When Your Toddler Refuses To Sit On The Potty

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge my great big golden doodle. Welcome back to Toddlers Made Easy. Every parent hits a few bumps on the road and today we're tackling a biggie when your kiddo flat out refuses to sit on the potty. But don't sweat it. We've got some solid practical tips here that are ready for you that will help you turn this potty challenge into a manageable part of your day. So let's get into it. I'm going to start off by sharing a DM I received from Jill from Minnesota. Hi Dr. Catherine, I'm at my wit's end here. Our sweet little girl, who has used the potty successfully before and even shown signs of readiness, is downright refusing to even glance at the darn thing. We gave potty training a go this past weekend, but we had to throw in the towel when she resorted to holding in her pee pee rather than using the potty. It feels like we've tried everything in the book, from modeling to role playing with her toys. I'm just not sure what to do next and I feel like I've failed my little girl. Well, Jill, thank you for sharing your experience and let me reassure you, you are absolutely not alone. First and foremost, I want to reassure you that feeling overwhelmed or even defeated at times, it doesn't mean you're failing your child. Even though it may feel that way. Feeling like you failed is a sign that you care deeply about being the best parent you can be. And this is just a little hiccup and I'm going to share with you some strategies to manage it. When your child refuses to use the potty, it can feel like you're at a standstill and it's natural to second guess yourself feeling like you've somehow let down your child. But it's important to remember every child is different with their own timeline and willingness and readiness for learning new skills, including using the potty. Sometimes the harder we push, the more our children push back, and this resistance isn't because of failure on your part, but it's simply part of toddler development. When the resistance continues, sometimes the best thing to do is step Back and then pivot. Potty training can be pretty daunting. And you've probably already heard tales of chaotic boot camps. Little ones putting their foot down and refusing to use the potty or even preschool saying no because your little rock star isn't out of diapers yet. But take a deep breath. Our program is based on a fresh way to tackle potty training. I truly believe that understanding what this whole big kid bathroom business feels like from your kiddo's perspective makes a world of difference. This big hearted perspective is often missed, but it's incredibly important. So let's step into our toddler sneakers for a moment and consider potty training refusal from their point of view. So here's what a toddler may be. I'm not interested in changing where I go pee or poop, thank you very much. I don't like being pushed. I need to feel in control. I can say no and you can't make me pee or poop. I don't like change. From a developmental perspective, potty training comes at a time when kids are craving more independence. If they sense that you're trying to control them, they're likely to rebel. And potty training becomes a big power struggle. Now that doesn't mean you've done something wrong. Every child is different and a child's temperament plays a huge role in how potty training unravels. So let's consider how to manage a potty power struggle. Now that we've considered things from a toddler's perspective, we can see that a laid back approach is going to be more effective. As you go forward, your child will feel in control and proud of his or her accomplishments. So step out of the mindset that faster is better. You're not a better parent if you potty train in three days as opposed to seven days or even 14 days or three months. There is no race. A relaxed approach empowers your child with decision making skills and it boosts their independence and body awareness. And even better yet, it strengthens your relationship. So let's focus on the big picture and not just saying goodbye to diapers. Our first step in overcoming a child's resistance is to get on the same team. A power struggle implies you're on opposite sides of the fence or on opposite teams. So how do you do this? Well, you help your child feel seen and understood. You acknowledge their feelings like this. Sometimes you're interested in using the potty and sometimes you really don't want to. I get it, sweetheart. Can you just imagine how reassuring that would be until you feel ready to reintroduce the potty. I'd model bathroom routines here and there once a day or every other day. Just mention, oh, I have that feeling that I need to go pee. I'm going to go sit on the toilet and let my pee out there. Just say something like that. And then when you're ready, let's talk about how to pivot. So let me show you what go day or the first day of potty training from a pivoted perspective or a laid back perspective would look like. Once you feel ready to tackle potty training again, I'd start off with a little experiment. And toddlers are like the smallest scientists in the world, so this usually catches their interest. So what I want you to do is get a pair of underwear, a diaper, pull ups and a potty. And then put water in a pitcher and let your child pour water into the diaper, into the undies, into the potty, into the pull up. Keep the atmosphere neutral and free of judgment. But this is where your child gets to observe the results of each of these experiments. You're not pushing for one option over the other. You're simply showing your child what happens in each case. Let your child draw their own conclusions. This hands on activity lets your child explore and understand the different options at their own pace. It's a great way to ignite their curiosity and promote understanding, all while keeping the whole process fun and pressure free. Now this segues into asking what they would like to wear today and where they would like to pee. Undies, diaper, pull up, potty. Here's where you need to watch your approach. You're not the teacher enforcing potty use, but your role is the supporter. In other words, you support your child in whichever way she decides to pee or poop. Allow your child to make the choice. Diapers, undies, pull up, potty. Be neutral about whichever choice your child makes. So avoid saying things like are you sure you don't want to try the potty? Or why don't you just give it a try and wear some undies. You did so well the other day. Don't respond differently to your child's choices. Just say something like okay, good choice. Or you could say, boy, you're really good at making choices. Potty trading is often perceived as an all or nothing endeavor. You're either potty training or you're not, but there's actually an in between position one where you empower your toddler to choose where they want to go pee and poop. Diapers potty undies. Each time nature calls, this should be a decision. There's no right or wrong, good or bad. You're just there to support your toddler as they grapple with saying goodbye to diapers. As you can see, there's more to potty training than just saying goodbye to diapers. The process matters. So let's also take a look at some things not to do as these can be as important as the to do's. First, in order to be careful not to put any pressure on your toddler, be careful how you phrase things. So instead of saying hey, I'm wondering if your body is telling you it's time to pee, like that's what the usual recommendation we give. But in this situation where we're being even more careful not to put any subtle pressure on your child, I would really hand the decision making over to them and phrase it like, hey kiddo, is there a funny feeling in your belly? What do you think would make it feel better? Notice how we're transferring the responsibility to the child, reminding them that they understand their body best. The next thing is don't over talk things. The more you overtalk potty training, the more it feels like pressure again. So let's rehash before going if your child is resistant to even sitting on the potty or you've tried and given up on previous attempts, you need to pivot and take an approach that puts the decision making in your child's hands. Every move you make, every choice you decide should be rooted in a no pressure mindset that hands the reins over to your child. This method not only empowers your little one, but it'll also enhance body awareness, self confidence, it'll curb frustration and behavioral issues and and it's all about letting your toddler lead the way. Now if you'd like a more complete step by step guide, take a look at our super comprehensive, laid back loving approach to potty training. It's called Potty Training Made Easy. It's an online course and you'll find the link in the show notes. See you all next week and Happy Parent Sa.