Why Forcing Kids to Share Backfires (And What to Do Instead)

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Picture this. You're at the park. It's a beautiful afternoon. Your toddler is playing in the sandbox when suddenly she leans over and screams, "Mine!" And she grabs a truck from the child sitting next to her. The other child starts crying. Your child is clutching that truck like her life depends on it, and you, well, you're standing there feeling totally humiliated. All eyes are on you. The other parents are watching. You can feel the judgment. Your face is hot. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, and today we're going to talk about big-hearted ways to see and solve sharing challenges. Here's what I want you to know right from the start. Your young child isn't selfish for not sharing, and you're not failing as a parent, and forcing them to share in that moment can actually make things worse. Today we're going to flip the script on sharing. We're going to talk about why mine is actually a great milestone, not a problem, and I'm going to give you practical tools you can use right away. So let's start off with a question from one of the moms in our community. Dr. Cathryn Tobin Tobin, every time I take my 2-year-old to the playground, he immediately wants to grab other kids' toys. And when I tell him he can't, he starts crying. What can I do? Thank you very much for your email, and I want to reassure you, this is a very, very common problem that everyone goes through. So let me explain first why sharing is so hard for young kids. It makes it easier to manage when you understand why it's happening. So first of all, toddlers have immature brains. I know you know that. The impulse control areas, they're still under construction. They literally don't have the brain wiring yet to stop themselves from grabbing that toy from the other child's hand. Secondly, they don't yet understand they're a separate person. They can't see a situation from another person's point of view, which is necessary for understanding sharing. And lastly, they don't understand that things belong to other people. In their world, if they want it, it should be theirs. And here's a big one: toddlers don't really understand time. So when you say, "You can have a turn in 5 minutes," that means absolutely nothing to them. 5 minutes might as well be 5 years. So when your toddler grabs a toy and cries, "Mine!" they're not being selfish. They're being a toddler with a brain that's still under construction. So let's talk about expectations, because this is where a lot of the frustration comes from. Years ago, I did an informal poll in my office and I found that 44% of parents thought their kids should be able to share by 2 years of age. But guess what? Kids don't even start to understand the concept of sharing until around 4 to 5 years of age. And that means they're just starting at that point. I know we want our kids to stand up for themselves, and we also want them to be generous and caring. And the good news is both are possible, but it takes time and the right approach. Now, before we go any further, I want you to imagine something. You're at work. You're using your laptop to complete a project. A coworker walks up and says, I need your laptop right now. Give it to me. And your boss actually comes over and literally grabs it out of your hand and says, Jack forgot his computer, so you have to share yours. Now give it to him now. Well, realistically, how would you feel about that? Would it make you more likely to want to share in the future? Absolutely not. You'd feel resentful and you'd feel more protective of your things. In fact, you'd start to guard them. And this is pretty much what toddlers experience when we force sharing. So where does that leave us? Well, again, we want our kids to be generous and we want them to be considerate. So the most important thing is to take blame out of the equation and recognize that your toddler needs direction. Not judgment. So let's go back to that mom's question about her little guy who keeps grabbing toys. And honestly, we probably would deal with things slightly differently in front of strangers than with friends. So I'm going to give you several options that will cover all those situations. But before we get there, remember, safety is always the greatest priority. Kids can get aggressive when fighting over toys. So step in early if needed, and then say something like, you're really sad you can't play with that truck right now. I get it, but it's not okay to grab. Let's give the little boy the truck and go look for something you can play with. Notice what we're doing. We're acknowledging the feeling. We're setting the boundary. We're keeping everyone safe, and we're not using shame or blame. And later, when your child is calm, you could say, Next time you want something, try asking, can I have a turn? And then you can practice that. Do it with the toys. Role play. Another powerful tool is sportcasting. Now I find this works better with slightly older children, not young toddlers, but older ones. Sportcasting is when you narrate what's happening without any judgment. And it sounds something like this. You want the shovel that little boy is using. "he doesn't want to stop playing with it right now. You seem frustrated." Sportscasting helps kids resolve things on their own without punishment or judgment or blame. And if your young child cries when they don't get the toy, give them space to feel that frustration and say, "You're sad you can't play with that toy. I know, sweetheart, it's really hard." Feelings are valid and we don't have to fix them. We just need to acknowledge them. Now let's talk about strategies you can use proactively to teach your child about sharing. So the first thing is you can prep your child. Rehearse what to do when they get to the park and someone has a toy they want. You could say, when you see a toy another child is playing with, you can ask, can I have a turn? Then role play the situation, and this is really powerful learning. The next thing is you could bring some special park toys with you. And just before you leave the house, remind your child how to ask for a turn and practice what your child will do if somebody wants a turn with their toy. And the next thing is model sharing. Kids learn more from examples we set than the words we say. Narrate when you share. So say something like, "Hey sweetheart, would you like a bite of my bagel?" I'll share it with you. So here's the big takeaway. When we force kids to share before they're developmentally ready, the lesson they learn is that sharing means losing something. Most kids, they're ready to start learning about sharing around 3.5 years of age, and it's a slow process. Your kids will pick it up bit by bit. So what do we do in the meantime? We teach turn-taking. You can play with the truck until you're finished, and then it's your friend's turn, and then it can go back to you. Also, respect your child's no when possible. If they don't want to share a toy, encourage them to play with it as long as they want, but then to give it to their friend. And if your child doesn't want to share a special toy, that's okay. Keep it upstairs. This way they're learning boundaries. Stay empathetic. You're sad you can't play with the truck. I get it, but it's not okay to grab it. And then redirect your child to, let's find something you can play with. Model sharing as well. Now let me leave you with this. Your child isn't bad if they grab toys. You're not a bad parent if your toddler is grabby. Young toddlers don't share because they're not developmentally ready. Be a good example, be proactive, practice at home when things are calm, and remember, mine is a milestone, not a character flaw. Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy. It's where I help you end pushback and tantrums and mealtime and bedtime chaos. We'll bring out the best in your child. And the best part is you can do this in under 5 minutes a day. You'll find the link in the show notes. Thanks for listening. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.