When Kids Laugh With Reprimands and What To Do About It

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I know you're crazy busy, so let's dive right in. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a general and consulting pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books and the mum of four amazing kids. Today we're going to talk about why kids laugh when they're reprimanded or corrected and what to do about it. I received this DM from a frustrated and confused mom from Ohio and here's the message I received. I told my three year old, Lily to come to the table for dinner and she completely ignored me. So I asked her again nicely and she covered her ears. I raised my voice and yelled, get over here right now. She stuck out her tongue and she ran in the opposite direction. Lily also laughs at me when I show any signs of being annoyed. She's got a bad attitude and I'm worried about what's coming. Please help. Well, thank you for sharing your story, Frustrated and Confused Mom. I'm sure it's really challenging dealing with what seems like really sassy behavior, but I'm going to reassure you about that. So let's talk about what's really going on when a toddler laughs or smiles or puts her hands over her ears. When corrected, she she's not purposefully being rude. We can't look at this behavior through an adult lens. As usual, we need to consider this from a toddler's perspective. A child may feel a variety of emotions when getting corrected or reprimanded. They may feel nervous or they may feel shameful or confused or embarrassed or just uneasy or uncomfortable. They realize they've done something wrong, but they don't necessarily understand the problem. So smirking and laughing and smiling and giggling and covering the ears or even sticking out their tongue are a toddler's coping mechanism to help them deal with the difficult or uncomfortable feelings. This is especially true with sensitive kids. And the same thing even goes with running away or getting hostile or angry. It's all coping mechanisms. They laugh because they don't know what to do with these intense feelings. A toddler may feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to react, and laughter can be a way for them to release some of that tension and discomfort. Kiddos don't have the insight or communication skills to say, hey, that hurt my feelings. So instead their discomfort comes out in their behavior. And this is especially common in younger children who are still learning how to navigate all these social situations. And they don't understand appropriate behaviors. Our job is to help them recognize this and avoid knee jerk reactions. Now, before we move on, let's just look at a few other reasons why kids sometimes laugh when they're being corrected. So sometimes toddlers, they just feel embarrassed. Children are still learning about the social norms and they may not always understand what is expected of them. So. So laughter can be just a way for them to cope with the confusion and negative emotions. Also, toddlers have a hard time expressing themselves. They may find it difficult to express their thoughts or their feelings, especially when stressed out. Laughter can be a way for them to communicate their discomfort or confusion without using words. Now, while it's completely natural and understandable that you'd feel irritated and maybe even hurt, this would be one of those moments. To think my kiddo is just a toddler acting his age. It's not a matter of lacking empathy or respect. This is how your child makes the uncomfortable feelings go away. In fact, this typically reflects that your child is actually really sensitive and empathetic. So it can be tempting to get upset or angry when your child laughs during a reprimand, but it's important to remain calm. Losing your temper can actually escalate the situation and make it more difficult for your child to take the reprimand seriously. Unfortunately, because a child who laughs when she's reprimanded appears rude, you may react to your toddler in ways that aggravate the situation by saying things like, you think this is funny? Who do you think you are? Or stop it right now. So what is the best way to respond? Well, first you need to reframe the behavior. Don't interpret the sassy reaction as defiance. Don't ask your toddler to apologize or demand that they look at you. Also, don't try and teach or use logic in these moments. Your child can't use reasoning when he's all worked up. A toddler's brain is still developing and the logical and impulse control areas, they're not yet fully developed. So a child who feels uncomfortable with perceived slights will benefit from the feeling of intimacy with you before being corrected. And that's the connect before correct saying so. Children feel safer when you connect with them before correcting their behavior. Now, you can do this just by acknowledging their feelings. Also, sometimes squat down and talk to them eye to eye. That's a very powerful way to connect. If you've already taken my course, you know about the easy method, and this is a system I created to help you manage tricky toddler moments without losing your cool or forgetting your priorities. Now, I'll just take a quick moment, in case you don't know about this method, to go over it. So the easy method is an acronym that stands for E, which is evaluate, A is acknowledge, S is set limits, and Y is moved to the S. And rather than explain each of the steps, let's just apply it to this situation. So E is for evaluate. In other words, this is the moment where you take stock of your emotions and you let them calm down before saying a word. Think about this as creating a space between your child's behavior and your reaction to it. And in this space, you do whatever it takes to help your nervous system, which is probably all revved up. You help it calm down for you. That might be taking some deep breaths, it might be saying a mantra, it might be closing your eyes. As long as safety isn't an issue, your child's in a safe space. Then take your time, let your nervous system calm down, and then deal with the situation. So the next step would be A acknowledge. And that's where you acknowledge your child's feelings. And because that helps you to connect with them, which will make everything easier. So in this situation, you could say something like, you're upset that mummy told you to stop pulling Smudge's tail. The next step is the one that most parents find hardest, and that's where you're sticking to your limits. So you'd say something like, I understand that telling you to stop pulling Smudge's tail made you feel uncomfortable, and that's why you laughed. I get it. But it's still not okay to hurt your dog. But we also want our kids to know, well, while I can't do this, I can do that. And that's the why of easy. And that stands for yes or move to the yes, or find the yes. Which really means find something your child can do. So in this situation, I usually suggest you find something you can do that's related to what they can't do. So in this situation, you could say, let's go feed Smudge instead of pulling his tail. Now, often at this point, a parent asks me, should I force my child to apologize? It's rude what they've done. They need to apologize. And I'd ask you to go listen to our episode should you'd force kids to apologize? It's from September 28th. But in the meantime, let me tell you, I'm not a great fan of forcing apologies for a few good reasons. The first one is you can't actually force a child to apologize, which means you're inviting a power struggle. Also, if your child does comply and apologize well, you have to wonder, what does the apology really mean? Do they even understand what it means? So instead of forcing an apology, you can model it for them. You can say, hey, Smudge, Leonard is really sorry he pulled your tail. Also, wait till a time when life is calm and give your child a redo. And this is an opportunity to teach your child ways to respond to correction without laughter or smirking. Ask your child, can you think of a better way of responding and make that into play and practice different ways of responding when reprimanded. Also, instead of focusing on the behavior you don't like, give more attention to the behaviors you do like. And this is a terrific way to inspire good behavior without any punishment or shame. If you'd like to learn more about ways to manage tricky toddler moments, check out our Toddler Made Easy online course. You'll find the links in the show notes. This is the only course you'll need to calmly manage these crazy, awesome years. Now, if you have a problem that you'd like answered on the podcast, send me a DM over on Instagram for consideration. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much for tuning in and we'll talk again soon.