When Toddlers Grab Toys: Navigating Sharing Struggles

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My great big golden doodle. Welcome. Today we're going to be talking about how to manage the situation when a toddler grabs a toy from another child. Sharing can really be a bit tough for toddlers, and they're really good reasons for this. You see, sharing is about more than just being a good kid or being generous. It's about a toddler being able to see things from another child's perspective. It's about controlling their impulses. That's also about social skills and even their ability to understand. Time sharing is a skill that toddlers are still figuring out because these abilities aren't all present right away. It's not until about three and a half to four years of age that a toddler is starting to get better at controlling their impulses, which means they can resist grabbing a toy from another child. This is all part of learning about empathy, and that's about when a toddler begins to understand how another child feels. Let's look at this situation from a young child's perspective. Young toddlers grab toys as a way of saying, hey, let's play together. They also grab a toy because they think, wow, what you're doing is really cool and I want to try that. You see, they're learning how to navigate their social world and grabbing toys is completely normal at this point. There are a couple of hurdles that toddlers have to overcome before they really get sharing. First, there's that whole thing about figuring out who they are as individuals. You know, like toddlers are just starting to understand that they're separate people from everyone else. And this self awareness, it doesn't really kick in until they're about three and a half to four years of age.

And it's a really big deal because.

It'S only when they get this sense of self that they can start to really understand what a situation looks like from another's perspective. And that's what precedes generosity and sharing.

Then there's the challenge of getting their heads around ideas that are a little bit more abstract. Things like who owns what, how long they need to wait for their turn, and the concept even of just taking turns. These aren't easy concepts for little ones. Telling a toddler to wait five minutes to play with a toy can be like speaking another language to them. They're still just getting the hang of what time means. So when your toddler grabs a toy and yells mine, it's not about being selfish. It's just where they are in their developmental journey. They're learning about boundaries, who owns what, and how to play well with others. It's part of growing up and out figuring, figuring out how to interact in this big world. It's super important to remember that this is a normal stage in their growth and they'll get the hang of sharing with a little time, guidance, and trust. In other words, although it's not easy, there's no reason to get angry at your toddler when they grab a toy from another child. Instead, it's really just a teaching opportunity. So let's get really practical here. Let's look at some scenarios and talk about how to handle them in a way that is, let's say, big hearted. So the first scenario is about a young toddler grabbing a toy from another child. So Harry, who is now 20 months old, has just taken his baby sister Chelsea's favorite caterpillar book. Chelsea's a bit confused, but she's not really visibly upset. So this parent recognized that this is something Harry does quite often. So she decides, okay, you know, if it was just a one off, fine, but he's doing this all the time. So she kneels down beside Harry and says, hey, honey, this is Chelsea's favorite book. But I see that you really want to read it too. How about we read it together and then go find another book for Chelsea? So together they spend a few minutes with the Caterpillar book, and then the parent helps Harry pick out another colorful book for his sister. How about this one for Chelsea? Harry asks.

So now Harry is really engaged in the process of trying to find something to make his sister happy. And this moment teaches Harry about empathy and also in the joy in making others happy. And this is an essential part of sharing. So I want you to see in this lesson how it's possible to teach a child something without any finger wagging. Let's look at another scenario. Let's say a toddler refuses to share at a playgroup. So we're at a playgroup and Samantha, who is three years old, suddenly grabs a doll from her friend Jill. The unexpected action leads to tears from both girls and it creates a bit of a tense moment over this precious doll. Now, Samantha's dad doesn't want to immediately jump in. He holds back to see if the kids can work this out on their own this time. Turns out they can't and things are escalating. So he sits down at their level and he calmly says, what has just happened? He says, samantha, you've really wanted to play with the doll that Jill had. And Jill, you were already playing with it and you got upset when Samantha grabbed it away. Can you two figure out how to solve this problem? There's only one doll and there's two kids who want to play with it. Now, this technique is known as sportscasting and it's a gentle way to guide children in understanding their conflicts and working towards a solution independently. It demonstrates trust in a child's ability to solve problems and it's free from judgment and shame. It's worth noting that even preverbal children often have a greater understanding than what we might think. And so sport casting works well with preverbal kids too. Now, if the children are unable to find a solution by themselves, and that's going to be quite frequent when a child is young, well, then it's helpful for the parent to offer some constructive suggestions. For example, this dad said, how about you guys take turns? Jill, you can play with the doll until you're done and then it's Samantha's turn. This is a great method, turn taking, because it teaches children valuable skills in problem solving and negotiation and just even the concept of taking turns. Now let's look at grabbing toys in a public setting. Let's say you're at the park and you don't know the other families there. So in this situation, this one mom was at the park when her 18 month old son Sean grabs a truck from another child and that child begins to cry. Now, the situation draws the attention of the child's mother and other parents and everybody's looking at you. While you in general may believe it's best to give kids a chance to see if they can resolve things on their own, you just don't feel comfortable in this situation given that you don't know this family and what their philosophy or approach to grabbing toys is. So let's face it, when things happen in public like this, especially when it's.

