeting his or her need for extra comfort by being proactive and actually jumping in and offering support. The clinginess will pass quicker when your child knows you're there if he or she needs you. So the goal is to actually be proactive. Meet your child's need for support by freely offering it. Now. This can feel really scary as it feels like you're encouraging dependency, but in fact it'll help build trust. So say things like I'm going to chop some carrots for our snack. Do you want to come and help me? Or you could say it's time to get ready for daycare. Do you want me to help you put on your shoes? Or do you want to do it yourself? You can also give your child a little nudge forward by saying things like, oh, you're really good at putting your shoes on, so I bet you'll feel ready to put them on yourself really soon. Also, encourage your child by asking for his help. Can you help me put the napkins out on the table? Give very small chores, ones that your child can complete and succeed. So just remember, occasional regressions are to be expected and it's not a sign of weakness. So meet your child's need for the extra help by being proactive and jumping in and offering support. The clinginess will pass quicker when she knows you're there if he or she needs you. And remember, back it up with a little forward nudge by highlighting your child's strengths and abilities. Do you want to make your parenting journey smoother? Check out our courses Toddler Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy Easy. They're full of actionable strategies and how to's and scripts and practical advice. These are your go to resource for navigating those messy toddler moments with confidence and ease. So if you're curious and you want to learn more, check out the link in our show notes. Thank you for tuning in and I'll see you next week. And happy parenting. Keep up the good job. Sam.