Why Won't My Child Go To Sleep Without Me? Part 2

Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy where there's no fluff, just practical research based 15 minutes or less parenting strategies. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr. Catherine, a pediatrician with more than 33 years of experience. I'm the author of two parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and the mother of four amazing adult kids. And let's not forget Smudge My Great Big Golden Doodle. Welcome back. Today we're going to talk about the easy does it strategy to manage sleep problems. If you haven't listened to part one, please go back it was last week's episode and listen to it before starting working on sleep habits. In part one, we discuss the emotional support a child needs to be able to manage at bedtime. We while in today's episode, we're going to discuss a step by step method that will gently and kindly encourage your child to fall asleep without you needing to lie next to them for 3045 minutes. Now this big hearted approach incorporates both the emotional support a child needs with the very practical steps you need to take and they work together to ease your child into more effective sleep routines. So if you haven't checked out the earlier episode, you don't have to listen to it first, but just listen to it before you start applying this method. So today we're focusing on how to help your child fall asleep. And again, there is no crying it out here. Do you know what happens when a child learns to fall asleep on their own? Well, they stop waking up at night. So this is a definite win win situation. So let me ask you, does this sound familiar? It's seven at night. You're trying to finish your office work or your housework or maybe you just want to put your feet up and read a book. But it's your toddler's bedtime. So like every other night, you lie down with your little guy and you wait for him to fall asleep, hoping you can get more work done as it's due in the morning and you accidentally fall asleep too. Bedtime is often a problem for parents and kids. On the one hand, you're craving a moment of peace while your toddler needs the exact opposite. Your toddler is struggling with the idea of being away from you and he or she just wants more time together. So it's a standoff between your need for downtime and their need for together time. Now before I go any further, we need to talk about the guilt feelings that you may go through in wanting your child to manage their sleep more independently. But this really goes back to self care. Now, self care isn't about getting a massage or taking a shower on your own, because self care is about your needs and your needs matter. After working with parents for more than 30 years, I know how willing you are to do absolutely anything for your kids. And often that means putting your own needs on the back burner. But the strategy I'm going to teach you today will help you get your child to get the sleep they need and it'll free up your evenings so you have an opportunity to recharge. Please don't underestimate the importance of this. The Easy does it method is a big hearted approach to solving sleep problems. You'll be able to teach your child to fall asleep independently without significant stress. All of this talking about sleep has reminded me something about my childhood and my sleep routines. My older sister and I shared a bedroom and every night we'd kiss our Beatle posters goodnight. I had Paul McCartney over my bed and she had John Lennon and so we would kiss our posters goodnight and then we'd lie down and we had created this very elaborate place that we called Fantasyland. And we would go there every night and create these incredibly intricate and imaginative stories. So back to Easy does it routine. Bedtime is particularly challenging as we expect our kids to say good night, stay alone in the dark for a long time. And many parents naturally begin lying down with their children at bedtime to ease the separation that discomfort kids feel at this time. Now, in the previous episode we focused on creating a sense of calm and security at bedtime. So again, please go back and listen to this episode. It's the part that focuses on the emotional support. Your child needs to be able to manage this calmly. So both parts are essential. And remember, the two aspects work together. A child must feel safe and secure to adapt to new sleep routines. This isn't crying it out. It involves a system where you provide your child with the necessary emotional and physical presence to allow them to learn a new sleep routine. So let's get going. This routine is based on a behavioral technique called Extinction and it reflects the gentle approach where you slowly wean your child out of ineffective habits that are interfering at the moment with falling asleep. What makes it big hearted is that you're going to stay right in the room with your child, providing the reassurance they need to learn new sleep habits. Now, this can take a good three weeks or maybe even longer. You see, when you use a gentle approach, it's harder on a parent than it is on the child. And that is usually a trade off parents are willing to make, but I just want you to be aware of it. Yes, there are quicker ways, but those quicker ways typically are harder on your kids. Now this method works really well with toddlers and even very sensitive or fearful kids because it's a gradual process and you are present throughout it. So I've divided this into before, during and after. So let's look at what to do before you start the easy does it routine. Pick a time to begin when you have a light month. Be proactive and explain to your child what's going to happen. Include the details of what they can expect, what they might feel and how they can manage the feelings. You'll know what to talk to them about once you've listened to the before, during and after kids. Actually, everybody likes to feel understood. So let your child know that you understand. It may feel challenging to learn a new way of falling asleep, but you also know they're strong and they can do it. Tell your child that you'll figure it out together. See how this puts you on the same team and just imagine how comforting and empowering this would feel. For the bedtime routine, which is all the steps you do before putting your child into bed and saying goodnight, it's best to keep the steps short. Three to four steps is ideal. If you have a long, drawn out routine, it can be a bit overwhelming. So what time should you start