Families you don't know, you need an.

Approach that soothes everyone. While Shawn's mom would typically hold back and just see how the kids sorted it out between themselves, in this situation, she decided to intervene. And here's what Shawn's mom says. She said to Sean, you grabbed the toy from this little boy, and now he's crying. How can we help him feel better?

Let's go and see.

And then they went over to the other child, apologized to the child and gave him the truck.

And the value in this is that.

Shawn learned what a heartfelt apology sounds.

Like, and the little boy felt that.

The strangers cared that he was upset. And I just want to add in.

A little tip here. I want you to notice that Shawn's mom avoided the typical knee jerk reaction and sort of nudging her kid to.

Go, say you're sorry.

Apologies at this age are a really fuzzy concept, but at the same time, they're important. So giving the apology on your child's behalf teaches your child about how to.

Give a really heartfelt apology.

Then later, when everything was calm, Shawn's mom adds, you really wanted to play with that truck, didn't you? Next time you could say something like, hi, can I have a turn when you're finished? So again, do you see how we've.

Used the moment to teach our child something about sharing?

What about when toddlers want the same toy? This is a situation that occurred in daycare recently that I wanted to share with you. So as the toddlers were reaching for the same toy car, the daycare worker stands back and gives the kids a few moments to see if they can resolve it on their own. But when things were escalating, she steps in and says, I see both of you want to play with this car. It looks like a really fun toy. But here's the thing. You both want the toy, and there's only one toy car right now. How can we solve this? Now, because these are young toddlers, the daycare worker prompts them with, why don't you take turns?

You see, this method allows the first child to play with the car until they're naturally finished with it, which is really beneficial because uninterrupted play stretches a child's attention span, and it also provides room for repetition, which is what's needed for learning. Now, when the first child is done, she gets a gentle reminder to return the toy to the toy shelf so the friend can have a turn. I love turn taking because there are lessons in it for everyone. The child waiting learns about frustration tolerance, and the other child gets a solid learning learning moment. Although taking turns sounds pretty straightforward, young toddlers still need your support to be able to carry this out. Now, let's look at a few key takeaways from today. The first thing is, if we jump in right away, kids learn to depend on us to show them what's fair. However, young toddlers can often sort out sharing issues on their own. So ideally, as long as safety isn't an issue, hold back and give your kids a chance to solve these grabbing moments between themselves. Now, as I teach in my course, sportscasting is a parenting technique where a parent neutrally narrates the events happening between children. Similar to a sports commentator, this method involves describing actions and possible feelings without taking any sides or assigning blame. The goal of sportscasting is to help children become aware of their actions and their impact on others. It fosters empathy and self awareness, and by narrating the situation factually, parents encourage children to view the scenario from multiple perspectives and develop problem solving skills. And lastly, taking turns is an effective first step in learning to share. But please plan to support your children as they learn to take turns. Thank you so much for listening today. If you'd like to share a story or ask me a question, please send me an email@drcatherinealthiest-baby.com you'll find that email address in the Show Notes Parenting is really hard. It really is. But if you're looking for some solid and reliable parenting advice that's both empowering and confidence boosting, check out our courses in the Show Notes. There's Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy Online courses. And remember, you're already a big hearted parent. So have a lovely week and we'll talk soon. Sa.