Why Toddlers Hit and How to Handle It

Welcome to Toddlers made easy. I'm Dr. Catherine, the host of today's show. For those of you that are new here, I'm a pediatrician with 35 years experience and the mom of four amazing kids. Today we're going to be diving into a topic many parents find challenging. We're talking about toddler and hitting. You're not alone if you've ever felt your heart sink as your little one hits their playmate, or perhaps the daycare has been complaining that your child is hitting his or her buddies. Today we're going to look at hitting through a big hearted lens. We'll introduce practical, actionable steps to help your child stop hitting. But first, let's talk about why toddlers hit. It's easy to see hitting as just unwanted bad behavior, but there's usually more going on beneath the surface. Toddlers hit for so many different reasons and it's related to their developmental stage and their limited communication skills. Here's a little bit of an overview. Toddlers hit because they're unable to express their emotions verbally. They're still developing the ability to manage impulses. They may hit just to get a reaction out of you or to get some attention. They like to test boundaries and they're interested in cause and effect relationships. Overstimulation or strong emotions can also cause them to hit. They can also just be copying behavior they've seen somewhere else, or most importantly, they perceive a threat or a desire to protect a possession. But lack of language skills and the need to express our needs or wants are hugely responsible for hitting. Physical discomfort can also lead to lashing out, and some children hit just in response to sensory overload. In other words, they're feeling overwhelmed. Understanding these reasons for hitting can help parents respond compassionately and with composure, and it's the first step in addressing hitting effectively. So remember, your child isn't giving you a hard time. They're having a hard time now. I know it's tough to keep this perspective when you're in the heat of the moment. And that's why I've developed what I call the Easy method to help parents respond to hitting and other tricky behaviors with calm and confidence. During my pediatric residency training, I became a mother of two babies. It's really unusual to have one child during residency and I had two. So I was really suffering from mummy brain during this time, especially when staff were bombarding me with questions. I desperately needed strategies to stay calm and to remember how to respond. This challenging period really inspired me to develop practical methods for managing stress and maintaining composure. Skills that proved really invaluable both in my medical career and as a parent. Now, this experience led me to explore effective techniques for staying calm when my nervous system was really getting revved up, which I've now adapted to help parents handle challenging behaviors like toddlers hitting. So let's break it down. Easy is an acronym, and it stands for. E is for evaluate, A is for acknowledge, S is for stick to boundaries, and Y is for yes. So let's look a little closer at all of those points. E stands for evaluate, but the person you're evaluating is you. This is about creating a pause to calm your nervous system down. It's incredibly important. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that this behavior is just a toddler acting his age, and quickly assess the situation for safety. The next step is A, and A is for acknowledge. And this is where we get down to your child's level and verbalize what you think they're feeling. Something like, I see you really feeling very frustrated right now. When we feel seen, it's much easier to stay calm. S is for stick to boundaries. And of course, this is the hard part. Many parents find it really hard to set limits and stick to them. But here's where I want you to clearly state the rule about hitting in simple, firm language. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. Never, ever. Now the next point. Y is for yes. That's about shifting to something, Finding the yes, something your child can do. This is really important for helping kids to remain optimistic. Oh, I can't do this, but I can do that. Let's look at it in practice. You can't have the truck your sister is playing with right now, but we can read a book together. Now that's just for how to handle the problem in the moment. But that's not where things end. It's really important to teach your child later when they're calm about better ways of managing whatever situation led them to hitting. Here's where you teach your child to ask for a turn. And then you practice this over and over again. Practice it in fun ways. Use animals role play. Again, we're not punishing our child. We're teaching them. We're teaching them the skills we see they're missing that led to hitting. So let's imagine this playing out in a real life scenario. Okay? You're at the playground and your toddler hits another child who took a toy away from him. Well, here's how you would apply the easy strategy. The easy method. You Take a deep breath. You remind yourself this is normal toddler behavior. And then you say you're feeling angry because your toy was taken. It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit your friend even when you're really upset. Now let's go tell your friend that they can have a turn with the toy when you're finished playing with it. Now you see. This approach addresses the immediate behavior while teaching emotional regulation skills and respecting your child's feelings. It's about connecting before correcting. Now, it's important to note that this method isn't a quick fix. Toddlers need time and consistent guidance to develop better ways of expressing themselves. You might need to repeat this process many times before you see significant changes. And that's okay. Each time you respond this way, you're strengthening the bond with your child. And more importantly, you're teaching a valuable lesson about emotional regulation and respect. Remember big hearted parenting. It doesn't mean being permissive. It means setting firm, loving boundaries while helping our kids develop emotional intelligence. It's about seeing the world through your toddler's eyes and responding with empathy and wisdom. And the empathy and wisdom that's needed to teach more effective behaviors while protecting your child's self esteem and confidence. Now this approach, it can be very challenging, especially in public or when you're stressed. It requires patience and sometimes a willingness to to let go of how others might judge you. But the long term benefits are immense. We're not just stopping hitting, we're nurturing a child's growing self esteem during these really formative years. As your toddler grows and their language skills improve, you'll see a decrease in physical aggression. They'll start to use the coping strategies you've taught them. But remember, this is a gradual process and setbacks are normal. So in addition to using the easy method in the moment, there are things you can do to support your toddler's emotional development. You can talk to them about emotions. You can help your child name and understand their feelings. You can practice communication skills teaching simple phrases like I'm mad or I'm sad or Can I have a turn? Please role play challenging scenarios and practice alternatives to hitting. Read books about emotions and conflict resolution. And here's a really important point. Praise positive behaviors. When you praise a positive behavior and bring attention to it, you're reinforcing moments when they handle frustration well. And kids love to please you and will repeat that behavior. You also want to model healthy emotional expression and problem solving in your own life. Ultimately, addressing toddler Hitting through Big Hearted Parenting is about more than just changing behavior. It's about nurturing your child's emotional intelligence, strengthening your relationship, and laying the foundation for a healthy self image and interactions throughout their life. Remember, you're doing really important work. Every time you respond to hitting with empathy and guidance, you're making a positive impact. It's not always easy, but it's incredibly worthwhile. The toddler years are when we lay down the foundation for how a child feels about himself and the world around him. Now, if you'd like to dig into this a little deeper, you'll find there's a free masterclass called Tame those Tantrums Without Losing youg Cool, and I'll put the link to it in the show notes. Until next time. Remember, Big Hearted Parenting is the glue that strengthens the bond with your child. Have a fabulous week and we'll talk soon. Sa.