the bedtime routine? Well, generally for kids up to about 10 years of age, the best bedtime falls somewhere between 7:30 and at the very latest 8:30. To determine the perfect time for your child, observe them and see when they fall asleep. Watch for a few nights and then start your bedtime routine about 45 minutes before this. Now you can always back it up, but this is how I would begin. So get a good and consistent bedtime routine going before you try and make any changes. Let's look at the bedroom for a minute. I'd consider getting blackout curtains as research has shown that kids sleep better in a dark room. But you can also use a night light to provide relief. In terms of toys in the room, I would look at quiet toys, so puzzles and books because sometimes those electronic toys will just go off on their own and that can disturb your child. Now let's get down to the nitty gritty. What exactly are you going to do to help your child fall asleep independently? Well, the goal here is to gradually reduce your participation in helping your child fall asleep. And you do this by doing a usual bedtime routine and then on the first night, you're going to put your chair right next to your child's bed or crib. The first few nights, you can just rub your child's back if she's used to some physical contact. But avoid talking and interacting with your child. In fact, this is a really important point. I'd like you to pick a one liner. And that's the only words you'll speak to your child until she dozes off. It doesn't matter if she asks, I need a cookie, I need a hug. You always just respond with your one liner. So I would say something like, I love you, sweetheart, but it's bedtime, do you see? If you say that each time, it becomes boring and repetitive. Now, while you're sitting in the chair in your child's room, take advantage of this time. Read a book to yourself. Use this time to scroll on Instagram, whatever you like to do that's quiet. Each night you'll move your chair a bit away from the crib or the bed and you're moving it towards the doorway. Now, some people prefer to make these shifts every two to three nights. I just wouldn't stretch it any longer than that. Avoid talking no matter what your child asks you. Just use your one liner. And now remember, you need to explain to your child before you begin that you won't be speaking with them as you usually would. Tell them about the one liner and explain that's how you'll answer no matter what they ask. Otherwise, your child is really going to be wondering what is going on here. And you literally stay in the room until your child falls asleep. So again, you're going to start off right next to their bed. And every night or every few nights, you're going to shuffle your chair backwards towards the doorway until you're right out of the doorway and out of your child's line of vision. Now, let's talk about where you might struggle. It's hard to sit in your child's room without interacting with your kids. That can be tricky. Things will often get harder before they get better. This is actually called an extinction burst. And you can expect that to likely happen. Not every child, but it's very common to happen when you're not responding to your child in the way they're used to. Also, when your chair moves so your child can no longer see you, it's also possible to have another extinction burst. At that time, you've got a decision to make. At that time, you can either shuffle over so they can see you and stay there for another night or two. Or you can just continue where you are at now. It's hard to keep your conversations boring and repetitive and that's part of how this is harder on you than it is for your kids. But you need to stick to that one liner so your child gets the message. I love you, but it's bedtime. Once your child falls asleep, the goal is for them to be able to manage the light sleep states without you. Just to remind you, sleep cycles through light and deep sleep states all night. And if your child is dependent on you to fall asleep, well, they're likely going to cry out for you in the middle of the night when they hit that light sleep state. So if this happens, you have a choice. If you want this over really quickly, you can continue the bedtime routine as you're currently doing it. So wherever your chair is on that night, that's where you go and sit and do the same thing till your child falls asleep. But on a practical note, you're going to be really exhausted. So there is another possibility. Now the second possibility, it can make the whole sleep training process a little longer, but it's much easier to tolerate. And that is I would do whatever you typically do to get your child back to sleep quickly when it's the middle of the night. So you have those two choices. Either you do the quicker route where you do the exact same thing you're doing at bedtime using the easy does it routine, or the second choice is you just go in, get your child back to sleep in whatever way you typically help them fall back to sleep. So that is the easy does it routine. It's a combination of providing the emotional support like we discussed in the first episode, while using this behavioral technique to wean out of sleep habits. This works beautifully. It does take some time. You are there with your child from beginning to end, so you wait in the room till they fall asleep each night. But you should find within the month you'll be able to put your child to bed, say goodnight and step out of the room. I would love to hear your feedback or if you're experiencing any problems, please send me an email and and you'll find the email address in the show Notes. Now, as we wrap up today's episode, I want to remind you of two resources that can make your parenting journey more comfortable and end the cycle of yelling and nagging and pleading to get your kids to listen. So if you're looking for compassionate, effective solutions to the challenges of toddlerhood, check out our toddler's Made Easy course. We also have a Potty Training Made Easy course that offers a big hearted approach to what can often be a really tricky time. Both courses embody our philosophy of tackling parenting hurdles with empathy and understanding, but in ways that won't turn you into a pushover. Now, to learn more or enroll in these courses, simply visit the links in the show notes. Thank you for listening today and don't forget to subscribe for more insights into big hearted parenting. You're not alone and we can do this parenting journey together. I'll see you next week.