Pediatrician Dr. Cathryn Tobin explains why toddlers still need the emotional attunement they got as infants, even though they seem more independent. What you do and say now shapes their internal narratives about learning, relationships, and self-worth. Her "big-hearted parenting" approach combines firm limits with kindness to help kids feel safe and resilient.
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Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, research-based, 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Cathryn Tobin, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge, my great big golden doodle. Today we're going to be talking about why the toddler years matter more than you think. As a pediatrician with a special interest in toddler behavior, I've chosen my focus for a very specific reason. Remember those nights you dashed to your newborn's side at every cry? No matter how often you'd been up at night, you'd still keep getting up without complaint. Back then, your baby seemed so fragile and they needed your utmost care and gentleness. But as they grew into toddlers, our view of our kids shifts dramatically. We no longer see them as those delicate little beings who we once fretted over. Instead, our kids appear wilder and tougher and often downright impossible. So much so that we refer to this time as the terrible twos. But here's the thing: just because our little kids are more capable and mobile and willful on the outside, they're really just big babies on the inside. When you forget this—and society encourages you to forget this and instead gets you to think of this stage as the terrible twos— Well, this shift leads inevitably to overlooking a toddler's emotional needs and instead has us focusing solely on their behavior. And this is the exact opposite of how we interact with our kids when they're infants. But your toddler craves and needs the same emotional attention and patience and understanding that they did when they were infants. Toddlers soak up everything—our words, our attitudes, and our actions—and they imprint these first impressions and later become your child's inner voice. So you see, this is a very important time in a child's life. What happens now, these first impressions, they have long-standing impacts. We're creating the building blocks right now The future foundation for all learning and behavior and relationships and self-love and even health. Toddlers are learning about trust and love and what kind of an impact they can have on the world. They're learning how to love themselves and love others. They're also learning to solve problems. The way that we handle all those little day-to-day moments all those toddler challenges, well, they set the tone for future conflicts. In other words, we as parents are also learning in these moments, and our style of managing problems and undesirable behaviors, it gets established now as well, and it follows us as we continue to deal with problems as our kids grow. So we're developing patterns and habits and styles of responding to our kids that persist over time. It's not only an important time for a toddler, but for us as parents too. So as you wade through this messy and tricky phase known as toddlerhood, know that it isn't just an age to get through. It's really a vital time shaping your child's emotional and mental health and also shaping you as a parent. Now, while it's never too late to change our approach to handling tricky toddler moments, I've chosen to focus on these early years to help you get off to the best start possible. We focus on ways to help your toddler grow up so they know they're valued and valuable, loved and lovable. My focus is to help you raise resilient, self-confident, and extremely kind kids. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about permissive parenting. You don't have to worry about being firm because it can come with kindness. One of the biggest mistakes with parenting is being reluctant to set and hold limits. Now, I discovered this balance in my work as a pediatrician. Let me ask you this. Would you bring your kids to a pediatrician who yelled at them when they were combative with their immunizations? No, I'm sure you wouldn't. Or what about a permissive one who said, "Oh sweetheart, don't worry, I won't give you a throat slap because I know you don't want one." No, you'd look for someone who has that combination of firmness but kindness, who helps you to feel safe and you know they're a trustworthy person. Well, as parents, we need to strike that same balance, even if we find it hard to do. Because it helps our kids feel safe and loved. So to answer, why do I focus on the toddler years? Because these are foundational building years, and I want to help you get off to the very best start. Everything I discuss on this podcast is about how to bring out the best in your child and in your relationship with your child, and to help you feel like the best parent in the world. So yes, the toddler years matter for both your toddler and for you more than you think. Now, as we come to the end of today's podcast, I want to reach out to all the parents struggling with the ups and downs of toddlerhood. If you're facing challenges like hitting or biting or throwing things or tantrums or the ever-stressful sleep and mealtime battles, Well, our Toddlers Made Easy online course is here to help. I've crafted this course to offer real, practical solutions all through the lens of warm, empathetic, but still solid parenting. And I call this big-hearted parenting. If you'd like to know more about this online course, check out the links in the show notes. Have a wonderful week and happy parenting.
