Why Toddlers Bite and How To Stop Them

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Today we're going to be talking about what to do when toddlers bite. I've had so many requests for this episode so you're not alone. If this is what you're coping with right now, you've probably been there, you're minding your own business when all of a sudden, bam. Your sweet little toddler sinks her teeth into your skin. It's hard not to feel frustrated or angry when this happens, but once you recover from the shock, it's important to remember that biting is developmentally a normal behavior for a toddler. It's not because they're bad or needy or spoiled or manipulative. A two year old is just not rational. The impulse control area of the brain is still developing and they lack the language skills to express their feelings. Think about this. When I check a child's reflexes in my office, I use a reflex hammer and I tap their knee with the hammer and a toddler's leg will shoot out without them even thinking about it. And this is the same thing that happens when a toddler bites. It's not an act of vengeance and it's not preconceived. Since toddlers don't have the words to express their feelings, it comes out in their behavior and toddlers need to release their feelings just like we do when we have a good cry or vent to a friend. Biting is more likely to occur in faster paced and highly stimulating environments, just like daycare. It's more common among children under three years of age, and it's a way of a younger child expressing their anger, frustration, powerlessness and need for some attention. Toddlers bite because they haven't learned what else to do with their strong emotions. Another reason a toddler may bite is because they're exploring everything with their mouth and biting can just happen inadvertently and this is often what happens when a baby bites during nursing, so dealing with that is a little different than dealing with the to type of biting that comes from strong feelings. Let's look first at some ways of preventing biting. Regardless of why your toddler is biting, prevention is always the best approach. That means prepping your kids for upcoming events, practicing dealing with frustration, and most of all, close supervision, which may mean that you shadow your child or follow them everywhere they go so that you can divert them if it looks like they're getting worked up. Also, teach your child words like I don't like that to use instead of biting. When biting comes from a need to feel powerful or out of frustration or stress, keep playtime short and supervise closely. Role playing with stuffed animals is also a great way to practice other ways of avoiding biting. Let your child play both roles, being the biter and the victim, and this helps raise his awareness of the problems with biting. Now let's consider what to do when your child bites right at the moment. First, comfort the injured child. If the bite broke the skin, wash the area with soap and water. It's very uncommon to spread diseases this way, but it should still be discussed with your doctor. Now, once the child who's been bitten is feeling better, it's time to attend to the biter. Before you say a word to the little biter, take a few deep breaths. Wait till you feel calmer before saying anything. The bite has already happened and there's no emergency to step in. Now I want to remind you your child isn't bad or bossy or mean or defiant or spoiled for biting. A toddler's brain hasn't yet formed the areas that help manage impulse control and emotions. So biting is just a toddler acting his age. But having said that, we need to teach our kids to stop biting and learn more effective ways to express feelings. So connecting before correcting the behavior, it may feel wrong in this situation. Many of us have been raised on shame and punishment, so connecting with a child after they've bitten another person may seem overindulgent and wrong, but connection is your strongest parenting tool. Connecting with your child helps them hear and absorb what you're saying. And honestly, you can be understanding without condoning the behavior. There is no place where I'm trying to tell you that biting is okay because it's natural and a normal developmental milestone. We need to teach kids not to bite. Now here's where you can be kind and firm at the same time. And that word and is very important. So we need to see both Name the feelings that led to the biting incident. So you might say something like, it sounds like you were feeling really frustrated when Jenny wouldn't share the toy with you. Helping your child put their feelings into words will make it easier for them to manage their emotions in the future. But that's not enough. That's the kind part. That's where we've connected with the child. Now it's time to let your child know that it's not okay. I know you're angry Jenny wouldn't share her toy, but it's not okay to bite. I'm here to keep everyone safe. And you pick up your child and you move her away slightly. Then when everyone is calm, because that's when kids learn best, say something like, if you feel frustrated, here's a biting toy you can chew on and I would give them a teether. Or you could also say, if you feel frustrated, you could play on your drums or sing a song or tell the other child, I don't like that. I would highly recommend you don't bite your child back. I know a lot of parents swear by it and say, well, I bit my child back, and then she never bit again. But what often happens in that situation is that the aggressive behavior, it just morphs into a different type of aggression. Biting your child really doesn't teach them effective ways of handling emotions. It doesn't teach your child that he's a good kid having a bad moment. And it doesn't teach your child that he or she can trust you no matter what. Lastly, it doesn't model the behavior you want your child to learn. Shame and harsh punishment. They don't stop aggressive behavior. You'd be surprised how simply saying something like, you're angry your brother grabbed the toy out of your hand can calm the situation down. Now, one last reminder. Change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't. It takes time and repetition and more repetition and even more repetition. In other words, you're going to need to repeat these strategies over and over before you see any signs of improvement. Before we finish off, I want to review a few do's and don'ts that can help or aggravate the situation. So let's start with the do's. Now, I mentioned this earlier, but it's such an important point that I'm going to repeat it. If you're at an event or a party or a play date or the park, leave early. Don't wait for things to deteriorate. When visiting, leave when the kids are happy. Try to stay calm. If your child bites you or another child. Otherwise your child gets a hefty dose of negative attention. And remember, kids love negative attention as much as positive, so this just ends up reinforcing things and it can actually cause biting to increase. Do be kind and firm. And let me remind you again, the word and is probably the most important one in that sentence. Kindness without firmness is permissive and we don't want to go in that direction. And firmness without kindness is punishment or fear based punishment, so we don't want that either. But what we want is kindness and firmness. If your child's old enough, I'd also practice a redo. In other words, ask your child to think about how they could manage things differently next time and then practice it. Don't punish. The goal is to teach your child how to handle his big feelings and punishment. Just sends the message you're bad in some way and research has shown that it can lead to increased aggression. This isn't just some crazy ideas off the top of my head. This is science based. Now don't slap, hit or bite your child back. As I've already mentioned, this just reinforces the behavior you're trying to stop. Your toddler will stop biting. Trust in your toddler's ability to learn and grow, plus trust in yourself. You're the perfect person to help your toddler learn to manage her feelings.

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