A short podcast episode by Dr. Cathryn (Cathryn Tobin) explaining why preschool-aged children tattle and offering practical, research-based parenting strategies to reduce tattling while preserving safety-reporting. The host describes developmental reasons (shift from physical aggression to seeking adult validation, limited problem-solving skills), differentiates tattling from reporting safety concerns, gives example parent–child dialogues and role-play suggestions, and recommends brief daily one-on-one playtime and reflective pauses before responding.
Chapters
Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience, the author of two parenting books and the founder of Healthiest Baby. Not to mention I'm the mother of four a.m. amazing adult kids. And then there's Smudge My Great Big Goldendoodle. Today we're going to be talking about why kids tattle and what to do about it. Three and a half year old Sam is a sweet kid, but he's in the habit of tattling on his older brother Eric, who is just six years old. Whenever Eric does something that Sam thinks isn't nice or fair, he runs to his parents and tells on him. For example, if Eric takes one of Sam's toys or accidentally drops something, Sam runs to his parents and says Eric did it. Or he'll say I'm telling. Now, before we talk about what to do, let's think about why a toddler would tattletale. As I say in my toddler course, it helps to understand what is happening from a developmental perspective. Tattling happens after a child has stopped managing problems in physical ways like hitting or biting, but he or she hasn't yet developed more sophisticated way of solving things. Children who tattle have enough social and emotional skills to stop the hitting, but not enough to solve problems without some help. So a two year old will hit and a preschooler will tattletale. Now preschools are starting to understand right from wrong. They're very literal or concrete thinkers, and they can get really upset when the rules aren't followed. Now, most often when a toddler tattles, he's basically saying, I need you to hear me out and I need you to be infuriated along with me, but I don't really need you to do anything about it. But there's also other reasons for tattling. A toddler may tattle to exert their power and see if they can get a rise out of you. They may tattle purely because they can't get their sib or their friend to cooperate with them and they want some help. But toddlers may also tattle to get back at a sib who's hurt their feelings one way or another. They want to get the other person in trouble sometimes. And a toddler may also just be looking for approval or for one upping their siblings or they may be looking for some appreciation. They may even think tattling is the right thing to do because toddlers love to follow the rules. Plus, toddlers can't really distinguish between big rule breaking and tiny rule breaking. So, having said all that, how should adults respond to tattling? The first step is to reflect before you correct. And this is something that I've mentioned many times because it's a powerful parenting tool. Create a space or a moment between your child's behavior and your response to it. In other words, just pause for a moment before saying a word. Then use this moment to let your nervous system calm down. Now, you can manage those messy moments with calm and respect. So now think. Given that tattling reflects a lack of skills to manage problems, it makes sense to respond with respect and to show your toddler that you understand. So say something like, it upsets you when your brother grabs your toy. When you say that, you're acknowledging your child's voice, which will diminish his or her need to snitch. Now, you don't need to jump in and solve the problem, but instead ask your child, how can we solve XYZ or whatever's going on? This way, you empower your child to manage problems. Instead of sending the message that an adult is needed to deal with sibs and peers, or when your kids tattle because they feel someone is breaking the rules, you can acknowledge your child's feelings like this. Sometimes kids don't follow the rules, and I can see that that upsets you because you try really hard to do the right thing and then that's it. You don't need to go and criticize the other child. Now, on the flip side, there's a good side to one aspect of tattling that we need to consider. When your child informs you about a safety issue, it isn't really tattling. It's more like reporting. So reporting is letting you know about something that is potentially worrisome. Now, if the information protects or it helps someone else, then this is informing and not tattling. But kids don't really get this differentiation. A toddler anyways, let's say an older child is upstairs crying. If the younger child were to come and tell you that he's not really tattling, he's informing and letting you know there's something that needs attention. So while we want to eventually shut down the tattling, we never want our kids to feel uncomfortable letting us know that something is bothering them or bothering somebody, or that something is making them feel uncomfortable. So how can we reduce tattling without shutting down reporting? Well, let's look at this practically. I received this email last week about how to handle tattling and I'd like to share it with you. Hey there Dr. Catherine. I wanted to reach out to you because I'm having some trouble with my three and a half year old daughter, Tiffany. She's been tattling like crazy lately and I'm not sure how to deal with it. She tattles about every little thing tiff runs to me or my husband to tell us about it. Now don't get me wrong, I love that she feels comfortable talking to us, but I also want to teach her how to handle things on her own and not to tattle on her friends or her siblings over every little small thing. I'm scared kids won't like her if she keeps tattletelling or they'll call her a baby. I've tried talking to her about it, but she probably doesn't really understand. So I was hoping that maybe you could give me some advice or some tips on how to handle this before it becomes a bigger problem. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I'm really looking forward to hearing from you and learning how to help my little one become a better problem solver and a good friend to others. Take care, Ruth. So hi Ruth, thank you for sharing your story. Thank you. Tattling is a very common problem and understanding why toddlers tattle makes it easier to equip your child with the skills needed to stop snitching. So let's look at a few things not to say and then we'll talk about how to handle things. Here are a few phrases I would stop being a tattletale. I don't want to hear it. Don't be a baby. Mind your own business. Get over it. Now when we realize that tattling means a toddler has moved past using his body to get his point across, but at the same time he doesn't yet have the social skills needed to solve problems, we can focus on equipping him or her with the skills needed to handle things on our own. The first thing to do is to help your child feel seen and heard. When your child feels seen, her need to tattletale gradually diminishes. You can empower your child by equipping her with the tools to manage problems on her own. Give her the words she needs by saying things like you're upset that your sister wouldn't share. I get it. But what could you say to her? How could you work this out? How do you think she'll react when you say that? What else could you say or do if she still won't share? I'd even role play this scenario so your child can practice problem solving. Ultimately, you don't need to take sides or get involved most of the time. With time, tattletailing will fizzle out, but in the meantime, also remember the power of exclusive time or special time or magic time, whatever you want to call it. For just 10 minutes a day, let your child choose what she wants to do and then the two of you do that together. Playing with your toddler, just the two of you for 10 minutes a day is a research based way to ease messy toddler behaviors. Now, are you struggling with tantrums and picky eating and sibling rivalry, yelling or other tricky toddler moments? If so, check out our best selling Toddlers Made Easy online course and become the sturdy kind mom you want to be. There's a link in the show Notes to learn more about this popular course. If you're interested, have a lovely week and happy parenting.
