Why Punishments Don't Work — And What To Do Instead!

Are you really buying a car online on AutoTrader right now? Really. I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget. You can really have it delivered? Or pick it up. Mommy's home! I think kid is walking up the slide. Really? AutoTrader. Buy your car online. Really. Smokey the Bear. Smokey the Bear. Then you know why Smokey tells you when he sees you passing through. Remember, please be careful. It's the least that you can do. After 80 years of learning his wildfire prevention tips, Smokey Bear lives within us all. Learn more at SmokeyBear.com and remember, only you can prevent wildfires. Brought to you by the USDA Forest Service, your state forester, and the Ad Council. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, your host, and this is the podcast that skips all that fluff and dives straight into the good stuff. Now, if we haven't met yet, here's a quick intro. I'm a pediatrician with 35 years of experience, a mom to 4 amazing and grown kids, and I share my life with one giant goofy golden doodle whose name is Smudge, who thinks he's my 5th child, and today we're talking about why you should stop punishing toddlers and what to do instead. If you've ever found yourself at a loss after a meltdown or questioning whether timeouts or other fear-based strategies are really working, well, you're in the right place. So let's get started. When your toddler throws their favorite toy and screams "no" for the 10th time, or refuses to sit still during dinner, it can really feel overwhelming. Many of us were raised with the idea that punishment teaches kids right from wrong. But here's the thing: punishing toddlers doesn't actually teach the lessons we hope it will. In fact, research shows it often leads to confusion, frustration, and more challenging behavior down the road. And so today we're going to dive into why punishment isn't the best way to handle toddler misbehavior and explore a big-hearted, research-backed approach that works better for both you and your child. Many parents fear that without punishment, their child will grow up spoiled, rude, or entitled, something none of us want. It's a worry that comes up in everyday parenting scenarios. For instance, your toddler grabs a toy from another child shouting, "Mine!" You feel embarrassed and you wonder if sending him to his room for a timeout is the only way to stop that behavior. Or let's say maybe your 4-year-old ignores you when you call dinnertime and your partner suggests sending him to his room without dinner to teach him a lesson, but you're not feeling so sure about that approach. So let's pause for a moment and imagine something. You and your partner have a heated disagreement, and then he or she tells you, "Go sit in your room alone until you calm down." Well, how would you feel? Would you think, "Oh, you're right, sweetheart. I need to do things differently"? Hmm, not likely. More likely, you'd feel hurt and resentful. Well, the same thing goes for kids. Punishment doesn't inspire reflection or teach better behavior in the long run. Instead, while your child may adjust her immediate behavior, it also creates disconnection, anger, confusion, and actually more misbehavior down the road. You see, research overwhelmingly shows that fear-based punishment is not truly effective in the long run, and it may even have some harmful effects. For instance, your toddler, let's say, hits his sibling during a squabble over a toy, and you respond by yelling and sending both kids to their rooms. Well, the next day your toddler hits his sister even harder. So what did your child learn from being sent to his room? That's a good question. A study published in Pediatrics found that harsh discipline was associated with higher levels of aggression in children. Instead of teaching self-control, it can model aggression as an acceptable way of handling conflicts. And not only that, fear-based discipline undermines learning. Let's say your toddler spills his juice and you scold him and you take away his favorite toy for the afternoon. Well, your child doesn't really learn anything from this that will help him do better the next time. In fact, research from the Journal of Neuroscience shows that fear-based methods like yelling or spanking, well, they actually activate that fight-or-flight response in the brain. This stress then shuts down the learning centers, making it even harder for children to understand and remember lessons. The Journal of Family Psychology reported that frequent punishment is linked to higher rates of anxiety and depression in children. As well as a strained parent-child relationship. For instance, your child throws food on the floor during dinner. You send her to her room, but the next night she does it again. Why? She hasn't learned what to do instead, like saying "all done" or using her "no thank you" bowl. And one last study is a review in Child Development concluded that punishment might suppress behavior temporarily, but it doesn't provide children with the skills they need to behave better in the future. So you see, punishment often leads to feelings of shame, which can significantly impact a child's development. When children feel shamed, their brains become overwhelmed with negative emotions, and that essentially shuts down their ability to learn. And this is especially concerning during the first 5 years of life. As you know, I often mention this is a formative time in a child's life, and it's a time when they're forming their sense of self. If a child consistently hears the message, whether through words or through actions, that she or he is bad in some way, well, this becomes part of his or her personal narrative. Your toddler may internalize the idea that she's bad, which not only damages self-esteem, but also makes it more likely she'll repeat the same unwanted behavior down the road. Now, when you shift away from punishment, you send a different message. And this is the message I want you to remember: You're a good person who is still learning, and I'm here to help. This helps you build a strong, solid, positive foundation for their sense of self, fostering emotional resilience and encouraging growth. I'm going to share with you a little strategy, an acronym that will help you teach instead of punish in the heat of the moment. So I call this the EASY approach. The E of EASY is for evaluate. And in this situation, we're actually evaluating ourself. I've spoken a lot in the past about taking a power pause, or in other words, creating a space between your child's misbehavior and your reaction to it. And that's where you evaluate whether or not you're calm enough to respond constructively. If you're not, do some deep breathing, use a mantra, feel your feet on the ground, whatever helps you to calm down so you can move forward. The A of this acronym, EASY, is acknowledge. And this is where you just quickly help your child feel seen and understood. You're upset because you want to keep playing. I get it. That's really hard, isn't it? But we're not talking permissive parenting here. So the S of EASY is to stick to your boundaries and you're going to hold firm but kind limits. It's not okay to hit, sweetheart. I'm going to move you over here to keep everyone safe. And finally, the Y of EASY is Yes, and that's where we redirect whatever behavior to something that your child can do. So for example, you can't throw the toys in the house, but you can go outside and throw a ball. That's not where the teaching ends. I want you to always remember that there's in-the-moment ways of handling things, and then the things that need to happen later. And what needs to happen later, when everyone is calm, is to use the moment to teach your child. So you want to teach the tools or the skills you think they need in order to do things differently next time. So offer strategies to handle situations differently. For example, next time you want something, instead of grabbing the toy, Try saying, "Can I have a turn?" So before we go, let's just rehash things. Parenting toddlers is challenging, but punishment, from my perspective, isn't really the answer. Research shows that positive, big-hearted approaches not only work better but also strengthen your child's confidence and your relationship together. By focusing on teaching rather than punishing, you'll raise kind, cooperative, emotionally healthy kids. And you know what else? You'll feel better about how you're parenting. Now, if this approach aligns with your parenting goals, check out my online courses, Toddlers Made Easy and Potty Training Made Easy. Never hurts to have some expert guidance. You'll find the links in the show notes. Now parenting is a journey and it's okay to make mistakes along the way. So please be kind to yourself. You're doing the hard work of raising amazing little people. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.